See you Friday!

A smart, funny, brave, and devoted pop culture acolyte, writer/comedienne/member of US Weekly Fashion Police (!!!) Wendy Shanker first won us over with her wise and witty 2004 book The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, which explores the complex reality of being a healthy, plus-sized woman in a world that doesn’t always encourage self-acceptance.

Out today: Shanker’s new memoir Are You My Guru?: How Medicine, Meditation & Madonna Saved My Life, chronicles an intense eight-year period during which the author was diagnosed with a rare and debilitating autoimmune disease, Wegener’s granulomatosis. While holding down a demanding job, Shanker seeks relief and guidance from medical experts and healers representing a variety of traditions, from the hardcore pharmacological to the ancient Ayurvedic.

As Shanker begins to trust her own instincts about which therapies will work for her, she learns how to cope with the stresses of the disease and a hectic New York lifestyle — and discovers a thing or two about what it really means to heal. The narrative is laced with references to her ultimate guru, Madonna, as Shanker covers the topic of serious illness with the same forthrightness, attention to detail, and laugh-out-loud humor that made her first book such a refreshing read.

The delightful Shanker spoke with BreakupGirl.net about her memoir:

Who do you hope to reach with this book?

Um, Madonna. (laughs) I assume she’ll never even know it exists, but if it does cross her path, I hope she’ll get a kick out of it.

I wanted to write a book that would reach women who have an autoimmune disease — that’s about 30 million people — or are caring for someone who has an autoimmune disease. I want to give them something that they can relate to, or a window on their experience, even though chances are it’s a very different experience from mine, because no two people seem to have the same thing.

I also hope that the people who read and enjoyed my first book The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life will feel a connection with this book because, in a way, they’re both about body image. I mean, the first book was about body image in terms of weight, but this one is also about trying to create a connection with your body and not listen too much to all the voices telling you you’ve got a bad body and a wrong body and you’ve gotta fix the body. It’s about empowering yourself in the choices you make around your body just in terms of health, rather than weight loss.

That really comes through–it seems to me that the major epiphany of the book is the idea that we each have a responsibility for our own health–we can’t just blindly follow anybody–a doctor, a guru, a friend–but have to listen to our inner guidance.

Yeah!

How have you followed through with that, would you say? Are you still doing the different kinds of treatments?

Yeah, I’m still doing a little bit of everything. In the time of my life that the book covers, I end on a high note. In real life, just after the narrative of the book ends, I actually got very, very ill, much sicker than I was in the book, believe it or not. Then when I started writing, I started getting better again. So the last couple years have been a period of really significantly improved health and ability, and finally getting a sense of like–wow, maybe there’ll be these nice long windows of my life where I have a lot of options and I can do what I want to do and feel really good, and so my mission is when I’m not in a crisis, to keep going.

I want to keep exploring what else is out there, what else is working that I want to learn more about.

I’m still going to the Mayo Clinic twice a year and I still see more doctors than there are days of the week, and I just started seeing a new acupuncturist who I really like. I feel like it’s my job to take care of myself and so I try to do a really good job of it every day.

Is Dr. Turner [a major character in the book] still part of your team?

He is and I’m gonna give him this book in a couple weeks and I’m so scared! (laughs) He’s a very humble person and an excellent doctor. He knew I was a writer, and when I told him I was gonna do this book, he was like, “I don’t want anyone to know it’s me.” Not because he thought I would write anything outrageous, but he’s not one of those wannabe celebrity doctors who wants to do reality shows and to be on talk shows and all that stuff. I told him I’d try to disguise some of the signifiers of his personality and his practice, but it’s him. I hope that he’ll like it and not think I’m crazy!

Oh, no, I think you portray him very respectfully.

Oh, good. And then of course I was laughing about the Breakup Girl angle because, there’s this idea that finding all these doctors and building relationships with them is like dating. And there’s this moment when Dr. Turner totally broke up with me (laughs). That’s the part where I think he’s gonna be like, “You’re probably taking this a little too seriously.” But it absolutely felt like a breakup, like being rejected and then, you know, coming back to each other again and starting from a new place. He’s the hero in the book in a lot of ways, and certainly he’s a hero in my real life.

He’s definitely the male lead.

Yeah, he’s the male lead. If this were a Hollywood movie, I’d have to hook up with him in the end.

Who would you cast as Dr. Turner? George Clooney, maybe?

George Clooney would be good – I’m thinkin’ maybe John Hamm ‘cuz my guy is tall and lanky, too.

“Dr. Lanky.”

Dr. Lanky, the lanky man!

One of the beautiful points that you make in your book is “God speaks to you in a language that you understand,” and you have these wonderful illustrations of that. In the years since you’ve written the book, has your concept of God and faith changed? Is it still eclectic and ecumenical?

Yes. You know what I think has happened, even since I wrote the book? I have had some real, special, spiritual, I-understand-the-world-and-the-universe kind of moments, where that window opened up and I got a sense of what’s in there. I’m still operating from the place of the mantra–one of many, but the mantra continues to be–“faith, not fear.”

And whenever I’m in a place where I can feel all the reasons why this isn’t gonna work, and everything that’s gonna go wrong and what can’t we do, I really try to circle back around and say, “Ok, you’re choosing fear, but we’re going with faith, not fear. “

So I think my spiritual study…I wanted it to be a little bit more guided. I wanted to not just be like “well, this is what I think,” but to actually be in more classes, and to talk to more teachers, and to go on more retreats and read more books. I had a gut understanding of my spiritual path, but I wanted some formal spiritual training. So that’s where I am. And it’s still Jewish plus goddess plus Buddhist plus new age; it’s still a grab bag of things, but I do feel like I want more ritual and more…

More structure, maybe?

More structure, yeah!

It sounds like your approach to spirituality is similar to your approach to physical healing–you advocate being responsible for it, and looking for what works for the individual person.

Yes! And, of course, now that the book is coming out and I’ve been telling people about it, you know, everybody’s like, “You’ve gotta come to my church, we do this thing where we, blah blah blah…” Or, “You’ve gotta talk to my guru, he’s from Korea and he’s so interesting…”

It’s like the world of it just opens up and-–it’s cute–it’s almost like there’s a secret handshake of people who are going to meditation classes, or have a little altar in their house, or go to shul on Friday night, you know, it’s like, “I do that!”

You mention in your book this internal voice of the “mean girl.” I’m sure the mean girl never completely goes away, so how do you deal with that voice when it comes back?

The mean girl voice doesn’t go away. The good thing, though, about the mean girl is that she still retains that kind of 16- to 17-year-old-life-experience tone in her voice. Every day, it’s just easier to shut it down.

And there are two levels of mean girl-ness. That mean voice was always in my head about my weight, and then when it cropped up in terms of my health–“you’re not doing enough, and you’re not trying hard enough, and maybe you just wanna be sick.” And I feel like, “Seriously?”

There’s times when it’s almost a little helpful: “Are you sure? Should you really be staying out ‘til two o’clock tonight when you know you’re gonna pay for it tomorrow?” But that’s a slightly different voice from the mean girl, that’s maybe a voice of reason who’s a little bit louder than mean girl is.

Do you think this book would make a good screenplay?

Hell yes! (laughs) I want it to! I want it to.

I just went to see Eat, Pray, Love–you know, there’s some reference points which feel similar to me–and when I thought about my own story, and whether it could be a movie, I was like: yes, but it can’t have Julia Roberts. (laughs) It has to be some unknown person, because I think that when you’re talking about stories that are about searching for identity, or a sense of self, it’s really hard when you have a super-famous person there. “Oh, Kate Winslet, really? Don’t worry, girl! It’s gonna work out!” So I would love to find some curvy, sexy, smart ‘lil lady who could pretend to be me.

And a cameo by Madonna, of course.

If Madonna’s in it, she has to come down in a bubble, like Glinda the Good Witch. Or, it could go through the Hollywood system and then it would be like Queen Latifah, moves to Jamaica and falls in love with LL Cool J.

I like it. I’d go to that movie.

I think it was a movie!

This week Lynn hears from Need Lots of Help, who probably only needs a little help. She writes:

I try not to bother him and respect his privacy just as I would anyone. However, he closes his open windows, especially his email, if I go near him when he is online. What does this mean?

Good question. Check out Lynn’s answer, along with the full letter at Happen, then come back here to add your own thoughts!

The engagement is off on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my fiance, whom I had been with for seven years, via letter last November. (Via letter because doing it face-to-face or by phone would have resulted in one of our world-famous knockdown dragout screaming battles… anyway, that’s not the issue.) After the breakup we sent letters back & forth for several months, each of which was progressively more hostile. He was mad at me and I had this sort of righteous indignation thing going on.

Well, a couple of weeks ago he calls on the phone, pissed as all hell. We talked for an hour, you know, we screamed, we cried, we came to some sort of an understanding. He asked if he could see me in person just to officially end things face to face. So I drove down the next day (for one and a half years I’ve lived an hour away to attend grad school), and we did lunch together. Again, very sad — I gave him back the ring, we cried some more, and we both realized that once we could hear each others’ voices we couldn’t stay mad/indignant anymore.

So the end result is we seem to be having the most amicable breakup ever. He said he really wants to be friends. I had my doubts but said OK. So now he calls maybe twice a week and we talk for an hour or so. I have made it perfectly clear to him that I’m not just sitting here waiting for him to clean up his act so that we can get back together, and he has acknowledged that. But it is nevertheless clear to me that he is trying to prove himself to me by doing all the things he should have done a long time ago and telling me about it and about his long-term plans.

I am sad that he is getting his life together for me, his ex, rather than for himself. I am very unhappy because in breaking up with him I have hurt someone I still care about (though no longer am in love with). This was so much easier when I was righteously indignant with him! And worst of all, I don’t see how the friend thing can ever work. After seven years in a very touchy-feely relationship, it’s hard for both of us not to automatically hold hands or cuddle or whatever when we’re in the same room, and of course that stuff is no longer appropriate. And every time we talk on the phone, when we’re hanging up he says “Love you.” I feel like a jerk not saying it back, and at the end of last night’s conversation, I did say it back.

Do you have any advice for being friends with an ex after a relationship which did not end because one or the other was an a**h***? Or should I just tell him that it’s not working for me and is making me uncomfortable?

– Susan

Dear Susan,

Okay, you’re sort of like the guy on the other end in the letter from Lilygirl — and you kind of also need to apply to yourself a version of my advice to Chris: cuddling, saying “Love you,” and listening while (only) one of you works stuff out is not under “friendship” in the Breakup Girl Dictionary. You’re doing this because you love(d) this guy and want to be nice … but frankly, I’m not clear what either of you is getting out of this. You’re trying to prove what a great ex you are, he’s trying to prove what a great boyfriend he’d be — and you’re both getting a cuddling fix for the week. For the time being, Susan, this is an excellent opportunity to be “friendly,” not “friends” (see above).

Love,
Breakup Girl

What’s extra-cool here, as Barbara Spindel reports in the Daily Beast, is how — how mellowly — the gayness is presented and framed. “After Kevin and Jughead enjoy some homosocial bonding at a hamburger-eating contest, Jughead warns the new kid that Veronica isn’t likely to stop pursuing him until he returns her flirtations. ‘It’s nothing against her. I’m gay,’ Kevin explains nonchalantly, showing how much more casual coming out has become since the X-Men superhero Northstar made headlines in 1992 with this clunky announcement: ‘For while I am not inclined to discuss my sexuality with people for whom it is none of their business — I am gay!’”

Also, Spindel notes, the fact that he’s gay does not become the plot. Instead, it gets absorbed right in as the basis of some true-to-Archie-world hijinks: “Far from being labored, Kevin’s coming out feels entirely relevant to a comic book about how teens relate. What’s more, Parent uses Kevin’s sexuality as an ingenious plot device that fits seamlessly within the well-worn Archie narrative. ‘Kevin is going to tell her that he’s gay, but Jughead tells him not to because he enjoys seeing Veronica making a fool of herself,’ [veteran Archie artist Dan Parent] explains. ‘Everyone knows he’s gay except Veronica. Betty doesn’t push it because she realizes if Veronica is chasing Kevin then she’s got the time for Archie.’”

Setting aside my only concern — Veronica’s gaydar clearly needs to go into the shop — what I also like here is the reminder of connection made between gayness and wholesomeness (if, indeed, wholesomeness is to be considered a worthy goal). Gay here (and in real life) does not (necessarily) equal subversive, alterna-,  Adam Lambert, or “worse.” Why, the gays fit right in, see? That’s what always puzzled me, in a certain way, about the whole gay marriage thing. It’s like, “People. We scared you when we were flamboyant and counter culture. Now we’re trying to settle down, just like you, and you’re really freaked out?!”

Speaking of marriage — and perhaps the best news of all — Archie Comic Publications editor in chief Victor Gorelick noted to the Daily Beast that protest was much more vociferous when the news broke that Archie would marry Veronica. Perhaps we can look forward to seeing Riverdale celebrate the wedding of Kevin and, I don’t know, Steve?

Negotiating the peace on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I happened upon your site the morning after my girlfriend dumped me. Your advice columns (and seeing that “I’m not the only one”) have really helped me through this. I hadn’t been in any kind of romantic relationship for four or five years before this one, and I was pretty broken up about the whole thing. But now I can almost sit back a little and think about it. One of the things my ex said in her “can I talk to you” talk was that (of course) “its not you, its me”, and “we can still be friends.” Not having had this work for me at all in the past (the friend-afterwards part) I don’t know how to try and make it work. I’d really like to be friends (and not just friendly, as a coworker mentioned most of his “let’s be friends” relationships went), but I just don’t know how to make that work.

I think my ex has done a lot to help the process, by listening to me a couple of times I’ve wanted to talk/vent, and by being very understanding of my need to talk with her at times. The result is that I don’t despise or hate her, like I have with other exes, and from what I can gather and what I feel, this is a good start to some sort of “friend”-based relationship.

So is there any thing I can do to help facilitate this friend (re)building process? I know that I’m not completely “over her” yet, and I don’t want to seem like I’m too attached. I think she may have already moved on to someone new, and I don’t want
to get in the way. So how do I go about making sure she knows that I am (will be) available for a friend, but not give her the wrong idea, or affect her current relationship (if any)?

– Chris

Dear Chris,

You make an apt distinction between “friends” and “friendly.” Post-breakup, what we call a “friendship” is sometimes more like a “peace treaty.” Have you carved out whose territory is whose (as in who gets the restaurant)? Yes. Are you civil to each other at parties? Yes. Do you make use of spies? Well, not that much, anymore. But are you really friends? Maybe not.

But when you want more than that, there’s more to the matter than a handshake in the Rose Garden. First of all — while you’re right, this is a positive sign — having Great Talks about your relationship does not count as your new friendship. These friendships have to be built on something other than “Wow, remember that incredible sunset in Capri…buddy?” You already have a past, and you can’t change that, but there has to be some new fuel, some new context, for your new-and-different relationship. So say to her “I don’t want to seem too attached, and I don’t want to get in the way of your getting involved with anyone else. But I want to let you know that I’m available to be a real friend, whatever that may turn out to look like for us.” If she’s down with that, then see if she wants to — well, if you guys always went to foreign films, go see some kickass American blockbuster. If you always played mini-golf, go see Monster Trucks.

But if it starts to feel (see above) like you’re forcing a fit to just to prove something — or just to get a damn-she’s-cool fix — then back off. You will miss her, but you will also have an ex whom you don’t despise or hate. And you know what? That’s actually plenty.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Eternal questions from April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Staying friends: mature or masochistic? My ex wants very much for us to be friends, and I’m a little torn over it. I can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him. It would be like cutting off a limb. But I’m finding myself still hanging on his calls and e-mails. If I don’t hear from him for a week I get upset. Some of my friends think I should just take a breather from him, but I really want to stay in touch, and I have lots of friends who have nice Jerry/Elaine things with their exes. The other thing is that he left me to go back to his previous girlfriend, who he’s still with. So right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of us getting back together, much as I might dream. I also know that it always takes me a while to get over people whether I see them or not. Do you think I’m torturing myself unnecessarily?

– Lilygirl

Dear Lilygirl,

Yep. What you are pursuing right now is not friendship, it’s I Can’t Believe He’s Not My Boyfriend. Of course you can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him right now; I mean, he was your boyfriend — I imagine you’d gotten kinda used to seeing and speaking to him. But listen, we have to be really careful about what “friends” means after a breakup … and about the best way to get there. Advice for everyone:

1. Be circumspect. Sometimes “I’d really like for us to stay friends” means “Let’s break up, but I don’t hate you.” All full-on, active friendship may not be what’s intended. And if one party doesn’t really mean it, you can’t force the fit.

2. Do not equate being friends with being “mature.” (Um, hanging on his calls and getting upset when they don’t come is not all that mature.) Important Breakup Girl maxim: Your ability to be friends with an ex is not a measure of your maturity, or of the value of the romantic relationship that went before. It is a measure of a particular vibe — a two-way vibe — with a particular person under particular circumstances. Nothing more, nothing less.

3. Sometimes the mature thing is to say to yourself, “I don’t need ‘mature’ ‘So, what’s new with you?’ coffee summits to prove to myself how mature we both are about this whole thing.”

I am not saying that you two will not have a cool Jerry-Elaine thing down the road. In fact, the reason these things really can work — lest you all accuse BG of being a big fat naysayer — is that friendships often find room to flourish when the “I’m not fully comfortably in this relationship … should we break up?” question is finally resolved for the doubting, stressing partner.

But the way for you to get there, if any, is to take that breather. It will still, as you say, take you a while to get over him. Um, duh. That’s ’cause he was your boyfriend and he’s going out with someone else now. But going cold turkey is not a magic cure-all … but it will streamline the process. Right now, for you, keeping the lines of communication open means keeping the wounds open. Also, note that bugging him about not calling (if you are) will not make him really psyched to call.

How about saying something like this: “I appreciate that you want to stay friends, and so do I. But I can’t be a real friend until I’ve gotten some distance from the whole thing. I’d ask you, as my friend, to understand that as part of that commitment, I might not be in touch for a while, and it would help if you didn’t call me either, UNLESS OF COURSE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT DINGBAT AND COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME, IN WHICH CASE I MIGHT TAKE YOU BACK IF I’M NOT TOO BUSY.” Okay, say that to a friend to get it out of your system, then say the first part (up to “UNLESS”) to your ex.

Love,
Breakup Girl

What was that alligator doing running loose last weekend in Queens? Perhaps officials should question my mother.

When my father was courting her, which was back when people still said “courting,” he spent a summer teaching in Florida. That was also back when one could actually mail baby Florida alligators up North as scaly souvenirs. And so, in lieu of flowers, Dad sent one to my mom.

A teddy bear, sure. Live lobsters, yum. But an alligator? What was he thinking? What genius expert gave that dating tip? (”Fellas: Win her heart with random cruelty!”) Surely Dad knew that his intended was, like him (despite appearances), an animal lover — but with a much less sturdy constitution and a much more bleeding heart. How could he possibly have reasoned that this reptilian keepsake would give her the fuzzies? (Continued…)