Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been reading your column and I’m under the impression that you’re a genius. So I now leave it to you to help make some sense of what happened, and how to understand why she resolved things they way she did. This girl Nicki and I did finally get together and went steady (after a years long courtship) during my second semester MBA year. When school was over I took her over to England for a week and took her out to see ‘Beauty and the Best’ and ‘The Phantom of the Opera.’ We had our own apartment to stay in for that whole week…and during that week she got to see all the sites, traveled to all the pubs, and toured everything with me…It was an investment that seemed well worth the money and effort I put into planning it. We had fun, she professed her undying love for me, she called it our little honeymoon before I went off to start work. So what happens? No sooner than when everything is going perfectly and smooth do things turn bitter.

I came back to College to pack up and she tagged along with me…that was nice, all five days we tried to prolong the daparture for as long as possible, but it had to be done…I had to work and start my next phase of life, which was 1000 miles away. As I left we promised each other to make this Long Distance thing work out…Well, not even a month had passed when she decided that she is too young to hold out for this and broke up with me…and hey get this. She still wants us to be friends like we used to be. I agreed like the spineless man that I am, I didn’t want to lose everything with her, you know.

But, just to prove the point that it is useless to figure out a woman…I though we were fine and could deal with this until she decided that deep in her, she knows that we’ll get back together again (Her words). And so she breaks up with me because (I think) she still wants the freedom of being able to play the field. So this works all too well for her, if she only meets up with Jerks, then I’m it!!! If she meets up with someone nice that she likes and takes care of her well, then I was a safety net that didn’t need to be there all this time. How wonderful and inhumane is this logic. Get this — she said she’s just doing this for me and that she doesn’t want to be the one to hold me back. Ohh well, women always use this kind of excuse to make themselves feel better for their actions. I also later found out that when she went back up to school a couple of weeks early, her ex boyfriend came up to see her and stayed for two weekends with her. They were by themselves in this apartment.

Anyways, I must be boring you with this story so I’m just going to get right to it and pop the question. I know this question I’m about to ask really has no answer…and countless scholars before you and I have pondered into this and drove themselves mad, but I’ll ask anyways (Why? Because you’re a genius and I don’t think you’ll drive youself insane, although Genious is one step away from insane. But you’re a superhero, so this makes me feel better…) Anyways, Why do women always want to be friends after they tear you apart?

Well, enough of me venting…I’m over it, I’m just not completely understanding it. Thanks a bunch!

– Joe

Dear Joe,

Some more clarification about what constitutes a girl thing (see above). Being hard to figure out, wanting to be “friends,” and not wanting to “hold you back” are not woman things, they are relationship things. You are a straight guy, so your relationships are with women. Hence your conflation of the two. Trust me, your letter coulda been written by either gender, about either gender. And here’s your answer: People talk about staying “friends” because (a) they don’t LIKElike you, but they still like you, or (b) they’re trying to be nice. That’s pretty much it. So please don’t start using that fall-back “Women are Impossible!” refrain as a “reason” not to date (or elect) us, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl

This week Lynn counsels a gal who is Sad and Confused because her boyfriend of two years wants some time apart…

He said he needed time to get his head straight. But we were still seeing each other about once a week  and talking a few times a week.

Sounds reasonable, but it’s been five months now. Should she keep waiting or put her foot down? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice over at Happen, then come back here and comment below.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of four years. Things were always pretty damned good and I was happy with us, and she told me she was always happy with us. I mean I knew this girl inside and out, I always knew what she was thinking. I thought, “Hey cool. She’s the one for me. I found her. I’m a lucky one.” A couple of weeks ago we spent some time apart. She went off to the beach with three of her friends. Before she left we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. When she got back, I was oh so excited to see her, but instead I got, “Ummm… we gotta talk.”

Yada yada yada. She broke up with me, and she took it pretty damn well. Didn’t even shed a tear. I was crushed. I vomited for days. Couldn’t eat a thing. Couldn’t sleep. My girl that went down to the beach was a complete 180 from the girl that came back. I still haven’t gotten any closure to the whole thing. Her reasons for the break-up were pretty vague. And this isn’t one of your “let’s separate and in the future who knows.” kind of break-ups. It was a “We will never be together ever again but we can still be good friends” kind of break-up.

I’ve been going through all the stages. The desperate “why oh why” stage. Then the denial stage. Then the anger stage, and so on and so forth. Now I’m just plainly at the “Huh?” stage. I have at least three friends who have had a similar experience and they have friends with the same experiences. To this day they are all still dumbfounded.

My questions are:

1) What is this “phenomonon” where the girl wakes up one day and her mind is completely changed without any warning? You’re a girl. Explain this to me.

2) Just as an aside, FOUR YEARS! I know, I know, “Better four than ten.” But what if I get into another relationship like this and I waste another four-plus years of my life?

– Totally Bewildered

Dear Bewildered.

Ouchouchouchouchouch I am so sorry. Yes, indeedy, you must have felt dumbfounded, blindsided, deafened by her silence.

Now. To take your questions backwards: Yes. Four years is a wicked long time (and your math is correct; ten is even longer). But. Even though they ended painfully, I dare say that you don’t really feel like these years were “wasted.” Especially because, as you describe them, you didn’t spend the last, um, three and a half feeling like you were about to break up. You had four full, non-pre-breakup years. The real waste would be if you now decided to stay single only so as not to let that happen again.

Also. There are many “girl things” in this world: mourning Diana, “Dirty Dancing,” ice hockey. “Waking up and changing her mind,” however, is not one of them. Not only because changing one’s mind suddenly is a gender-neutral phenom, but also because it’s not what happened here. I can practically guarantee you that’s she’s been mulling this one over for a while. Yes, she was happy — mostly. But there was something bothering her, I don’t know what, and evidently she felt that it wasn’t necessary or useful to rock the boat by sharing. Whatever was bugging her was probably more of a one-way “feeling” than a two-way problem, and hence, something — she figured — that she needed to consider on her own, not discuss with you. (I am not endorsing this [lack of] approach; I’m just taking an educated stab.)

Then, I’m thinking– and this is a girl thing — she ran the deal by the beach babe board, and the resolution was “bail.” That’s what happened here, probably, and that’s what happens on “women’s weekends” in general. You hang with your Ya-Yas, they sort out your life. Now don’t you go blaming her galpals for turning her against you or anything. Their job, as good friends, is to listen carefully to what she really wants, and then tell her what she just said. Had they heard it in her voice, they could just as easily have coached her to stay.

I’m also assuming that, being good friends, they did not tape-record their conversations. So — galling as it is — you may get a satisfactory answer to “Huh?” You may need to search out another, less her-dependent source of closure. Like going to the beach with the guys.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

– Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this girl for about a month now. She is a really pretty, nice, smart, and sweet girl. But there is a problem. I think that I might have started dating her for the wrong reasons. There is this guy that keeps bugging her and tells her that he loves her and all this junk, and she doesn’t like it. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I started dating her to protect her from this guy.

But, that’s not all. I’m the type of guy that my friends rely on to help them with their troubles. Especially being the middle man when my friends break up. You know, being the nice guy, trying to cheer them up. But this time something happened between me and the girl whom I was trying to cheer up. This is another big problem because the girl just broke up with one of my good friends.

I need some serious help.

– Flip

Dear Flip,

Whoops!
Here’s how to be a gal’s main — not Middle — man. Trust her to like you because you’re being who you are, not because you’re Helping. When the next one comes along (or, at least, when you reevaluate your current flame), assume she wants a boy, not a bodyguard (unless she’s Whitney Houston).

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 16 years old and recently my boyfriend moved quite far away. We were very much in love. When it came to the idea of breaking up, my boyfriend told me we weren’t really breaking up, we are “breaking apart.” Whatever that means. I’m really not sure. It will be a very long time before he comes back to visit and I don’t know if I should date ever. I still love him a lot and I know that he is the only guy I want to be with, but is it foolish to wait at such a young age. I know I should probably be discussing this with him but I’m not sure he understands either. Every thing is so confusing. I’d really like to know if I’m wasting my time and if I should even still call him my boyfriend. I hope “breaking apart” isn’t just a nicer term for breakup but I don’t understand the so-called difference. Do you think you could clear this up for me? I would really like to know where I stand.

– Isabella

Dear Isabella,

Never mind the difference between up and apart– I think the real keyword is away. As in “quite far.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t try and stay “together,” but it will be hard — especially if you don’t talk to each other honestly about what your intentions and expectations are. This situation is totally confusing! Your brain knows it’s foolish to wait, but your heart’s like, “….Waaaaaaaiiit!” So yeah, give yourselves a real talk — how does each of you feel about “seeing other people?” etc. — and give yourselves some time to get used to being apart, whatever your status. Even if the new key word turns out to be over, you’ll be down, but — I promise — you’ll get through. (How can I be so sure? Remember: he’s away, not in all of your classes. Waaaay easier to move on.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

Let’s-call-him-Jack and I have been broken up for nearly six months after dating for nearly 3 years. We tried the friend thing for a while and it worked out quite nicely except I foolishly took every nicety as a sign that he wanted me back. But now I know that just isn’t going to happen and I’m fine with it, although I still think about him every day, multiple times a day. However, I sort of have the hots for someone else AND am enjoying being single. My question is, Jack and I started sleeping together again in late June (we broke up in March) and have done it 5 times since then. We are always drunk when this happens but the sex is INCREDIBLE. The first few times he would not kiss me and we would not cuddle afterwards, just roll over and go to sleep. However, I mentioned the no-kissing policy made me feel like a prostitute so the last two times he has kissed me and held me BEFORE and AFTER we did it. The problem is, I know it is stupid to have sex with an ex, but what if it is REALLY good and you aren’t nursing false hopes of reconciliation? Also, what’s up with the kissing thing? Please help!!!

– Confused yet Satisfied

Dear Confused yet Satisfied,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: of course the sex rocks your world. There’s no aphrodisiac like a breakup. As in, “You look great without … commitment.”

I’ll also take your word for it that you’re not nursing false hopes. And I will allow that sex with an ex can offer fond, old-home-week satisfaction (or we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this passion) — all without the hassle of, you know, meeting someone. Or getting to know them. Fine.

But there are two ick factors here. One is, yes, the kissing. I know he did it the last couple times. But I cringe to hear someone all excited to report that someone s/he had sex with them kissed them too! Now, I don’t want to impose emotions on you, but — you sorta said it yourself — doesn’t the kissing-coaching kinda make it feel like this wild thing is exactly that … a thing? Something separate from you. Something not about you, not about furtive reunions and spicy nostalgia. It just sounds … covenient. Bleah.

That said, my main concern is not about this recycled relationship per se. I’m just worried that it’s gonna hold you back from the next one — or, for that matter, from your next period of healthy, restorative singlehood. It’s the Sorta factor: you’re sorta seeing someone who makes you feel sorta good. And that — well, let’s just say this — for your strength, standards, or self-esteem…don’t do Jack.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 18-year-old college student who is really shy. There’s this girl in one of my classes who I’m attracted to. I think she’s attracted to me, also. We played the little game where you look at someone and when you get caught by that person, you look away. I haven’t had a g/f in a long time. I also haven’t been really lucky for some reason with girls. We say hi to each other when we meet. But we never really talk. So I would like to know how should I go about to start talking to her? I don’t want to open myself to her so much. And I don’t want to get my hopes high either. I would really like to get to know her, but really don’t know where to start. If you have any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanx for your time.

– Edward

Dear Edward,

Talking to someone is not the same as opening up to someone. Some people talk to each other for years without ever opening up. You start talking, you open up, little by little, as you’re ready. So take a hint from Chris (below) and pipe up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this girl that rides my bus, but I’m kinda shy and can’t get the nerve to approach her… (pretty common problem, I guess). Anyways, It’s really hard becuz she is the shy type too and quiet… So I keep trying to think of some way to start a conversation with her without

1. coming off as a jerk (i.e. what I say sounds like a line) or

2. just plain freaking her out.

We don’t have any classes together, which makes it HARD to talk to her as I’ve said. Also, she lives in my neighborhood but I’ve never noticed her before and don’t know where she lives. Got any ideas? I would appreciate your help extremely.

– Chris

Dear Chris,

Yep, totally common problem. You may be shy, but you also may be … human. We can work with that. How about, “Hey, it seems like you live in my neighborhood, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around until now. Did you move here recently?” That’s a pretty freak-free opening. Can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be flattered.

And hey, flygirls: If Bus Boy hasn’t talked to you, don’t assume that he doesn’t want to. He could be writing to BG about you right now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me oBG-Kenobi, you’re my only hope! Okay, a year ago I moved to New York City from California to begin graduate school. I left behind a guy there with who I had a very drawn out, sticky, co-dependent relationship for about 5 years. Here’s the background–we started dating senior year of high school. While we had similar interests, what kept us together was this unhealthy nurse-patient relationship with a constant cycle of fighting and breaking up to keep things interesting. He has a disease that’s making him slowly go blind–it’s sort of like a progressive tunnel-vision. And that was diagnosed when he was 13 (sometime around when he had just seen Top Gun and decided that he wanted to be an Air Force pilot) and then he was declared legally blind when he was 16, right after he’d signed up to get his driver’s permit. So far he hasn’t learned to cope–no disability training and his old room is filled with model fighter planes. Spooky.

But with sheer will and determination he’s pursued interests in athletics and music which you would have never thought possible. The down side is that he always plays himself as a victim and constantly alienates his friends with his “everyone is out to get me” attitude. I’m sure if he would ever consent to seeing a psychologist, a lot of this behavior wouldn’t come as a surprise. So my role in this relationship is that I’m the only one who really understands him and he was incredibly emotionally dependent on me. For me it was a “I needed to be needed” thing. The problem was that he has no ability to handle conflict–arguments escalated quickly, he could be so easily provoked it was laughable, but what wasn’t so funny was how quick he was to say cruel and terrible things to me when he was angry. My way of handling it was to be a peacemaker or avoid conflict entirely–for a long time I had no spine to fight back, and anyway, it was easy to anticipate what would anger him (ie everything). As a result, there were a lot of things I never told him because I knew how he’d react (like that he wasn’t the first person I slept with even though he thinks we were eachother’s first–could it get any worse??). So for 5 years we were on again, off again, each time I would forgive and hope/think that maybe he’d changed. Yes I had low self esteem in my relationships. We were together when I decided to go to New York for graduate school and he was considering coming out here after he finished an extra year of college. But by the time I was ready to leave I had a few epiphanies and realized that enough was enough and now was the time to start over. I told him that I was going to New York and I am on my own now. And that was *supposed* to be goodbye for good. It has been one year and I had not heard from him. The time and distance has allowed me to heal and understand the mistakes both he and I made. But now out of the blue I receive an e-mail from him–HE’S MOVED HERE!!!

This freaks me out beyond belief. Yes, he got into an excellent graduate program here, and yes, for his disability, I have always told him that he should be based in a city with good public transportation, but this guy is not the type to pack up from the tiny town he’s lived in all his life and move 3000 miles away based solely on career ambition. I’d love to think I have nothing to do with him moving here, but that would be absolutely naive. In his letter he didn’t elaborate on his motivations for coming out here, but just said that a couple of things have become clear to him and now that he’s here I can show him around the town and he “wouldn’t mind a phone call.” That’s nice, I wouldn’t have mind if he’d stayed in California! For a one year hiatus he certainly seemed complacent about being chummy again. I don’t know what to do, I’m still reeling and stressing about the fact that he’s here.

On one side I’ll always care about him, and to tell the truth I’m impressed he had the resolution to come out here for whatever the reasons. On the other side, I don’t want him pursuing me again. Completely ignoring his email seems passive-aggressive and logically, if he moved all the way out here, I doubt that would be enough to deter an encounter. What do I want? I would be willing to be a friend if I knew there was no ulterior motive. I am too on guard and suspicious right now to really have an open conversation and I don’t know how to manage those feelings in dealing with this situation. Can you *please* give me some pointers on how to handle this? Thank you!!!

– Turf Warrior

Dear Warrior,

Um, speaking of tunnel vision. There’s a wider, shifting picture here, one that I’m not sure you’re seeing. About what happened in the past, your interpretation and understanding — as far as I can tell — seem lucid and dead on. But as much as you think you’ve moved on, some of your observations about your role in the relationship — no matter how “over it” you might feel — might still apply in the present.

A possible re-encounter with any ex is certainly heebiejeebie-worthy. OF COURSE his arrival is sending you back to those sticky times. But still: Perhaps you do, with this guy, still “need to be needed.” And I’m going to suggest that perhaps you don’t “really understand him.” Not 100%, anyway, and not after you’ve both spent a year far apart. But you may be jumping to conclusions — flattering, flustering “Need me!” ones — about his motivations. I am not saying for sure that he didn’t move to “pursue” you. I am just saying it’s not the only possible explanation. He got into an “excellent program,” Turf (Good for him!). In New York City. I mean, let’s say he was a … logger. And he moved to … Newark. Where you live. Then we’d have reasonable cause for “ulterior motive.” Your presence may very well have sweetened his deal, but it’s not like he didn’t have other major draws.

And by the way, I wouldn’t get all wigged and reading-comprehension about his offhand “wouldn’t mind a phone call” tone; my guess is he’s trying to come off as casual, as opposed to complacent — and, more to the point, as opposed to Significant. (”As in: LET’S GO SOMEWHERE WITH HARSH LIGHTING AND TALK ABOUT US.”) He’s also leaving the phone in your court. Which was not a bad call on his part, since he made the first move by … moving.

So if you really truly don’t want to deal, you’re entitled to write a brief but kind e-note: “Congrats on the big move and scholarly success — but I have to say I’m not quite ready to reconnect…” Otherwise, though, I’d say that you’re free and clear for what I call a “Sowhaddaryupto?” — an aggressively cheery and casual summit where you sit straight up in your chair, sip latte through clenched teeth, “have to run to a meeting” in exactly one hour, and accomplish your Good/Big Person goal by the act of getting together, not by the content of your conversation. (Also applicable to people you knew in college who bore you now.)

See what happens. He may want you back, he may want to be friends, he may be being dutifully polite — or he may just want to sorta sense that you’re nearby. Like his model airplanes: a bittersweet reminder, at the edge of his field of vision, of something that he remembers fondly but can no longer have. In any case, it’s worth finding out before freaking out.

Love,
Breakup Girl