Dear Breakup Girl,

This guy that I was seeing ended up breaking up with me. He told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend right now, but he still wanted to go out sometimes. I just found out today that the real reason he ended our relationship was that he cheated on me. I still like this guy a lot and if he asked me back out I would probably tell him yes. Do you think this is the wisest thing to do?

— Heather

Dear Heather,

Not so much.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

This may sound pathetic, but I haven’t been single a day in my life since I was 15. I’m 26 now. I’ve had several boyfriends, it’s just that they’ve overlapped one another. I didn’t do this purposely (consciously), it just ended up this way. Anyhoo, I think I might be having an identity crisis. I just want to be alone, autonomous, independent, you know what I mean? But I’m in this relationship with this guy, and we’ve been together for about 5 years. I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a few years, though. I think I just stayed with him because, well, that’s what I always did. So now we’re all wrapped up in this whole relationship business, and it really is like a business, joint checking, bills, car payments, etc. I feel stuck and trapped and confused. My girlfriends say, “Oh, you just get like this. You’ll get over it and marry him.” I need some unbiased advice. I know this guy wants to marry me, and I have to believe it’s because he knows he can’t do any better, or maybe he just wants it more than I do. I don’t know. That’s a terrible thing to say, but that’s the way it is. (more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help. I have acquired an extraordinarily complicated personal life.

Two months ago, it was like a Frank Lloyd Wright structure, all clean lines and good sense. Then my bf of six months broke up with me for another girl he had known for preCISEly forty-eight hours (no standing in the way of true love, I guess). We were determined to stay friends. It was a difficult break-up for both of us; we cried a lot, I was upset and mad and he was just … in love.

The friend thing quickly fell apart because his new gf goes rabid at the thought of me, and because now that I was no longer the primary female in his life, this previously conscientious, thoughtful and sweet man started being none of the above. I won’t get into specifics, but he started demonstrating aspects to his personality I would have been much happier never to have seen.

This really scared me. Before: Cool guy. After: Hyde. Who knew?

Now it seems that the planets have realigned and every man I ever knew before him has reasserted himself in my life in their single states. The ex love of my life who lives far away is going to be in town for a month. The guy I lived with in university and who lives even farther away is in the country for two months. The guy I had a huge crush on at my first job and who had a girlfriend is now single and making it clear that he’s interested. A guy who I would have dated had I not met Hyde who then started dating one of my friends called me the minute he found out about the breakup and said (I quote) –“It’s not serious between us. She knows that. So do you want to go out for dinner some time?” Then there’s this sweet boy who lives far away who keeps asking me to come and visit …

(more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently started dating this girl and I like her very much. But everytime I see her she insists on bringing her best friend along. She expects me to bring a friend to keep her friend company. I didn’t mind this the first few times but now it is way outta hand. When she calls me she has her bestfriend on three-way. Plus she tells her best friend everything about our relationship and I feel that some things should be left between us. How do I let her know this without offending her?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yeah, well, as three-ways go, that’s not so much the kind that people fantasize about. Bringing A Friend — on a date, never mind a phone call – almost always means Take a Hint. But I wonder if in this case, we might want to reinvent the third wheel.

She (they) does (do) call you; she does want you to bring a friend for the Friend (thus upgrading her from Chaperone). Except for the telephone part, there’s something about it that’s a little Jane Austen/Edith Wharton — you know, where it’s unseemly for a single woman to be alone with a man to whom she is not betrothed, or with whom she is not having an affair.

(more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

My divorce was final a year ago. I had the opportunity to take my ex to the cleaners, so to speak, in court (nude pics of him and his lover in a hotel room and information regarding his affiliation with a prostitute). However, I chose not to give all my money fighting in the courts and settled out of court. I sometimes regret my decision — only because I want him to know what I know about his affair and his affiliation with a known prostitute. He prides himself on being a “highly moral and ethical person” (he is psychologist). I still have all the documentation I had planned on using in court…and have contemplated on sending it to his new bride (he mail ordered her from Russia via the Internet). Or just giving the info to him…to let him know he may have thought he got on over on me….but there are others that now know of his less reputable side. Should I simply leave well enough alone…my head says I should….my heart says I still want to hurt him as he did me. What do you think?

— Beeja

Dear Beeja,

Don’t leave well enough alone. Leave hellish enough alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, Breakup Girl, this is my first letter asking advice EVER to anyone about all of this, so… well, I hope you have time to read a long one. If not, toss me.

I’m a 17 year old guy. I’m too skinny, I’ve got acne, but I’m a great friend with an irresistible sense of humor (or so I’ve been told). Oh, and I’ve had a stellar love life, absolutely wonderful! NOT. My last relationship crashed and burned. On the SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY, to the day, because things weren’t going anywhere and we were getting frustrated with each other. And the three girlfriends I had before that ended when (in chronological order):

1) She lied to me about loving someone else, thus being unable to continue going out with me. (Fortunately, we had only been going out for, oh, 4 hours, just long enough for her to realize I had never had a girlfriend before and had no idea she was coming on to me. This one later turned psycho-slutty, having sex with anything that breathed, including ME, offering phone and oral sex with me as late as a year after. She also tried to break my best friend and his girlfriend up… sick-o.)

2) She went out with me for six days, kissed me, then refused to talk to me — forever. No reason at all, except one I heard that went through three people that went, “She gets bored with guys quickly.” Ne’er heard word from her since.

3) She left. I fell for a girl on the second to last day of a summer camp. She lives about 120 miles away part-time (and over 400 the other part) because of her split parents. Saddest thing about this one was that it was the best time out of all four girlfriends I’ve had… I haven’t heard from her since, and my letters don’t come back with “Address unknown” or anything on them.

(more…)

The Predicament of the Week from September 21, 1998…

Readers will recall that Brad’s original predicament vaulted into Of the Week status the moment he recounted that the girl who wanted to hang out, hold hands, snuggle — and just be friends — went so far as to bake him a cake.(Thus serving up, for Brad, immense confusion, and for Breakup Girl, a veritable dessert tray of metaphors.). A week later, the frosting thickened, and our man B. got in trouble for being nice-guy-shoulder/pastry-chef — not, say, Boyfriend — for the women he desired. His unrequited cooky-baking had begun to take a toll-house on his will to love. THEN, Brad came back for BG-record-setting thirds, prompting a rather sugar-free response.

But now, at long last, Brad tests — and shares — a new recipe for romance!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hello. Again. It’s me, and first off I would like to thank you very, very much for listening to me ramble and rant and cry and weep and moan and groan and bitch and scream “Oh my God, why me, why ME?” three times now. I promise you, if this was going to be another one of those letters, I wouldn’t be writing it. Instead, I would probably be off in the corner weeping softly to myself with my head tucked between my knees listening to Jewel or Amanda Marshall.

First off — Lynore.

I walked out to my car early one morning to go pay my tuition fees and as I got into the car, I noticed a note on my windshield. It was from Lynore, and it said the following:

“Brad — I miss you! I know (so do you) that I’ll NEVER call, but I really want to see you. I work at Rising High after 5 PM most weekdays and my phone number is xxx-xxxx. Don’t be a stranger! Love, Lynore.”

What would a sane person do? Well, I don’t know, but I fought with myself for a week and finally said ,”Let’s go see her.” Long story short, she hasn’t changed one bit. Five minutes into our conversation she made it clear that she wanted my pity (her boyfriend? That moved to Florida? Whose family she’s living with? He destroyed her self-esteem.) and she asked if I thought she looked okay. She said that she still loved the guy, whatever, blah blah blah, and that she just wanted to see me because I was such an understanding person, and that she needed someone to cry to. Okay, so am I wrong in translating this as “I want to use you as a doormat?” No thanks, Lynore. In fact, I’d just had another girl call me up after not speaking to me for two weeks. Why? Boyfriend problems. I finally just told her (let’s call her Janet) “Janet, look. If you really want to be my friend, call me on occassions other than those during which you’re sad or depressed, okay? Thanks.” She got really angry and hung up on me. No word from her since.

(more…)

Getting ugly on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 22 years old and never had a relationship. Every guy I met has used me for money and sex. I have always been so nice and caring, the most sweetest person to men, even helping them out financially when they need it. (I don’t want to get into the amount of money I gave men, because you probably will be shocked.) From the age of 17, I started sleeping with men just for the hopes of a relationship, so they’d like me, etc., plus they told me all the things I wanted to hear. Me being very shy and unattractive, I would become very happy from hearing a compliment. I also learned that if I said no to sex, the guy would leave and I’d never see him again. However, last year one guy did not accept “no” and I was raped. The whole court ordeal lasted one year and I was not able to date anyone. Yes, I did go to rape therapy for that year. It helped, because I still didn’t give up on men after that. I basically just dealt with it and accepted it. When I was finally able to start seeing men again, my friend hooked me up with this guy. It took me a while to trust him, but finally I did and I slept with him (which was a pretty big step for me at this point). Of course, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, but to me that was “normal.” I just blamed it on my looks. I found out he was married. This devastated me because again, I trusted someone and shame on me. I think I have heard all the lines by now. I saw another guy for two weeks right after the married one, but he didn’t want to be my boyfriend either, even though I spent every day with him. I took care of him when he was sick in bed for several days. I gave him rides all the time in my car. He told me he loved me, even though sometimes he put me down about my weight and how I looked. But I never slept with him, so he ended up leaving me. He got in a relationship with some one else within a matter of days. I could go on and on about the many other guys I’ve tried to be with, but I’ll spare you the misery. They all have practically the same scenario, same ending. I really feel that all I am good enough for is sex and my money. It hurts to think that all I did for each guy didn’t mean nothing to them. Sometimes it hurts to look in the mirror. Please help me.

–Melanie

BG’s advice after the jump!

A sad ending on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am, I think, as of today, finally extricating myself from a relationship that was horrible and sad, from a man I love(d) with all my heart. I feel so awful, looking around the house we just moved into, and seeing our whole life that we had built together (hanging pictures, watering the plants, meals together, etc.), and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and tried so hard, for a man who, ultimately, was so wrong for me. I feel guilty for letting my elation and infatuation get in the way of all the alarms in my head at the beginning, and postponing the end for years(!) until we do nothing but hurt each other, and still know we love each other. Although the insurmountable reason I’m giving up is that he’s attached to another woman and can’t/won’t let go, I realize our problems were so big that she is really just the catalyst.

I’m an intelligent woman– I pride myself on being positive and optimistic– do I have to become cynical and build the walls I hate in others to someday achieve a healthy relationship? Or, will I just punish the next guys for what I’ve been through with my past relationships? AND! How does anyone ever really know someone is right for them? It seems like everyone puts their “best foot forward” and then after I’m already sucked in I find out things that would have eliminated them at the start, but by the time the “bad stuff” is evident, I’m already in love and want to try to make it work!

(more…)

Better off on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Im 13 and probably about 10 pounds over weight. I was going out with this guy when i gained the weight, than he dumped me because he said I was too fat! But like the next week he started dating this other girl who (no offense) is a lot “bigger” than me. So when ( and if ) i lose the weight should I try to make up with him or just drop it?

— A Little Over the Top

Dear Little,

Drop it. The boy, not the weight.

Love,
Breakup Girl