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August 27, 2012

How do I have sex with him without hurting his feelings?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:35 am

Feels like the first time on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok, I hate asking for advice. About anything. I detest asking for directions when I’m driving (I get lost a lot) and I really, really, really hate asking advice about anything personal. But, jeez, I’m confused. No, wait, nervous is more like it. Here’s the deal: I have a boyfriend. I love him a lot. We have a good relationship. He’s totally sweet, I’ve known him since I was a freshman (I’m 18 now and in college) and he was a sophomore in high school. In fact, we once dated [three years ago] too. So our relationship has a pretty strong base. I’m completely secure and happy. Great. Super. Wonderful. Right? Problem is, we recently agreed to start having sex. Now this is not a “should we or shouldn’t we” are we ready kind of question. I know I’m ready. I’m not a virgin, haven’t been for a while, and I’m comfortable with that. It’s not like I’ve been sleeping around. I lost my virginity two and a half years ago to my best friend…it was a mutual curiosity thing, and I’m glad I lost it to someone I love as much as him…even in a friendly way. I’ve been with two other guys since (both long-term relationships) and haven’t felt guilty or weird at all. Until now. Cuz, see, the thing is, well, he (my boyfriend) is a virgin. Yep, 19 years old, never slept with anybody. Don’t get me wrong, I love that. I think it’s totally cute. It makes him even more attractive. I just feel kinda strange having quite a bit more experience than him. He knows he won’t be my first, we have an honest relationship. And I can tell it’s weird for him. I know he still really cares for me and all, but I think it’s like, painful for him to think about other me with other guys. In fact, he told me so. How do I put him at ease? I love the guy, and I feel so loved and flattered that he would sleep with me. I know he’s turned down lots of other girls, so for him to feel ready to sleep with me, only me, really says a lot for his feelings. He’s a really sensitive guy (almost scarily femininely sensitive) and I want him to know that it is equally special for me, which it is. So it basically boils down to this: How do I have sex with him without hurting his feelings? Strange question, I know, but I’m worried! Thanks a bunch…

– Nicole

BG’s answer after the jump!

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August 23, 2012

An un-decent proposal

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:24 am

Where’s the romance on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

So here’s a really odd dilemma. My boyfriend of about a year just asked me to marry him. Great, right? Well, yeah, except there were no bells and whistles, no ring, no special moment, just–we had lunch, we did the dishes, he asked me to marry him–you get the picture. And believe me, I am nothing if not direct with this man–as soon as the subject of marriage came up, I told him I wanted the full shebang, including an engagement ring. (We are both in our 40’s and have been married before, so it’s not so obvious that I would want a traditional engagement.) When we talked about it afterward, he asked if I were disappointed that he didn’t go the traditional route. I didn’t say, uhhh, yeah, but I did tell him I thought there was a reason people set special moments aside in their lives–to say “this is a very important moment and I want to make sure this lasts in my memory.”

To present his side of the story: he said he was happy to do something special when he presents me with the ring, but he was feeling that if he put off asking just because he hadn’t found the right ring, or had to save up to buy it, or wait for the right moment to propose, that it would become an empty ritual. He also said that his proposal was un-premeditated and he just went with the impulse.

I said yes to his proposal, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that, if he ignored my request about something this important to me–what’s he going to do when other important issues come along? I hate to say this, but I feel a little like a special moment and memory has been stolen from me.

(more…)

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August 21, 2012

Non-grieving widow

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:00 am

Rushing things on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 20…and I recently became a widow…my husband was 24…and we have a one year old daughter. He and I were together for almost 2 years. Towards the end…our marriage was on really rocky ground..and I wanted out…but things changed when he all of a sudden died. What I’m curious about is…when is it appropriate to start dating again? I loved my husband…but wasn’t in love with him at the end. I’m anxious to jump out there again, but I’m really worried how my family and friends will react. How long do I live the part of the grieving widow in mourning..? Rather than the grieving widow who needs to get on with her life? Help!

–Lauren

BG’s answer after the jump!

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August 20, 2012

More-than-a-crush at work

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:27 am

Going to work on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

As a long-time reader (and definitely big fan!) I know you’ve addressed the issue I’m writing about many times, but this time it’s ME so of course this is different (ha-ha). I’m referring to the mega-crush-on-the-guy-at-work saga.

This is the weirdest thing. I’ve worked with this man almost 3 yrs., the last 2 yrs. directly on my team. Our team has 8 people, I’m the only female, and we’re all really close. This already sounds like it could be trouble, huh? Four weeks ago I realized — after all this time — that I absolutely adore him. And yes, he’s definitely worthy of potloads of admiration.

Ok, so I’m thinking, “this is a crush, you can live with it ’til it goes away.” But I actually know it isn’t a crush, and it isn’t going to go away. The harder I try to put this away, the harder it keeps bouncing back up. Best analogy: it’s like trying to hold an air-filled ball underwater. If you hold it down, you can’t see it, but you expend a lot of energy keeping it there, and it bounces up really hard now and then anyway. If you don’t push it under, it just keeps floating around on the top where you have to deal with it all the time. This situation is obnoxious and annoying.

(more…)

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August 10, 2012

Scone Boy Rides Again

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:21 am

A Bonus Predicament from November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thank you so much for answering my letter last week. Actually, when you wrote the “Friends to Lovers” column the week after I sent it, I sort of figured that it applied to me, so that you’d already responded, and I realized I should consider taking the advice in that column. There hasn’t been any closure to the story yet, but I just wanted to answer the very insightful points you brought up:

>1. “We ended up pretty much revealing our feelings
> for each other.” Pretty much? Was this revelation,
> on her part, a sober, solid, lucid statement of
> fact/lust? Or, perhaps, did you make the first
> confession, and then go on to inflate her
> Chianti-enhanced, engagement-jittery being-nice
> rejoinder

What I meant is, we kissed that night. Trust me, I always recheck audio tracks — as you noticed, I read texts very closely (I used to think this tendency was beneficial), and it was definitely her who made the first confession. I was more surprised than anybody that the subject ever came up. (OK, perhaps there was a small Chianti element, but I know I was completely avoiding the topic, for fear of jeopardizing our friendship.)

> The voice of caution, however, would like to note
> that BG does not hear from you anywhere near the
> level of love-or-die urgency she did from G. It’s not
> even at the level of publish or perish.

No, it’s love or die all right. It is also certainly at the level of publish or perish, as in *if she’s not there I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive school anymore.* I was just trying to tone down the emotion so that I could right a reasonably clear and concise message. You should have seen me dejected and pouting for about two months after she left for the summer. (My friends all thought I was like that character in Swingers, except I never broke out of it.) The Guy at the End of the Bar is right about this one. But I haven’t had a chance recently to take anyone’s advice. Here’s a brief update, showing that things are, if anything, even more unclear now than when I wrote you (at least to me):

(more…)

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August 9, 2012

El Duderino Rides Again

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:16 am

Predicament of the Week from November 2, 1998

El Duderino Rides Again … and Again…Now in Second Place for All-Time BG P/W Appearances

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I have no intention to break the record on serial Predicament of the Week (Brad). So I’ll try to keep this brief and relatively less colorful.

Second of all, you were accurate about the pitfalls of seeing life through tinted glasses. Very perceptive. However, I hesitate to peg Japanese Girl as one of those first decent meal after coming out from self-imposed exile. I don’t think I have loss my common sense to have fallen for someone who just happened to “step in.” JG is INDEED a truly righteous babe. My heart grins just thinking about her. It follows, of course, that I did not fall for the sake of falling.

And third of all, I don’t have a third-of-all, but still.

From my angst/metaphor ridden letters, you would not have gotten the impression that, in “real life,” I am basically this aggressive, devilishly mean, Newman/Brando-ish stockbroker. I don’t think I have split personalities, may be I’m just a bit more in touch with my feminine side, two hard-core feminist sisters made sure of that. Frankly, this affair with JG deserves more delicate consideration as opposed to one of those million dollar trade, where you coldly calculate your beta, stare at your candle-stick charts, and say “well, this trade “SUCKS,” lets cut it loose.” If it was that simple, with all due respect, my sentiment and prose wouldn’t have been this purple.

(This straight talk does not in anyway diminishes my respect for, and gratitude towards BG. But I digress)

Anyway, it’s not really like that, is it? I mean like how do you rationally reconcile the fact that a mean and nasty schmuck like me can feel completely vulnerable and soft in front of this woman? (It’s true, I so eat dudes like those in Glengary Glen Ross for breakfast and I’m so not purposely deprecating for the effect of juicing the script.) How then do you explain that a man, whose favorite phase is “that’s not my problem,” could spend hours mixing paint and rubbing them into the canvas to paint her portrait and then later argue with himself about hues in his sleep? How do you conjure the image of a normally serious adult who manipulates his facial muscles doing an impersonation of “The Boiling Pea Soup” to the beat of Harlem Shuffle, making a complete fool of himself in the process, for her amusement just to hear that glorious note of laughter?

How, pray tell?

(more…)

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August 8, 2012

I want more talking and less sex

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:56 am

fantasyTalking is overrated on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

A year ago I walked into the first day of class and saw the most beautiful girl I had seen in a VERY long time. I had a huge crush instantly. Everyone has certain criteria, whether they know them or not, and She meets all of mine. Intelligent, funny, caring, active, silly, an incredible smile, beautiful eyes… ouch!

Anyways, a few months later I noticed her talking to me more frequently and had the feeling something was happening but thought nothing of it. While we were in Toronto for a conference, we went out with mutual friends one night. Her friend, whom she was staying with suggested I crash at her place since it was closer. I’m thinking, “great idea, She’s staying there!” Anyways, the friend, the crush, and I went back to the friend’s place, and we stayed up talking for a while, then went to our respective rooms. 45 minutes later I’m woken up by my door opening and She’s crawling into my bed saying she was cold. I’m thinking “I will keep my hands to myself,” but that quickly changed when she started kissing the back of my neck. Anyways, skipping ahead two hours,we both agreed that we were not looking for a relationship since our course/work-load simply didn’t leave enough time for one. After getting back to school, we found that the course-load did not decrease our sex drives.

We both found that while we had trouble keeping our hands off each other, the most important part of a relationship, communication, was going nowhere. Auuugh!!! It would seem like we’d just run out of things to say. I don’t think there was anything worse than feeling like I didn’t have anything to talk to her about. I even started to plan ahead what I could talk to her about at one point! Anyways, we broke up after about one and a half months because we agreed that we were missing something pretty and important; communication.

(more…)

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August 7, 2012

Can I let go of my dream man?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:51 am

fantasyReality rocks on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in an unsteady relationship for 7 years (my friends & family did not like him… but I was stubborn & refused to see the bad qualities in him). We did break up for 1 year during my senior year of college but after graduation we got together & he found a job near me & decided to move in together (to save $ on rent).

A year later, we got engaged & the big wedding plans began, plus we purchased a house. All of these pressures, plans, $, commitment sent him for a loop & he ended up having an affair with a divorced 28 year old F with a 5yr. old. (This affair took place 3 months before our wedding and during this affair he continued to be a part of the wedding plans as if nothing else was going on in his personal life.) I found out about the affair by accident; we did the counseling thing…but he told me that he loved me…but wasn’t in love with me as he now loved her. Make a 4 month issue short & to the point — he moved in with her & I now have the house. I lost 30 pounds during that time & I’m very thin to begin with. I realize that this is the best thing that could happen to me; & I picked up the pieces by telling myself that this is only a difficult time in a very small portion of my life…what I mean is…I still have my career & many good & supportive friends & family.

I moved on & two months later I was feeling great & dating. I met this guy Gravy (who happens to be my best friend’s husband’s best friend) so…the guard was down as he was highly recommended to date & we began talking on the phone…he called me first. We really hit if off & talked for 5 hours every night about everything! Keep in mind we live an hour & and 1/2 away. By the time we had our first date…you would have thought we knew each other for a lifetime. For the past 2 months we have talked on the phone during the week & emailed at night & we have seen each other every weekend.

I always told my ex-fiance what I was looking for in a man (ya know…romance, humor, likes to talk, likes to make me feel good besides just himself). My ex always said I was living in a dream world…but then I met Gravy & so I must be dreaming because he is wonderful & a POSITIVE in my life.

(more…)

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August 6, 2012

This week at Happen: What if he’s cheating?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:50 pm

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from a gal who’s scared-to-lose him, but she’s was burned by a cheater before:

I got out of an extremely bad relationship about three months ago with a man who cheated on me. I thought that I was going to stay single for a long time because I knew that I would have a hard time trusting again, yet that’s not how things worked out. I became friends with someone shortly after the break-up, and the more time we spent together, the more we both realized that we were meant to be together.

Now she’s grown suspicious of this new love and it’s driving him away. Is she unable to let the past go and what should she do? Read the full letter and response at Happen, then chime in with your own thoughts below.

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August 3, 2012

Not-ideal guy seeks idealized girl

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:59 am

fantasyMaking a move on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess this question isn’t too hard to answer. I’ve liked this girl, let’s call her Joan, and for four years now I’ve been crazy about her, but I never had the guts to really go for her. I’ve since supressed all my feelings for her because I don’t feel I’m good enough for her. So, NO ONE knew that I had these feelings for her. Joan’s the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most perfect girl in the world, but she’s just a regular friend to me and that fact is killing me.

I’m not the ideal guy for girls. I’m the quiet guy who no one really bothers to talk to (hardly popular), except to ask for help on a homework assignment. I guess you can call me a nerd, but I’m not that dorky. Her friends can stand me, but they don’t really enjoy my company if you know what I mean.

Well, I know for a fact that Joan doesn’t like me in that special kind of way, and I need to find someway to let her know how I feel without completely scaring her away. I don’t want to lose her friendship. I talk to her whenever possible about little things and I spend as much time as possible around her without seeming conspicuous. I call her from time to time just to talk. I make up some excuse and ask about what assignment we got from which class and then go onto other, more casual things.

(more…)

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