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May 13

The birds and the bees, snails, earthworms, etc.

Filed under: Treats,TV — posted by Sadie @ 6:00 pm

No, you aren’t the only ones! Lots of couples try to spice up or revive their relationships, specifically the s.e.x. part, by sharing some porn. If you get lucky and find a tip-top specimen, it can be a very inspiring experience. Unfortunately, the market is glutted by low production quality and generally sub-standard fare. But if you’re looking for something unique, something artistic, perhaps even avant garde — or if your partner happens to be an environmentalist, an entomologist, or either Bjork or Matthew Barney — then the Sundance Channel has just the thing for you.

It’s called Green Porno and it stars no less than certified fox Isabella Rossellini. Tagline: “LIVE NUDE BUGS!”
Rossellini created, wrote, and stars in this series of shorts, which describe — in graphic and scientifically-accurate detail — the sex lives of insects and other randy creepy-crawlies. No, it’s not sneaky voyeuristic footage of actual bugs, as in Microcosmos (though that snail scene was HOT); it’s Isabella Rosselini dressed as a praying mantis (also, I am telling you, HOT). So it’s got many elements of classic pornography: over-the-top costuming (wait ’til you see the earthworm), gadgets (“If I were a firefly, I would light up my ass at night”), dirty talk (between spiders!), gender-bending (Rossellini often plays the male of the species, and she’s quite a cad, usually referring to a partner only as “a female”). But you don’t have to hide it from the kids. In fact, it may be part of their homework.

Out of the eight shorts my personal favorite describes the kinky sex lives of snails, though there’s an explicit anatomical display that’s not for the squeamish. I give props to Isabella though, she manages to pull off weird, gross, educational, and sexy all in one fell swoop.

Warning: the spider feature may be a bit triggering for those who’ve been the victim of the old romantic hit and run; apparently Mr. Spider sneaks up and deposits the goods in a stealth attack. Dude claims he’s afraid of being eaten. Yeah, whatever. We’ve all heard that one before.


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