e-mail to a friend in needI’m a hottie, you’re OK
Having once seriously dated a fantastic, and fantastically ugly, guy, I have developed the following fugly-guy philosophy: You have to feel in your lusty places that your man is, like, the hottest guy in the world. In your head, however, you may acknowledge that he is perhaps the hottest guy in the world only according to you.
A recent study about the relative physical attractiveness of spouses seems, at first glance, to bolster my theory, stating that hot-wife/not-so-hot hubby couples often feature the most mutual encouragement and support.
But what a buzzkill to see the same hieroglyphic-era logic trotted out as the reason why, that men value physical beauty, while women prioritize emotional support. So men pick partners from the top down, starting with looks and then seeing what’s underneath, whereas women — well, to quote an old Janeane Garofalo bit that’s stayed in my head, “If we like the guy, we’re tolerant.” (She then references the marriages of Stephen Hawking, Chang and Eng, and “the Shine guy” as proof.)
The study also says that, in couples with conventionally hotter men, those men tended to exhibit a “that’s your problem” mentality, possibly fueled by the subconscious notion that they could do better with someone else.
As I have also seriously dated a truly beautiful man — I mean, straight male friends used to tell me how handsome he was — this assertion stopped me cold. Was that why he never wanted to spend holidays with my parents/pick up cat food for me/see a couples therapist? With cheekbones so high and eyes so blue, was he biologically unable to do so?
What frustrates me about so many of these studies is that the people interpreting them always seem to do so through societal-expectations-colored glasses. Who says the ‘hot’ men are subconsciously scanning the crowd for a ‘better’ option? Maybe they have a “‘that’s your problem’ mentality” because they really do think it’s someone else’s problem if that someone else doesn’t think their woman is hot?
But no, we couldn’t possibly give ‘hot’ men - or ‘not hot’ women - credit for breaking the societal mold, now could we?
Comment by Optimist — May 26, 2008 @ 9:17 am
@Optimist: If you follow the link to the original study, the “you” in “That’s your problem” seems to be the wife. As in: “Yep, honey, we’re married, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be particularly reassuring to you or supportive of anything you do.”
Comment by Daphne B. — May 26, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
This weekend, I was out on a first date with one of my dance partners (a 48 year-old with a amazingly athletic physique). During the course of the conversation, she realized that a couple of my previous girlfriends had been curvaceous. She lept to the conclusion that I must prefer curvaceous women.
That’s rather inaccurate.
Appearance isn’t the primary characteristic that I look for in a girlfriend. (Don’t get me wrong; it makes the list, but it’s not at the top.) And since “curvy” women outnumber “seriously athletic” women by at least an order of magnitude, I’ve dated more curvaceous women.
I think this study made a similar mistake. If I’m thinking (conciously or subconciously) that “I can do better”, it does not necessarily follow that “prettier” is going to be synonymous with “better”.
Furthermore, the researcher stated, “Women seem to be sensitive to men’s height and salary.” This is hardly a secret. Why would I base my decision about whether “I can do better” on MY appearance? I know that’s not what most women use as their top criterion.
I can think of at least two alternative explanations why this correlation could be correct, while the cause/effect assumptions could be wrong.
Comment by Karl R — May 26, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
Speaking of type, I always preferred brunettes, but I was a chickenshit in high school, so I always ended up dating blondes, which led to my first brunette girlfriend thinking I had a thing for blondes.
And Optimist, the key word in that sentence is “tended”. There are always exceptions.
Comment by MikeT — May 28, 2008 @ 10:05 am
MikeT: Where are the non-chicken-shit men? Even when they seem to like themselves, the have a lot of weird self-effacing behaviors. Like I once dated a guy who acted like a total loser sometimes- in a literal way, not like he just had low confidence- while he wasn’t great-looking either, that was my biggest turn-off.
Comment by Kayle — May 28, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
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Pingback by i’ve been remiss in posting « — June 3, 2008 @ 10:14 am
Hot?…how you people describe attraction and hottie describes how all of you are shallow and will always be looking for a relationship and will always be lonely
I was always that way and had the hot girls but was never happy…shallow was my nickname…was engaged to the most beautiful brunette in the world but there was always something missing…then I was married to a beautiful hot blonde but still something missing….we never had anything in common but for me, I looked pretty great with these hot babes under my arms, all the guys were envy and my brothers always told me that I rock with the girls but we miss seeing you and spending time with you…had the babes but still felt lonely and depressed, you see, I grew up in an active enviroment. We were always busy, hockey and skiing in the winter and baseball and golf in the summer…never stopped, never stayed inside and never had a dull moment with the family or friends…then came time to settle down at the age of 25 and it didn/t work cause she never wanted do anything I liked. We always did what she wanted and I obliged cause she was hot and I never wanted to loose that under my arm…well that lasted for 5 years of hell right from the start then came the blonde…I ended up getting her pregnant so I married her thinking that was the right thing to do but we were both miserable all the time but she was a babe so I tried to do all she wanted to do and sometimes I snuck in a game of golf or baseball but paid for it dearly when I came home…always tried to get them active but that was not there passion and tried to get the kids actve in sports and camping but she would’nt have any of it so became disfunctional and ended up nagging and dissapointing for everyone expecially the kids when it came to divorce….then I met A women golfing and we kind of stayed in touch for 5mths, like everyday,…she had the most amazing eyes, captivating…I knew what I wanted in a relationship now and we chatted about our dreams and criterion in a partner and they were similar…common interests for one thing and guess what, it had nothing to do with physical all tho we mentioned it to each other then laughed how that had not worked in our past relationships….we golf together, we play ball, we camp…I can’t wait to get up in the morning to see what I ccan do to make her day better than yesterday and I never thought that both of us were that attractive physically,…wait a minute…the way we look at each we are the most beautiful people in world, that includes physical… and its been 3 years now and we still get chills when we see each other in the morning and at the end of the day after work….good luck everybody…I’m in love and couldn’t be happier and all my friends and family along with hers have told us they have never seen 2 more happier people be….commom interests make for a beautiful life…
Comment by Chris — June 6, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
Here are the real hottie Girls i think
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Comment by Spacey — October 7, 2008 @ 12:25 pm