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Breakup Girl » Why We Cheat
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July 2, 2008

Why We Cheat

Filed under: Psychology — posted by Amanda @ 2:13 pm

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Adultery lurks everywhere, among celeb couples and political leaders, our neighbors and even, on a bad day, our own relationships. New York Magazine, following up on the Spitzer scandal in its own back yard, recently weighed in on the matter, with a lot to say about American culture and the perhaps untenable emphasis we put on monogamy.

According to writer Susan Squire, marriage wasn’t made to handle all this pressure in the first place. The average life span is far greater now than it was 100 years ago, and back in those days, marriage was a more formal institution for breeding and family purposes only. It’s becoming more and more difficult for partners in a marriage to get the variety and sexual attention that they need. The American burden is the ideal that marriage should provide romantic love forever. “Marriage involves routine, and routine kills passion,” Squire says. Sometimes partners see an affair as the only way out of that rut.

That’s why Mira Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, suggests that not all cheaters are evil trolls. In her book When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships, she presents 17 basic reasons why someone may cheat for reasons that aren’t necessarily immoral, and may at some level at least be understandable (if not actually advised or effective) — from “finding oneself” to “sexual panic” to “accidental” (Like what? “I tripped”?) to trying to “kill” a relationship to see if it comes back to life, having an affair to heat up a marriage, and coping (or, well, not) with a mid-marriage crisis. Kirshenbaum also suggests that those having affairs should not necessarily confess their actions to their partners: not so they can “get away with it,” but in order to to avoid perhaps unnecessary pain and mistrust. (This, we gather, is assuming they actually stop.)

But you can ‘fess up to us: are you a “good person” who cheated? Or were you cheated on by someone you forgave? After all, BG does believe in, you know, not cheating, but she also believes in compassion and, where possible/appropriate, rehabilitation. What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments!


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34 Comments »

  1. I forgave a cheater. Once.
    When he was about to do it again, with the same girl, I didn’t forgive, I left.

    Here’s the problem - I don’t care what anyone says, there are MAJOR ISSUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP if you’re even thinking of cheating, much less gone and done it. And I don’t care how much you’ve been through together, or how much time you’ve put into it, it’s NEVER acceptable, and I’m now going back to my original statement from before I met this guy: There are three things that will make me leave and never look back: Lying, cheating, and abusive behavior.

    Sorry, but forgiving someone for it never gets you over it and it never ensures that it won’t happen again. And I’m appalled that the author of that book would encourage keeping it a secret. That’s breaking two of my three rules, and could be breaking the third if he brought home and STD (because THAT would abuse my body worse than a black eye would, even).

    Nope.
    Not okay.
    Not “acceptable”.
    Not evolutionary.
    Just. No.

    I’d rather be single and childless and living with dogs alone for the rest of my life before I ever go through that crap again.

    Comment by Terminally Single - Like Cancer — July 2, 2008 @ 3:00 pm

  2. I was cheated on, and I don’t forgive.

    I’m with “Terminally Single” cheating is NEVER acceptable. If you can’t control yourself or if you’re bored with your relationship then you need to talk to your partner. Your relationship is doomed if you can’t talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

    Yes, cheating makes you a BAD PERSON. YES you can call me narrominded, I don’t care. Aside from spreading your diseases it’s the single WORST thing you can do to someone you claim to love.

    And I don’t quite get the line, “The American burden is the ideal that marriage should provide romantic love forever.” What, is America the only place that says marriage is forever? They don’t do that ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD?

    Comment by Pattie — July 2, 2008 @ 4:18 pm

  3. Yes, I can’t spell narrow-minded.

    Comment by Pattie — July 2, 2008 @ 4:19 pm

  4. Never cheated. When I’m in love it’s like the rest of the world is black and white to his color. If that starts to change, I know that there’s a problem in my relationship that maybe I should work on.

    Been cheated on once. Did not forgive. The cheater was completely untrustworthy and every time I even thought about forgiving him, he gave me a reason to back off.

    Comment by xpuff — July 2, 2008 @ 4:26 pm

  5. I’m the lucky one, never having been on the receiving or giving end of cheating. I was strongly tempted once - the relationship was having major problems - but I didn’t act on it. I told my partner I was feeling neglected and had developed a crush on somebody. We tried to make it work, but couldn’t, and in the long run we split up. My crush had nothing to do with it.
    Now I don’t know how I would react. My boyfriend and I are cohabiting and we spend the best part of our time together, so we wouldn’t have the time to cheat :P I don’t know what I would do if I found out he had an affair. I think my trust would be destroyed forever, but I can’t say. As I said, it’s never happened to me.

    Comment by Giulia — July 2, 2008 @ 5:02 pm

  6. I recently have had a friend who found out her Father has been cheating on her Mother for years. YEARS. With the same woman. Evidence of the affair was found by the wife.

    I can only think of their family. Compounded with children, a home and other promises made, cheating is not an acceptable release for any troubles the marriage may have.

    In fact, I see it as the cowards way out. Cowardly acts are often destructive, and in this particular case will be breaking up a family in a very difficult and very painful way. Much more painful than if the roots of the problems had been dealt with directly.

    Now is his cheating due to the fact that he is just living too long to be able to keep his promises? This line of logic is faulty. If this is true, I think I’ve lived too long to be able to pay back my student loans. I’m going into embezzlement because I’m bored with montly payments. Historically I shouldn’t have even gone to school!

    Comment by Hilary — July 2, 2008 @ 7:00 pm

  7. OH BOY, This is a touchy subject…

    I would like to bring in another male perspective here for a moment, and the flipside of the coin, as far as my own experiences go.
    I’ve had a number of relationships, and a bunch of different experiences with this idea of “infidelity.”
    I ended my very first long-term relationship 3-4 days after I cheated on her - to be clear, I did not have sex with my girlfriend after the “event” so there was no possible transferal of an STD. The relationship was over in my head though, a long time before that. I stayed with this woman despite being tired of the relationship, for about 4 months longer than I should have, because it was comfortable for both of us.

    Does this excuse my actions - no.
    Does this make the indiscretion any less - possibly.
    She doesn’t know to this day, and we have remained good friends once we ironed out our differences over the break-up. I see no reason to tell her any of this ever happened.

    I have had one other indiscretion though, and this was more recent.
    I was with a woman for the past 6 months, who was the most jealous woman I’ve ever met. She didn’t go so far as to look at my phone records, but she wanted to know who called me, who text’ed me. Who, what, where, when, how.
    If I took a couple minutes longer getting to her place from the subway station than she expected, she’d start an interrogation. I felt strangled, but at the same time, I love this girl. She’s just insecure, but that behavior towards me was so bad, that all I wanted was to cheat, and eventually I had a one-night stand with a woman I met in a casino in Vegas.

    Now, to be sure, she and I got off to a rocky start. In the first month she dumped me, and 3 days later I had meaningless sex with some girl I knew from way-back-when, and the next day when she wanted to take me back, and I wanted to get back with her, she saw this sex with the other girl as cheating. And it took her three days to decide if she forgives me or not.
    Her words were more-or-less along the lines of: “if you love me, how could you be with anyone else?”

    To answer this question, I will say that different people view sex differently. For some, like me, sex ranges in importance and quality. I can have meaningless sex with Jill Schmo, or have amazing lovemaking sessions with a girlfriend, and there are levels in between as well. Being judged by someone else by his or her own world-views on a subject doesn’t leave a lot of freedom, now does it?

    Now, I will say this. I cheated on my girlfriend once, and I feel terrible about having done that. Odds are good that I will never forgive myself over that one-night stand in Vegas, and similarly good that she will never find out about it. That still doesn’t excuse my actions in this case. I did something unforgivable. But I say this, because I made the decision that this would not happen, and it did. Not because she would ever need to forgive me.
    The first case I mentioned though is a different story. In that case, I knew the relationship was over, and though I used my indiscretion as a trigger to get me out of the relationship, it was over a long time before that ever happened. So, in this case, I see it as more of an act of closure than an act of indiscretion.

    Now you can all attack me for being the monster you know I must be.
    But the truth of the matter is, I’m a good, decent guy, and when I find the right person, I will not cheat on her.
    Then again, when I find the right person, I won’t need to think about the option even, cause she won’t be so jealous as to drive me to it.

    Comment by GGumB — July 3, 2008 @ 11:39 am

  8. hrm. thats a tough call. I dont think I would want to be with someone who has that kind of jealousy. However, I have been the inseucure but not to the point of the lady friend you say you are with. I did manage to work through most of my insecurity by having current said, kind sweet, thoughtful boyfriend. it really helepd to talk about the things that made me insecure and he was able to not make me AS so insecure. So maybe a tactic like this might help?

    No matter what, cheating=still bad. She may not find out but its more the principle of what you did. I still dont think being “driven” to the cheating. takes two people two cheat. and i wouldnt be blaming her. its not fair.

    I wouldnt be with someone like that period. that person has issues with insecurity and needs to see someone or at least deal with it. thats is just my opnion.

    Comment by karen — July 3, 2008 @ 11:58 am

  9. GGumB - Yes, you are a monster.

    Why?

    Because your actions have been based on YOUR feelings about sex and cheating, and not your partner’s feelings about sex and cheating. You’re selfish and likely could justify your way through just about anything if it made you look “less” guilty in your own eyes.

    Mistakes don’t happen twice, because then they’re more than just “mistakes”, and to say “when I find the right person, I won’t cheat on her” is completely cowardly. Why don’t you spend some time making yourself “the right person” for a woman who doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, because you won’t ever find “the right person” if you can’t BE that for someone else.

    Comment by Terminally Single - Like Cancer — July 3, 2008 @ 12:05 pm

  10. Never cheated, for certain values of the word. The gray area comes when I was getting divorced, and we both slept with other people before it was entirely legally complete.

    The thing about cheating is that there is an entire process involved. You don’t just slip and trip on the street and, oops, you’re having sex. Sorry about that! A kiss I could forgive, because it’s a moment, and maybe your relationship is in a really bad place right then and you forget yourself for a moment, and, yeah, that can happen.

    But actual sex has so many moments where you could realize what you’re about to do and where you have to choose to do it anyway. For someone to fly right past those moments requires them to either be angry with their partner and want to hurt them very, very badly, or it requires them not to care. Either one would be a dealbreaker for me, I suspect.

    Not that I wouldn’t forgive, but I’m not sure I’d be able to trust.

    On the other hand, my wife and I have a brand new baby, and if she cheated (which is an IF of mythic proportions), I suspect I’d work like hell to trust again rather than leave, provided she was as willing as I to make it work.

    Comment by MikeT — July 3, 2008 @ 12:35 pm

  11. I was cheated on once, never cheated, never would. I don’t believe in cheating. Simple as that.

    I agree with the comments posted by Terminally Single-Like Cancer. Ironically, her 3 rules are basically my 3 rules as well. I won’t take abuse, liars, or cheating.

    Cheating is NOT acceptable for any reason! You may have a solid reason why you cheated but no reason why you should have. I’ve heard people say that there’s a thrill in cheating. Some wonder how long they can go without getting caught. I don’t understand what’s exciting about breaking someone’s heart and/or causing an array of unnecessary drama! If you are no longer invested in the relationship or interested in the person, just let them know and move on. If you break up, it’s not cheating. Duh. You’re wasting your time and your mate’s time by staying in the relationship; both of you are missing out on the person out there that’s better for you. I would rather you be honest with me and say you’re not feeling me anymore than to cheat on me.

    Cheating is glamorized when you have shows like Cheaters plus the influence of the media coverage on Hollywood breakups. It seems everything is distorted; our views of commitment, marriage, values, etc.

    For those of you who saw the movie “Sex in the Movie”, I still don’t believe Steve should’ve cheated on Miranda. Again, he may have had a solid reason to some people (lack of sex in 6 mths) but it still should not have happened. Whether or not the person you slept with means anything to you is beside the point, male or female. Sleeping with someone else is hard to forgive and forget.

    In my opinion, people today are getting married for all of the wrong reasons. I think more people dream of their wedding ‘day’ rather than the actual marriage after the honeymoon.

    I’m upset but also sad when I hear of girls staying in abusive relationships and getting cheated on. You really must not love yourself. I love myself too much to let anyone treat me poorly or abuse me. Some girls say that the guy will change once they get married. What kind of mindset is that? You can’t be serious.

    I would rather be single with no kids and happy then miserably married with kids suffering because of it.

    All I do is pray for change.

    Comment by Single Life Works 4 Me — July 3, 2008 @ 12:57 pm

  12. In my first serious relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me. She had commitment phobia, and she had a habit of acting upon it by sabotaging the relationship. Before she confessed, she felt horribly guilty about what she had done. She responded to that guilt by repeatedly finding fault with me.

    After she admitted what she’d done, I forgave her, and we stayed together for a few more months. But that one act of infidelity completely torpedoed the trust within our relationship. (I have been able to unquestioningly trust subsequent girlfriends, thankfully.)

    In retrospect, I’m glad I went through that experience, since I learned a lot about it. In addition, it’s given me extra incentive to withstand any temptation to stray. I already know what it does to a relationship.

    ————-

    GGumB,

    In my opinion, you’re NOT a monster. In my opinion, you ARE a coward.

    Instead of leaving a relationship that you were “tired of”, a relationship that you knew was over, you required an affair to serve as a “trigger”.

    You imply that you know you’re not with “the right person” right now; you’re with a woman who doesn’t trust you. But instead of leaving her, you stay in this dead-end suspicion-filled relationship.

    I can understand how your girlfriend’s suspicions can create a temptation (to live down to them), but her jealousy didn’t drive you to do anything. Her bad actions are separate from yours. And I see it as a rationalization for you to try to shift some of the blame on her.

    If the relationship isn’t meeting your needs, you should have the courage and integrity to fix the problems or leave.

    Comment by Karl R — July 3, 2008 @ 3:46 pm

  13. I thought this was clear when I wrote it the first time. but, to clarify…
    I’m not with her anymore, and am not planning on having a girlfriend again for a while.
    right now, I’m just not interested in having anyone close to me.

    Comment by GGumB — July 3, 2008 @ 4:16 pm

  14. GGumB - And well you shouldn’t, until you can get your own head out of your pants and back on top of your neck where it belongs… you know, above (supported by) your heart?!?

    Comment by Terminally Single - Like Cancer — July 3, 2008 @ 10:11 pm

  15. WOW such harsh criticism, while I think cheating is wrong I would be more hurt if my significant other went to someone for emotional support. There are so many reasons people cheat and each case is a little different. I started dating a guy it was about a month or so into the relationship and this girl called and said she had been his girlfriend and they had been out in the past several weeks, he went out with her a couple of times after he met me and chose me. We were together for 7 1/2 yrs and I learned from that relationship and would love to have another man like him.
    When you are dating believe in your self worth and if its going to work it will and if it doesn’t its ok.
    So many men I have heard of who are cheating don’t want to leave their wife because of the kids and they love their wife but she is has shut him out. There was a lady who was attacked by people because she said she loved her kids but loved her husband more. She went on a talk show against some of these other women and where she put her husband first and he helped her with the kids and they had a great marriage most of the other women said their husbands were on their own and didn’t include them in raising the kids, some of their husbands were there and they were un happy and wanted to be involved and feel included but their wives didn’t want to bother with them, but expected them to hang around till the kids were gone. The thing they missed though is if you don’t show love to your partner and look at them as a teammate and put them first how are you going to teach your kids what a good relationship is.
    I think its sad that so many people take the ending of a relationship so hard they don’t want to look for another one. When something ends it doesn’t mean there has to be a bad guy it just wasn’t meant to be. You should take the good and learn from the bad and look for what you want.

    Comment by Tonya — July 3, 2008 @ 10:51 pm

  16. It’s also funny how people want to slam family values but then want someone to respect them and not cheat on them. People want to pick and chose when they want a value recognized.

    Comment by Tonya — July 3, 2008 @ 10:56 pm

  17. Well for myself, I think cheating is outstandingly bad - I didn’t understand how bad until my ex cheated on me earlier this year.

    I hear lots of reasons why people say they cheated - such as a bad relationship, no sex, catalyst for breakup or not the right person. To me, these are reasons for breaking up, not cheating. And if you’re not grown up enough to break up with your partner then you’re too immature to be in a relationship.

    Cheating on your partner is the ultimate betrayal of trust. It is cowardly and extraordinarily disrespectful.

    Cheating does not happen by accident, people make a conscious choice to do it.

    While I acknowledge that monogamy can be a difficult aspect to a relationship; most of our sexual relationships are monogamous and that’s the way most people like them.

    Those who aren’t into monogamy might choose to have an open relationship where people are allowed to have other partners, and perhaps with people living longer and having more varied life aspirations, open relationships may become more common. The key difference that being in an open relationship is a consentual choice, whereas cheating is not.

    Comment by joestar — July 4, 2008 @ 5:03 am

  18. Well, after reading these comments and the backlash, I’m a bit deterred from posting my opinion/experience, but here it is.

    I was married for ten years, have been separated/divorced and completely single, as in no relationship since then, for the last four. After having seen the ugliest sides of commitment I am trying to work into a healthier frame of mind so that I attract healthy men.

    I can’t understand why someone would cheat if they were only dating. I definitely understand why people cheat when married. I am still amazed at the beating my self-esteem took during a decade of marriage and being slowly cut off from friends, told I was unloveable, etc. We were already in counseling, both together and individually, to decide what to do about our marriage when I met someone who saw me the way I had used to see myself before I had been married. Against my better judgment, I began an affair. But that connection helped give me the strength to finally demand a better life for myself and leave my marriage. Of course a better life meant not being with the kind of guy who would have an affair too.

    I see married people all around me who are unhappy, manipulated, who have absolutely NO sense of individuality or self-respect left after years of partnership and falling prey to unhealthy marital dynamics. There are major issues of finances and parenting wrapped up in the marriages so in many cases there’s not only no love there, there’s often not even any respect. In many of these cases, they meet someone in the course of everyday life who “gets” them, who sparks something in who they used to see themselves as being, and that is more of an affair than just sex outside marriage could be. After a long marriage, leaving can be as ugly for both parties as staying, and it’s very difficult to choose which path to take, especially when there are children to take into consideration. It’s easy to rationalize that the hour a week you find with the person whom you can’t help but give your heart to would hurt no one.

    I can’t say that there is any right or wrong solution because every situation is different, and every person is different. The man I had the affair with was married, but his wife didn’t mind his affairs as long as they weren’t in her face. She never knew I existed, but predictably, that marriage didn’t last either. I don’t know if I would or could ever marry again having seen all the worst sides and really none of the best of it. But I do believe that there is NO GOOD WAY for an affair to end, ever. Even when two lovers change their lives around to shed their former partners and come together, there is always going to be an issue of trust looming over them. However, the alternative endings are usually MUCH worse. For that reason alone, I advise against it and will, in the future, always see a temptation to cheat as an indication to examine my relationship and nothing bigger than that.

    Comment by Kay — July 4, 2008 @ 2:03 pm

  19. Kay - At least you learned from it. That it’s not the way you’d go about things in the future.
    But there are people who justify what they do and then go on and do it again with the next relationship, and the next, and so on.

    What I can’t grasp is people who say “it just happened because…” and then that relationship breaks up, and on the next one, “this one was different, this time I cheated because…”

    It’s all a bunch of excuses, and what joestar said is super-truth: “To me, these are reasons for breaking up, not cheating. And if you’re not grown up enough to break up with your partner then you’re too immature to be in a relationship.”

    The problem is, people are far too selfish to see that sometimes, and they wind up hurting someone who didn’t deserve it.

    I could go on for days… especially because it happened so recently to me. And not once, but almost twice. Yes folks, I’m still in the bitterness phase. And when it comes to infidelity, I don’t think I’ll ever get out of it.

    Comment by Terminally Single - Like Cancer — July 4, 2008 @ 5:10 pm

  20. Tonya stated: “It’s also funny how people want to slam family values but then want someone to respect them and not cheat on them.”

    Tonya,

    You may be misunderstanding WHY people slam family values. I want my girlfriend to respect me and not cheat on me in a relationship … BUT I want that value to come from inside her. I don’t want it to be something externally imposed by a law. And in most cases, those values couldn’t possibly be enforced by any law.

    When a politician says they stand for family values, I see them taking a “stand” on an “issue” that their elected position can’t possibly influence. I’d much prefer to elect a politician who is willing to focus on issues that he or she CAN influence (education, infrastructure, etc).

    Comment by Karl R — July 7, 2008 @ 10:20 am

  21. I have been in a relationship for about well this time since about early September of 2008. Now her and I have known eachother for about 12 years, I am 20 and she is 21 to be 22 this month. I have loved her since the day I met her online in an online Role Playing chat room. Now we have never met in person but in the early early part of February she cheated on me with a guy she barely knew. And because her former “best friend” couldn’t have her for himself he kept leeching into her ear that I was not in love with her and so what if we have known eachother half our lives. It didn’t matter I was using her. ( I have since made her see that he did that to every other relationship she ever had in the past when we lost contact cause it was an online reltionship.) Now she cheated on me with this guy because we both had alot of stress in our homes, I was being to put it bluntly, shafted by my work on my paychecks and them threatening to take me to court if I didn’t stop saying I was owed more money and had timelips to prove it, and I had just recently gotten a concussion and was abit short with everyone and I hate to admit with her as well. Was almost kicked out of my home twice cause of the short checks and not getting the money I was owed. She was trying to get back into school to get her High School Diploma, and her parents were telling her she shouldn’t waste her time and money to get something she will never be able to get cause she isn’t smart enough, their words basically, just more hurtful and spiteful cause they were her parents saying that. Also her parents were giving her a hell of a hard time for being with someone and how could she love someone she has never met in person but only know from online and it didn’t matter if I knew her better than anyone in the world knows her, I know her better than her parents do because she tells me everything… At least I thought, but I will get to that first off the first time it happened.

    But she met the guy she cheated on me with from her former “best friend” who we will call Stephen cause that is his name, and Nathan is the one she cheated on me with. Her name I will call her Angel, because she is the light that brightens all my days no matter what she has done or could do in the future I love her with all that I am, I am going to visit her the 20th of this month for 2 weeks, then she is coming back to live with me for good. It was to first be visits but after what I am to tell you she is coming to live with me for good.

    But she cheated on me with him, they had sex one time when she though we were over because we were fighting abunch cause of the stress in our own homes. Now she said she did it because she felt we were over and just wanted me to move on because she loved me with everything that she was and said she pictured me when she was having sex with him. I believed her and still do when she said she was sorry for it, I told her no matter what I would never leave her ever, no matter what she did or could do I will never turn my back on my Angel. She said she was crying while they made love and he kept at it not stopping when she asked him to stop, she faked an orgasm and he stopped. Dropped her off at home and told her “Hey that was fun, I loved it when you begged me to stop. I bet you said it because you knew I would go harder at you and make you abit raw.” (Tell me that’s not an a$$hole right there and an indication to stay the hell away from him.) She felt so bad and we agreed her to be under “house-arrest” as it were so we coudl become closer and stronger and we did, we became so much stronger and closer as a couple. Because we both believ that we are soulmates and have lived many lives together in the past and will spend many more lives together in the future. But anyways… They used protection but he was and is the kind of guy to poke a hole in the condom, needless to say she got pregnant. I told her I would raise the baby as my own and no one would ever know that it wasn’t my child. She decided to get an abortion, but what actually got me abit upset at her was she had sworn and promised to everything she would never talk to Stephen or Nathan again for fear of loosing me. Now her parents didn’t know she was pregnant and still don’t (and they never will if I can help it) know about it. She said she didn’t keep it because she wants her first child to be with me, and I told her she is still a virgin in my eyes because none of her past relations ever made her orgasm at all no where close, they used her to masturbate into basically.

    And the abortion happened in about early March when she found out she was she had the abortion a week and half later. The we were doing just fine or so I thought. I was bored and guessed her alternate e-mail password cause she said she told her parents that I was going to be visiting and if they didn’t like it to damn bad for them…. Then the next line sunk my heart because it went something like this. “Now I know you guys are thinking ‘What about Nathan?’ Well Nathan and I broke up abotu 3 days after Daniel’s (her cousin) wedding. (Which was May 25th) So she had been seeing him and sleeping with him everyother weekend since that time. She had at the times she was going to be with him that weekened get super mad at me over nothing and tell me I will talk to you Sunday night or Monday morning. Or sometimes she would sign in tell me “I love you but am at Gillians house (her friend) and she dun have a webcam, so I’ll see you when I get home.

    Now when I saw that e-mail to her parents I asked her if Nathan or Stephen had tried to contact her after she said she told them to leave her alone for good or she would call the cops for stalking. She said and I qoute “Stephen hasn’t tried to at all, and Nathan hasn’t tried to since I spent the couple days at his house after the abortion. And I am still sorry I went there after I promised I woudl never talk to him again.” So I told her and I qoute. “You know… I guessed your password and saw the e-mail you sent to your parents and I never expected to see the second line of that e-mail. Then I saw that you and Nathan have been sending alot of e-mails saying “I can’t wait to see you this weekend” then I would think and remember all the times you said that it was the weekends you said you were with Gillian trying to cool off so we could talk about the fight when you got back.”

    She signed out of the video call we were having and stayed online but told me this word for word and this is a copy and paste so you all know:

    “truth is i was seeing nathan up until after daniels wedding, everybody was telling me that there would never be anything between us, making me think that just because we had fights and had never seen each other face to face that meant there was something wrong. I couldnt turn away from u cause i loved u, and truth be told i was using nathan to impress my parents.”

    Now think of how that made me feel. She told me that Nathan and her had had sex so many times when she was “with me” and that she always wanted to cry and always imagined it was me she was havign sex with. I was furious that she lied to me about it, but I didn’t yell at her, I spoke to her calmly, well as calmly as I could because on Saturday I had fallen at work and almost broken my right elbow and I managed to hit it a couple times when she signed out trying to grab my keyboard so I was in a great deal of pain and still am since this happened about 7 hours ago.

    She said she was sorry, that she was saying she loved him at the same time she was telling me that she loved me. She said she never meant the words when she told him she loved him. And I believe her with all of my heart. But I questioned her on everything she said she had to do with family only to find out that she was with Nathan and having sex because that was all he ever wanted of her. She said she realized she was his play toy real fast. Then I asked her “IF you realized it so fast why did it take you 2 months to ‘break-up’ with him?” she said she wasn’t thinking and started saying she hated herself and wishing she could die and that she was the worst most horrible person in the world to do that to me, because she knows how I would die for her if it meant she could live for at least one more day. Though I wouldn’t want to die, cause I never want her to be in that much pain ever.

    She spilled it all to me basically, saying that she made love to him many times that she was scared as well if she got pregnant again what I would think when I noticed she wasn’t having her periods anymore (Which I noticed before she did when the ba$tard got her pregnant, though I still see her as a virgin in my eyes. MY perfect Angel). I made her swear to me on every beleif she had that it would never happen again ever, that she would move to me as soon as I got back from visiting to stay no matter what, period she was moving to stay with me.

    As soon as she spilled it I went right into trying to make my baby feel better because I don’t care if she thinks she deserves to feel like sh*t, and the world thinks she deserves to feel like sh*t. I never want her upset no matter what, I believe she always has the right to be happy no matter what she could have done. NO MATTER WHAT PERIOD MY ANGEL DESERVES TO BE HAPPY. I told her I still loved her as much as I did the day her and I believed we were doing just fine (that was before the pregnant incident) and it is true, I love her more now if anything because I know this incident will make us so close that she will never stray from me again, never even get tempted to do it.

    She also told me that he said if she didn’t get the abortion and she moved to be with me like she was going to if she kept the baby, that he would track her down and take his baby from her because he was the father and she would have no right and would never be a good parent. That was said after she “broke up” with him after the 2 months. I told her if he had tried I would have gladly made him disappear from the Earth and no one would have missed him. But she got so upset and didn’t believe me at first that I could still love her and not be mad at her though I never got mad at her, just mad that I was lied to and mainly what had me furious was that he used my Angel again for a screw toy.

    So if I happen to see him there when I am there he going to hospital no matter what, and made her promise she will not go to see him if I put him in intensive care or feel bad for him getting beaten so badly because skum like him don’t deserve to even have the ability to donate sperm. She said she would never feel sorry for him because she knows he used her twice and she is so un-godly sorry for ever cheating on me. So much for doing it twice in the same year with the same guy after promising me to never do it again.

    But she is sleeping now, and I think that since I am going to forgive and forget, I havn’t forgiven her yet nor have I forgotten but I will forgive her completly with all that I am and I know for a fact it will be before I go to her in 13 days. Because I know she didn’t mean to do it, but the part that hurt worse than finding out she lied to me then lied to try to cover it up was when she told me she was never going to tell me that she cheated. Just hurt so much like a big knife jamned into my heart and wiggled around before pulled out and plunged back in and that done over and over again.

    But I love my Angel and I will never turn my back on her. I know why she cheated, I wasn’t able to be there for her and we were fighting alot, just she is never to hug another male till after I am there and till after she is here with me, well hug anyone other than me. And she agreed because really she has no right to deny me anything at the moment what-so-ever. But I am not going to take advantage of that in the slightest bit ever. I just love her with all that I am and am in so much pain physically and emtionally. We are going to talk more about it after she has her nap, so yeah.

    I was just wondering what everyone thought og my situation and that even though she cheated on me twice, the second time after swearing to me to never do it again I still love her without question and with such a devotion even the Gods are jealous of my feelings for her. And to end it, I trust her completely even as she told me I trusted her completly I have never doubted her that’s why it hurt me so badly when she did it and told me about it. But opinions on the matter would be appreciated.

    And feel free to e-mail me at darkwolf_6_6_6@hotmail.com

    Thanks,
    My Angels, Blue Eyed Demon

    Comment by Deago — July 7, 2008 @ 11:25 am

  22. I mean September of 2007

    Comment by Deago — July 7, 2008 @ 11:26 am

  23. oh. my.

    I’m not even going to touch that one, Deago. You might want to send that one in as a letter to BG to make sure she sees it. There’s more drama in that story (along with holes, might I add) than the 24 hour SOAP network.

    Comment by Terminally Single - Like Cancer — July 7, 2008 @ 2:14 pm

  24. HI Karl, I wasn’t talking about government or laws being involved in the way I view family values. I too believe it should come from inside the person you are with, my point is we don’t seem to be teaching or living by family values. There is such a lack of respect for other people, places and things and it all goes hand in hand.
    I think we need to have less government in our lives, I think people are to dependent on help from others like the government and not relying on themselves or the help of others.
    I know a lot of people and when they start dating someone they don’t seem to take a really close look at a persons values, its just whether they think they are cute, how much fun they have and how much money is involved.
    While I have to have that initial attraction what turns me on about someone is their values and conversations.

    Comment by Tonya — July 7, 2008 @ 3:29 pm

  25. My ex cheated on me with an 18yr old pregnant girl. I think he has sever mental problems/narcissism. We had our rough patches, although I think he has sexual addiction problems and is a compulsive liar. A pregnant girl?

    Comment by Sarah — July 7, 2008 @ 4:29 pm

  26. I have a couple of different experiences related to cheating. One is, my parents first started dating when my father was married to someone else (and my mother knew it). Bad, evil, awful people, perhaps, but after my dad ended his first marriage (which happened within a year, IIRC), he got together with my mom, and they are still together 35 years later. So it’s hard for me to look at their situation and be too judgemental about it. Does it make any difference that they didn’t sleep together until after my father’s divorce? (but they were kissing, saying “I love you”, and stuff before that)

    The other experience is my own. I cheated on my first boyfriend, when I was 18. My reasoning was something like GGumB’s “first time” cheating: I couldn’t find the courage/strength to break up with him, and this was the easy way. I wasn’t really conscious of my reasons until after the fact. And it was really, terribly wrong. I don’t want to defend it, because it was wrong. Breaking up was the right thing to do, but not this way. Going back to the original post, I don’t think “increased lifespan” had much to do with it, since we were both teenagers, and since we’d been dating only a couple of years. The fact is, I was too immature to be dating. It’s been a bunch of years now, though, and I no longer flog myself with guilt over it. It’s done, and I don’t have contact with the guy or anything so I can’t say “I’m sorry” or do anything to make up for it (not that there’s anything I could really do). All I can do is: not cheat ever again.

    Comment by an excheat — July 7, 2008 @ 9:16 pm

  27. To Deago: This is quite a story, indeed. I am sorry that you have been through so much. If you want to forgive and move on, that is your choice, and it can work. I just urge you — both — to take baby steps. So much happened all in a whirl, and a lot of residual whirliness remains. Everyone’s emotions are high (rightfully). You guys need to take a deep breath and talk seriously about what happened and how, moving forward — slowly — things can be different. You need to be sure in your heart — not just out of breathless love — that she seems ready to to be steady. You need to be prepared for the possibility that she could stray again, and if she does, you need to tell yourself that it’s *not your fault* if she does. And you also need to promise yourself to stay away from anyone you’re so angry at that you might hurt them. That is a road you do NOT want to go down. Okay? So again, take a breath, take your time, talk to friends, get some perspective. I’m not sure how this will end, but you can get through it, slowly and carefully.

    Comment by Breakup Girl — July 8, 2008 @ 4:54 am

  28. I have been involved in several different scenarios with regard to infidelity. When I was younger, I seemed to attract the attached or the married and I didn’t have one thought in my head about the family that may get hurt. I thought of myself only in that what I wanted was someone who wouldn’t be “bothering” me about relationships or settling down. Mostly, I was naive to justify “not” knowing that they weren’t available. I also decided that I thought/think of sex as a man does. I could/can have meaningless sex, decide to make it with someone and after the “act”; kick them right out of my house. Beyond mean at times.
    A defining moment in my life was receiving a phone call at work; my mother actually took the call and then let me have it. The spouse found my business card, called in to work, and “told” my mother to have me stay away from her husband. Now, given the fact that I know this now does not mean that I knew then, that he was married. He was pretty slick about it then. Of course now, looking back…completely see through. It was the bonk on the head that brought the spouse/family into reality. Amazingly, no more husbands/boyfriends attracted ME.
    Karma bites me in the ass where this is concerned, I chose twice to marry and left both due to their affairs.
    I believe it is lack of courage that wont’ allow a person to leave for the right reasons rather than hurting someone they care for. I believe it is a total lack of respect for not only the person you broke your vows to, but in my case, children. I may still be naive when I write that I don’t think it’s a lack of love, more a lack of knowing what work a relationship let alone a marriage and family actually takes. I think it is laziness, selfishness, a lack of consideration of someone else in the relationship, ultimately the easy way out for you and you alone.
    Someone above wrote that he used the indiscretion as a “trigger” to get out of the relationship (already knowing that it was over-from his point of view of course) so it wasn’t really cheating. I couldn’t disagree more. It is cheating. Using anything as a trigger except a conversation is the chicken shit way out of a relationship.
    There are options that would show you’re a grown up.
    1. You know this is going too fast but don’t know if you want to step on the brakes or jump out of the car. Try this:
    We aren’t working for me right now and I need to take a step or a few steps away from our relationship. I’d like to take a few days to clear my head, see what this is all about and we’ll talk then okay? “. Now, no matter how involved you are at this point, there should be absolutely no sex with another person in this clearing of the head stage. You are not asking for permission to do anything. Nor are you out of the relationship, just re-evaluating the situation to be certain you do want out or trying to figure out what is driving these feelings of confusion.
    This also works for a marriage you are contemplating leaving.
    2. If you want out and you know it for certain then simply say you want out. This is a very easy thing to say to a person. Believe it or not, you don’t even need a reason. Say this, “I feel like we would be better off as friends”
    If you think about it, these two options are the only ones you will come across.
    While in a relationship, there is an unwritten rule that you will respect one another. Granted that does assume that you both are of strong enough character and mentally healthy enough to be involved in a relationship. This actually is a HUGE reason we even have these troubles.
    I also want to comment on something else that I read above. The marriages of people 40 or 50 years ago, more people were virgins on their wedding nights. If they weren’t virgins, one or both had not been with anyone else sexually. More of them went to church than do now, they’d taken their vows to God as well as the other person, that those promises weren’t only to the one standing opposite them at their wedding but to all of the community, they were synonymous. Not necessarily that those infidelities weren’t there, but were concealed and or overlooked. I remember something in a movie…a man commented that he did those things (sexual things) with someone else because he couldn’t do those things with his wife…he was asked why…matter of factly he said because those are the lips my wife kisses my children with.
    The cliché comes to mind, I’m paraphrasing, the marrying kind and the kind you don’t marry. Or a lady in public and a tramp in the bedroom.
    I am not married. I am not good at it, so I won’t do it again but I’ve done some soul searching, some guilt, some victim-whining and some blaming and I am hopeful that all that I’ve been through leads me to be a better partner to someone in the future.
    And I hope someone reading this will talk to their partner. If they can’t talk to someone, they should just stay single and true to their natures, be with one person if they want to and be with more than one if they want to, but be honest to those partners. That is the easy way not to get into the situation we’re talking about.
    Keep things simple if you don’t want complicated!

    Comment by Sassafras_Tea — July 8, 2008 @ 1:08 pm

  29. I hate cheaters one time I was dating this guy and he gave me a great preseant right around christmas it was of course genital warts! I was so pissed now I don’t know what to do.

    Comment by jessica438 — July 9, 2008 @ 5:44 pm

  30. What would possess someone to sleep with an 18yr old pregnant girl who is not their girlfriend? Is there some psychological disturbance there? A fetish? Please respond, I am at a loss for words. So heartbroken and confused.

    Comment by Sarah — July 16, 2008 @ 10:31 am

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  32. I just wrote a book about cheating. “Why She Cheated, and It’s Your Fault”. I have to say that ultimatley, a happy person doesn’t cheat. And while marriages today do undergo a ton of stress that wasn’t there 100 years ago, we as people adapt. It gets more stressful, so we have to compensate, for the sake of our health, happiness, and especially children. I truly believe HAPPY WOMEN DO NOT CHEAT.
    Personally, I feel sorry for most women in marriage if for no other reason, their sex life. If a man has no idea how to please a woman, then it has to make for a real problem. I hear men complain constantly about never getting sex from their wives. My response is the same every time…”If she isn’t getting anything out of it other than a mess to clean up, then why the hell should she do it”.
    Marriage can and does work, and there really doesn’t have to be cheating. Pay attention to what he/she likes, and for God’s sake, talk. If he is doing it wrong, then tell him what you like. Give him pointers. Don’t worry about offending him…I promise he will be much more offended if you cheat.

    Comment by Greg Reynolds — October 22, 2008 @ 9:26 pm

  33. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 7 years now with a kind, intelligent, gentle woman whom I love very much. But for the past year I’d thought of leaving her because of boredom and a lack of real communication, fun, excitement, shared goals, commitment to a future vision….then I met a woman at a writer’s and photographer’s conference who shared my dreams of traveling the world, writing and photographing for a living. We would have made a great team. We met again a few times and began to fall in love, although we never had physical/sexual contact. A couple of weeks later I could not stand the tension of holding a secret inside of me and told my long-term partner everything. She,of course, was quite hurt and angry. At that moment, I had to decide whether to stay and work on my relationship or leave for a promise of a future with another woman I didn’t really know well at all. I chose to stay in my relationship and work through the issues that have made us both feel distant from one another.
    I read Mira Kirschenbaum’s book, “When Good People Have Affairs.” I have a lot of integrity and place a high value on truth. The only reason I allowed another person into my heart, beyond friendship, was that I had convinced myself that my relationship was over and could not be salvaged, when in fact, it was a case of the two of us isolating ourselves in our work, not making a conscious effort to connect, and failing to communicate on a regular basis. The foundation of our love is so strong and intact. I’m glad I did not get sexually involved with this other woman, because that is another breach of trust that is harder to heal. However, an emotional affair is still an affair. I was not looking to meet another woman, and I feel that it is far better to end one relationship before starting another. Life is not always so neat and tidy. BUT, we always have a choice. In the past, when I’ve met other women I’ve felt attracted to, it was easy to acknowledge the attraction and simply walk away (I live in a place where there are so many beautiful, fit , attractive people). But when I’d allowed myself to become so distant from my girlfriend, I let myself go into territory with another that is inherently dangerous. In a triangle, an affair, someone, everyone will get hurt. Sadly, the other woman I had spent time with and imagined a future with was devastated when I told her I was staying with my girlfriend. She felt used and misled and deeply hurt. I feel responsible for hurting another human being’s tender heart. Yes, you could say, she should have realized that engaging in a fantasy world with a man who was not truly available was her illusion. She and I both saw such incredible possibilities, but it was a house of cards.
    My relationship is much stronger having gone through this. My “almost” affair was a catalyst for seeing the truth of my life and getting past the reality I’d created in my head about my relationship. Instead of living in ambivalance, I am confronting the truth about what I need, what is missing, what can be. And she is expressing her desires and needs for the first time in a long time. She has been remarkably understanding about my actions, because she values me and wants me to stay and grow in the relationship. It’s almost a happy ending, except that I really caused a lot of hurt in the process.
    Philosophically, vis a vis marriage, open relationships, fidelity or infidelity: The open relationships I’ve seen rarely, if ever work. I think it is in our nature to be monogamous, although we always think about what we’re missing and are so often tempted. I don’t attach moral value to this; rather, I see how people react, how we are affected by jealousy and possessiveness. It is easier to be with one, to love one only - particularly in the sexual realm. My ideal is to love many, with an open heart, but not to allow sexual feelings to obscure or complicate that love.

    Comment by Upsidedowncowboy — October 26, 2008 @ 11:50 am

  34. I was cheated on for 4 years.
    I knew, but I was in denial.
    I grew up in a pretty honest home, I certainly don’t like liar.
    I think cheating is a lie, but I don’t think cheating is necessarily sleeping with other people
    An open relationship is good in my books, if accepted by both parties

    In my case, I went to him. He told me he wanted a three-sum, and I wasn’t up for it, because I couldn’t see him with another person. So I told him that we should have an open relationship - I wasn’t even planning on seeing other guys yet.
    He said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!, so I reluctantly agreed, hoping that he’d stop.
    It didn’t, and about a year later I confronted him (with evidence).
    He was pretty pathetic. Crying, telling me he’d change. Unfortunately for him, I confronted him about it before and he lied, lied, then confessed. THIS time he lied, lied, then confessed.
    This meaning: he doesn’t change his behaviour.
    He tells me he’ll change, but I’ve already found a new place and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to being single, free from lying, and being happier.

    IT’S NOT THE FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE PART THAT BUGS ME,
    It’s the lying.

    Point blank: if there is no honesty or trust in a relationship, what is there?
    Communication is EVERYTHING.

    Comment by Martin — January 23, 2013 @ 4:43 am

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