e-mail to a friend in needNow at MSN.com: How *not* to bring *that* up
Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered byMatch.com). This week, we meet Not Sure, who, during a sloppy three-way (him, her, Johnnie Walker) blurted to her boyfriend that his “stamina” was “terrible.”
This did not go well.
What now? Can they bounce back … into bed and otherwise? Find out what Lynn has to say, and then come back here to comment!
Bg once again I think you gave great advice especially to her because whether they fix this or she goes into another relationship she needs to work on that communication. I would love to hear a guys perspective on this because I don’t think they will be able to work this out.
Something I have noticed when it comes to men, if you have a man who says “I love you that means a lot but if you have a man who loves you and trusts you for some men that is a whole different level and to me this situation is a lot about trust. Since she had already told him it was good, they must have had this conversation before and she lied to him. I also wonder even though when she was drunk she finally blurted it out if she hadn’t been making comments or hints and he just didn’t get them, so she blurted it out.
While I don’t have much experience in this area I have only been in two true long term relationship and a few short ones that meant something and my best girlfriend is 12 yrs younger then me, (so that might have something to do with it and yes I am that old LOL) her and I look at sex in a relationship completely different to her it is the be all to end all and she can be down right cruel if its not good, she doesn’t think its something you work on or have to show them. If sex isn’t good the first time maybe the second time if she really thinks he has potential then they are gone or they better learn how to fix what they are doing wrong and quick. She did have one guy whom she really like and said she wouldn’t break up with this one because of sex or lack of stamina but then they started faultering in other areas I think she became more critical so that this time she wasn’t leaving him over sex. Where for me sex is something intimate between two people who love and respect each other and want to please that other person whether its hours at a time or many short times and you learn things to make it more pleasureable.
It’s funny how “Communication” something that should be so easy is so hard and the fall of so many relationships.
Comment by Tonya — August 21, 2008 @ 6:40 am
I can feel for the guy! I have been married for 22 years and had it said to me in a heated argument one time. It use to be great sex, at least that is what I thought. Then years into the marriage it became less frequent. The farther apart the times were the shorter time I could last to please her, and I am talking months here, not weeks. When we had sex frequently I could last a long time. Sometimes too long. I would try to get her to use different positions to stimulate me less, like her on top. She just did not want to make the effort. I even wanted to use condoms to reduce the sensation. She didn’t like them. I think a lot of this is an excuse on her part to just not want to make love anymore. We have been married for almost twenty five years now and unfortunately my desire has not deminished as much as hers. It is an expression of closeness to me, vs. just sex. Unless there is some way to make it more frequent I think the pressure and the lack of desire on her part over whelms the enjoyment of have a healthy sex life and our sex life is set to be doomed. Which could also set to doom our marriage, I am fifty two. She is fifty four. Any advice from older women would be greatly appreciated. As far as this young couple, I think they need to regroup, talk about how she blurted out her comment and to try and bring their relationship back together. They can make prior efforts in bed with conversations on how to make things less stimulating for him and more stimulating for her to give her extra stimulation. Then, if it does not work, she needs to not feel frustrated in front of him, but give him reassurance she still loves him and they will stay together and keep working on the situation. She could masterbate in front of him before they have sex together, very exciting, or he could have forplay with her with toys. There is a fine line here, with more direct physical contact he has with her at the beginning it may make him not last when intercourse begins. If she can have her orgasm first at least she will not feel left out.
Comment by T — August 21, 2008 @ 7:44 am
I met this guy over a month ago and I really like him. By all observations he is a geek, but he is funny, likes to do stuff, and is so sweet to me, he has told all his friends about me …but there is just one thing…he has no stamina…he has the “equipment’..but after a couple of minutes..it is over…damn!!! I think since we are both past 45, this may be the end in the sex department. I will not get drunk and tell him he is too quick, but I am not going to end a wonderful relationship. Maybe I need to find a way to make him last longer. I am attracted to another man in Las vegas sexually but he is a downright right dog! So I guess you can’t have it all
J’anna
Comment by J'anna — August 21, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
J’Anna you can have it all, lack of stamina/premature ejaculation is usually caused by anxiety and or overstimulation. Maybe your new guy is nervous about giving you great sex. The more you show him you return his feelings the more secure he feels the better the sex may get.
Also there are many things you can do before hand, get edible oils or lotions and start out with a massage touching each other learning about each others parts, connecting way before you get there, take a bath together. After the massage or without the massage get him going bring him to a point of almost and then let him switch to you and let him get you there and then go back to him do this several times and it will be enjoyable to you both. Also communication, I had a guy I really really liked and he had that problem, he told me as it was happening and after he didn’t call me so I had called him and he didn’t call back so YES I e-mailed him and I told him if that was why he didn’t call me there are several reasons why that happens whether its from not having sex for a while or if that is normal for him there are things a couple can do together to work through that. He ended up calling me and we talked about it and it ended up being some of the most passionate, intimate sex I have ever had.
If you haven’t talked to him already do so, see if its from being nervous because he likes you so much he wants to be good for you or if this is normal for him.
Comment by Tonya — August 21, 2008 @ 9:17 pm
I had the same problem some time ago and requested a blood test to check my testosterone level from my Doctor. They were low. He hasn’t yet gotten around to give me shots I probably need, which are expensive if you want to spend the money out of pocket. I have found that herbal remedies and the “penis patches” do help, not so much in making you bigger, but will help with endurance, also makes it last longer. You might recommend those for those that are experiencing similar problems, as testosterone levels decrease with age I found. It is not entirely his fault. He might feel insecure and fear not living up to his potential, so he will avoid having any sex because of low libido. Of course his ego may be bigger than his proudness.
Comment by Tom — August 21, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
I think it is really mean to say something like that to a guy…I’ve ended a relationship with a man because he just wasn’t well-endowed and most of the time I wasn’t sure if we were having sex or not! I didn’t say anything to him about it (because he couldn’t do a lot to change it), but I found a way to end the relationship.
Comment by LB — August 21, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
I recently broke up with a guy that I am in love for two issues–lack of real conversation and his low libido. He was very tender, thoughtful, and loving but never wanted sex and could not hold a conversation. We had fun and laughed together but that’s it. I tried everything in the sex dept but he was not 100% into it and told me he’s fine with sex once a month (we’d only been dating 4 months). I brought it up after there were no signs of changes and he said he had low self-esteem. Period, end of story. As if that’s an excuse to live life at the minimum. Anyway, I want the max so I had to end it.
Comment by CB — December 3, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
I miss my wife!!! hate it when i read sex stories… makes me… hmmmm
Comment by RapidClimax Solution — October 7, 2009 @ 12:22 pm