News flash: boys are icky, dateline March 16, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I have recently moved into a new apartment with a guy, we’ll call him “Brutus,” who I hardly knew. Then the first night we moved in together Brutus and I messed around. Three months have passed since then and I feel like I am pretty much “in love” with him or something quite like it. Problem is, I am quickly falling OUT of love with him due to all of the gross little bodily things that you see everyday when you live with someone. I don’t know how to cool things off with him without going through some big, torrid fiasco and someone moving out — I mean I like being his roommate…but not his girlfriend. I just want to quit messing around with him. Oh yeah, also he always tells me he loves me….uh OH!!!! How can I not hurt him??? Please Advise!!!
–Grossed Out By Bodily Function Brutus
Dear Grossed Out,
Uh…if everyone fell out of love due to “all the gross little bodily things that you see every day when you live with someone,” then there’d be, like, no married people, ever. I mean, I assume you’re talking about the gross little bodily things you see every day, like, you know, hair that could stand to be washed or a little ring around the collar — not the gross little bodily things that Mulder and Scully see every day, like, you know, eyeballs with black slime in them or that asparagus thing that comes out of people’s necks.
Point is, if that’s the reason you are falling out of love with Brutus, then BG ventures to say that she’s not sure how in love you were with him in the first place. And just for the record, messing around on Night One with your new roommate is not Number One on Breakup Girl’s list of Wise Moves.
That said, what to do now? Well, it’s bad enough to have your ex in your calculus class, or your workplace, never mind your …shower. You, Grossed Out, may have to move out — especially if he’s as gaga for you as you seem to think. Spare both of you further agony.
Exception: if you live in New York City. Living with an ex — even one with eyeball slime and asparagus neck — is better than looking for an apartment in Manhattan.