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September 15, 2008

Dumper’s Dilemma

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:41 am

Classic LetterChickening out on January 9, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,
What if you know you need to break up with him, but you really don’t want to?

Dear Lyna,
Is everybody listening? Thanks, Lyna — Breakup Girl couldn’t have put the Dumper’s Dilemma better herself.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: “Because he’s there” is not a good enough reason to stay with a boyfriend (especially, you long-distance people, when he’s not). Nor is “because breaking up sucks.”

Breaking up does suck, you guys. That’s why I’m here. But trust me, feeling sad and yucky is better than feeling confused and stuck. The latter destroys brain cells, permanently. The former — unpleasant though it may be — is the first step of the heart’s healing process. But the longer you wait once you realize you need to do the deed, the longer that process is going to take.

Breakup Girl


  1. But what about the part where you really like being with him but you realize that the self-absorbtion that is funny when things are fine in your life is a lot harder to deal with when you’re waving your arms saying, “hey over here, please notice I’m hurting here!” (like, literally) but he doesn’t notice, and so you think you need to break up with him but you’re not sure if you really do because you’re depressed and think it might be the depression talking? You know, just hypothetically :)

    Comment by Aquagirl — September 15, 2008 @ 11:15 am

  2. Yeah, I’m in the exact same boat, and actually found this site will searching google for “boyfriend, need to break up.” I’ve been with this guy for 5 months. I guess, looking back, it started off on a pretty bad foot. I’d been swearing up and down for about two months that I wasn’t going to go out with him, even though he kept telling a friend of mine that he was really into me. I just didn’t feel it and that was that.

    HOWEVER, one night, after getting really drunk, we ended up sleeping together. And guess what? He turned out to be a pretty decent guy. I could laugh with him, and be silly with him, and not have to worry about my body because he thought I was beautiful. It seemed like a pretty good deal, so I stuck with him for a couple of weeks, all the while sure that we were going to break up when summer came and I got an internship somewhere far away.

    And here’s where it gets tricky. Despite my best efforts, I didn’t get an internship, and was forced to take a crappy job around town. Then, due to a series of unfortunate events, his housing situation fell through…so he ended up living with me. I’d hardly been in the serious relationship before, let ALONE lived with soemone, so things felt rushed to say the very least. But, I cared about him and I didn’t want to see him living in some filth hole, so I let it slide.

    Eventually, he ended up telling me he loved me. That he’d never felt this way with a girl before, etc. Feeling slightly pressured, I told him a loved him too – and have since realized that even though I DO love him, I’m not IN love with him. I care for him, but I’m not head-over-heals, passionate in love with him. And now every time I say “I love you” I feel sort of dishonest. And he always says it first…

    By now, I’ve realized that I have to break up with the guy, even though it’s going to hurt like shit. Just thinking about it now makes me start crying. Because the fact is, even though I really, really care for him, and even though I’m afraid that I’ll never find someone as good, every day I feel more exhausted and unhappy. It’s just too much. There’s too much imbalance. And the longer I wait to break up with him, the more it’s going to hurt him eventually.

    Actually, that’s the biggest problem – me not wanting to hurt him. Objectively, he’s really wonderful – cute, smart, with a heart as big as the ocean – but I’m just don’t feel good anymore, and that’s a problem. And last night all my friends started telling me that I’ve changed somehow, which cut me pretty deep. So yeah. Something’s gotta give.

    Sorry this was so long – I guess when you bottle things up for so long, they all come out at once, huh?

    Comment by Jess — September 20, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

  3. ugh im pretty much in the same ship as all you guys i have been dateing the same guy for 9 months hes nice and everthing and i like to be around him but i dont think i love him im barly sure of wat love is it reallly sucks because i dont wanna hurt ya it sucks

    Comment by chelsea — December 1, 2008 @ 10:18 pm

  4. Hey guys
    this probably comes a year too late but I was in the same boat until recently. I was with a guy for nine months- we got along so well, he wasn’t a dick- pretty much the opposite, kind of like hte guy you describe Jess- someone I could feel myself and comfortable with. But I was always kind of unsure with the relationship and I realised I wasn’t in love with him as much as he was with me. So there was this uncomfortable power imbalance which i hated :( i broke up with him and it hurts alot (probably hurts a lot more for him) but i think it’s worth it because 1) you won’t be stuck feeling like crap and 2) you’re giving the guy (and yourself) the chance to find the right one for you both. the thing to remember is that it’s ok to feel like this and also that it’ll be ok in the end. it probably doesn’t feel like it at the moment but it will, trust me. i still miss him even though it’s been a month and a bit which confuses me- but i think it’s just the effect of being with someone for a long time and trusting. being in a relationship, especially when it’s with a good person is so rewarding- when you can trust someone, and get to know so much about someone and it will be hard to get over (for both) when that is over. ut the hurt passes as well. i guess moral of my long rant is that trust the advice of breakupgirl :)
    good luck guys.

    Comment by Ivy — November 23, 2009 @ 3:18 am

  5. Ivy, thanks for the wise comment — and not just because you said to trust *me*! :) BG

    Comment by BG — November 23, 2009 @ 12:50 pm

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