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April 16, 2010

Working overtime

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:38 am

The Predicament of the Week from March 23, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

There is this guy that I met while working. We were in different departments but on the same floor. He was always there to listen to me and give me advice and noticing when I wasn’t happy or having problems at work. There is no doubting if you are agreeable to somebody when they see you and break out into a gigantic smile, every time. At first I didn’t think of him as anything more than a cool guy. But one day I woke up and realized that I was attracted to him not because of what he looks like but because I felt comfortable around him (which you must understand for me is strange since I’ve had odd relationships up until now). We had a fall-out in which he said to me that he knew me very well, that I was an emotional person, that when I became emotional I was defensive and when I became defensive, that made him uncomfortable because he felt that he needed to justify himself to me. All true, but it seemed odd that two people that were just co-workers were sharing with each other.

In any case, we managed to overcome that and it seemed as though he started opening up a little more: we share a passion for white chocolate, puppies and a hatred of roaches, among other things. We’ve shared private jokes in public and he’s gone out of his way to do me favors like phone calls to other prospective employers to find out what their pay scales were. I’ve returned the favors by making phone calls that he needed done. My situation at work went from bad to worse and it ended up in my being asked to leave. That was actually the best thing that could have happened to me because I managed to see him before I left and he asked for my home number, and because I hesitated (it was the shock of him taking the initiative that threw me off for a few seconds), he asked if it was O.K. for him to call me at home! But of course he hasn’t. Now, he gave me his and said that I could call, but, he was never home (I know for a fact that he has another job teaching at night).

The odd thing is that nobody at work knows if he has a girlfriend. He has never once mentioned it to me or to anybody else (I have spies) and he went to the company Christmas party by himself. The only pictures he has up are of him and his family (parents, brothers, etc.). To make matters worse, he not only is a beautiful person on the inside, 90% of women at that company, both single AND married, would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Many are surprised at the level of interaction I have with him given that he doesn’t make a point of socializing or going out of his way for anybody there, not even people he works with directly. I will be seeing him next week at a function that was organized off-site so that I can attend, something that he spearheaded. I don’t know if that will be the last time I see him or not and I’m a little uncomfortable with being the one to take the initiative since I’ve been shot down so many times by others. And the worst part is that I don’t know if he thinks of me as just a friend or if he is interested and may just be shy. The fact that he hasn’t called doesn’t help either. It seems as though he doesn’t do too much of the emotional thing. For example, I gave him a card for Christmas and even though he never thanked me or acknowledged it, he displayed it on the shelf in his office. This all makes no sense to me. Any insight or advice?

— Scared

Dear Scared,

First of all, you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a new job, since you are nothing if not “detail-oriented.”

But BG is worried about a couple of things: (1) your priorities, and (2) your perspective. When you say that being asked to leave your job is the “best thing that could have happened to you” — all because it might give you a better shot with someone with whom you share “a passion for chocolate and puppies and a hatred of roaches,” Breakup Girl worries. What, do you both love “E.R.” and fear fire? He sounds like a good enough guy, but so far, Love Story this ain’t.

But now that you are — for better or for worse — no longer in the same office, you do have some more leeway. If you want to get to the bottom of this once and for all, ask him the heck out. I don’t care if you’ve been shot down before — I mean, I do care, but who hasn’t? If he’s interested, fine; if not — well, I’m just concerned that fretting over this guy is going to distract you from what you really need, which is, hello, a job. And the ability to keep one. Redo your resume, then start interviewing boyfriends.

Breakup Girl


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Breakup Girl. Breakup Girl said: a classic BG letter: "we share a passion for white chocolate, puppies and a hatred of roaches." http://www.breakupgirl.net/?p=3847 […]

    Pingback by Tweets that mention Breakup Girl ยป Working overtime -- Topsy.com — April 16, 2010 @ 5:21 pm

  2. I’ll tell you what after what you just typed anyone any coolnesur, cop, psychologist would tell you to get the hell away from him. I know we all say one time or another, WE LOVE HIM! but sometimes, we may not have a place to go, or thats all you’ve ever known..is him to treat you like that. How is that fair to you or your kids? You may be in love with him but he doesn’t love you and thats a FACT my dear. I’m the outsider looking in and i can see anyone who mistreats you like that, doesn’t care for you. Do you understand where i’m coming from? I’m not trying to be hurtful or mean. I’m being dead serious. When he went to jail, don’t get pissed at the officer, there only doing there job. What would you do if your child got ahold of one of those pills and they died? How would you feel then? Would you still say you loved him? Now I ask you if someone treats you like a whore, and shows you that the pills mean more to him than you and kids do, and treats you like a piece of Sh!t do you really call that love? I’m telling you, that isn’t love he’s gotten comfortable with you, using you and if your in the path of him taking his pills and how it changes his attitude, etc your gonna get the whole Sh!tty end of it. When your kids see you and him fighting, they grow up thinking thats how life should be that’s not fair to them honestly! Being in a relationship is a two-way street. Don’t you want someone to love you? And your kids? Believe me, there are men out there that would be great father figures. Just don’t settle for anyone. If you’d like, you may email me back if you’d like to chat. Good Luck

    Comment by Maui — February 20, 2015 @ 4:13 am

  3. What to put in a love letter to get ex back?My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago as he is very deseesprd and on medication and couldn’t handle a relationship. I haven’t contacted him, but really want to send him a card to let him know I am thinking of him and hope he is getting better. Do you think this is a good idea, and if so, how should I word the card? I really would like him to take me back but won’t rush him. Many thanks for your help.

    Comment by Thiago — March 24, 2015 @ 12:43 pm

  4. Have you ever went back with your ex while in a relationship?Because I’m with a rlleay good guy, but now my ex messaged me and i’m missing him and thinking of getting back with him, it’s been 3 months too. and i am happy with this new guy, has anyone else ever went through this? and did you go back with your ex?

    Comment by Lakhiatwal — April 23, 2015 @ 12:14 am

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