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April 23, 2010

Flickering Flame

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:01 am

Weighing the options on March 23, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Frankly, I am losing interest in my husband; he is not the man I married. We have known each other for a number of years and have been married for about two. The passion is gone. We rarely see each other because of his job and mine (about 12 hours a week if we are lucky). We have had numerous discussions and he leads me to believe he is no longer attracted to me because I have have gained weight (30 lbs.) since we married. The reasons for my weight gain are numerous: #1 would be the period of unemployment prior to my current job and the fact that there is absolutely nothing in the town we live in and I have no friends here. My true concern is how do I keep the flame alive? I have tried seduction, homemade meals, talking, time alone — frankly I am fresh out of ideas.

— Q

Dear Q,

Hard to say whether the weight gain is the problem — sad and shallow fact is, ever since the waning of the Rubenesque glory days, men and women have been conditioned to not be attracted to plumpitude — or the scapegoat. I’d like to think, anyway, that your marriage / passion was based on more than your figure. Or maybe it wasn’t, which is why it’s shaky now. In any case, clarify what you really want. You say you’re losing interest in this guy who isn’t the man you married, but also that you want to keep the flame alive. Is “the flame” really code for “your pride” — do you actually want to prove, in light of what he implied, that you’re still attractive? If that’s the case, then no amount of homemade meals or Saran Wrap (around you, not the homemade leftovers) is going to work some kind of overnight magic. In any case, you don’t need to lose weight; you need to gain — as you seem to understand — friends, quality time, a social life, maybe even a marriage counselor. Easier said than gained, I know; start with the counselor. Also take some solace in the next letter.

Breakup Girl


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  4. Hello Lynn,
    I’m married to the nicest guy you would ever meet. We have been married for a long time now,
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    His company is up and down, and we have had family illnesses, to say the very lest we never have time for each other we don’t even sleep in the same rooms because of work schedules.
    it has been two months since we last madelove. we can not afford a sitter we have very little time a lone what should we do our kids are still very young, is this a normal accurence for people who have been married this long?any suggestions

    Comment by Jane — June 15, 2010 @ 12:28 am

  5. I would say that is DEFINITELY normal — or at least completly understandable. I mean, you (and this is not your fault) have essentially none of the conditions that would lead to sexual awesomeness. My recco, other than reading the advice archive here, is this book: Love in the Time of Colic by Ian Kerner. All the best to you!

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