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February 29, 2008

Partying Like There’s No John

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:32 am

Classic letterCelebration anxiety from January 5, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

God, I’m glad you were here for me on a most gloomy day!

A year ago I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I loved him so much but he didn’t want to be married as he had already been there, done that. He knew I wanted that and he didn’t. He said, “I’ve met someone that I want to be romantic with.” Like I was some passing fancy! He loved me! Grrr! He also told me that he “didn’t feel paid attention to” — yet he’d never said that before. To top it off, the next Friday night, the NEW GIRL was sleeping over at his house … as I drove by to spy.

Otherwise, I’ve done good, though: not stalked him or her, not sought revenge like the Chocolate Ex-Lax cake I have often dreamt about making, not calling him or her (though I did page him a couple times to no number), not sending him dead flowers or keying his car.

Still, this whole ordeal has just about killed me — it’s been a year and I’m still not completely over him. I still think about him a lot and feel that pain of rejection deep down.

It just so happens I won ten free tickets to the Comedy House Theatre and thought I would use the opportunity for a religious experience and throw a GET OVER JOHN Bash! But I can’t come up with a good name for the gathering (I want to send out invitations and do it up right). Can you give me some creative ideas? You have such a way with words — I know you’ll come through for me.

–Smilybrd (smiling more since I found Breakup Girl)


Dear Smilybrd,

First of all, thanks for the compliments and vote of confidence. Breakup Girl loves it when people say nice things in advice-letters! I’m sure you’ve all read my disclaimer that some letters may be edited for space and clarity — but the nice stuff, no matter how obsequious and irrelevant, I’m not about to touch.

Anyway, your party. Forgive me, but first I’m going to say something more sober and cautionary than you expect. Look, Smily, it’s been a year. Your over-him statute of limitations is, simply, up. At this point, to host a party that explicitly acknowledges — even outwardly rejects — his continued power and presence is to grant him exactly that. Quite frankly, the whole idea made Breakup Girl a little nervous.

BUT. Breakup Girl, unlike certain people, is not deaf to your needs. And I love nothing more than to invent and implement party themes. (Why, the invitation to the launch party for this website read, “You and your ex are cordially invited…”. Plus, the fact that I am currently scheming up a the theme for my friend M’s shower is almost enough fun to make me forget that the occasion is Peer Wedding # 19.) So here’s my idea: plan and pitch the party as some sort of badass babe fiesta. Bachelorettes without the Wedding. Buffy the Comedy Slayer. Bond Girls Take Back the Night. Or, simply, Grrrl Night at the Comedy House Theatre.

Whoops! I just realized I assumed this was a chick thing; maybe it’s not. Either way, my main idea will still work. Here it is. The background “wallpaper” of the invitations should be a photo collage of Lame People Named John: John Tesh, John Wilkes Booth, Dr. John Gray, John Schneider (from his post-Dukes singing career), et al. Let people figure it out for themselves.

That, Smily, is how you can work the non-John factor into your fiesta without letting him be the guest who wouldn’t leave! Let me know what you wind up doing! Party on!

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Everyone: the Ex-Lax cake thing is a matter for trained professionals. Do not try it at home.

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