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February 29, 2008

Partying Like There’s No John

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:32 am

Classic letterCelebration anxiety from January 5, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

God, I’m glad you were here for me on a most gloomy day!

A year ago I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I loved him so much but he didn’t want to be married as he had already been there, done that. He knew I wanted that and he didn’t. He said, “I’ve met someone that I want to be romantic with.” Like I was some passing fancy! He loved me! Grrr! He also told me that he “didn’t feel paid attention to” — yet he’d never said that before. To top it off, the next Friday night, the NEW GIRL was sleeping over at his house … as I drove by to spy.

Otherwise, I’ve done good, though: not stalked him or her, not sought revenge like the Chocolate Ex-Lax cake I have often dreamt about making, not calling him or her (though I did page him a couple times to no number), not sending him dead flowers or keying his car.

Still, this whole ordeal has just about killed me — it’s been a year and I’m still not completely over him. I still think about him a lot and feel that pain of rejection deep down.

It just so happens I won ten free tickets to the Comedy House Theatre and thought I would use the opportunity for a religious experience and throw a GET OVER JOHN Bash! But I can’t come up with a good name for the gathering (I want to send out invitations and do it up right). Can you give me some creative ideas? You have such a way with words — I know you’ll come through for me.

–Smilybrd (smiling more since I found Breakup Girl)

Dear Smilybrd,

First of all, thanks for the compliments and vote of confidence. Breakup Girl loves it when people say nice things in advice-letters! I’m sure you’ve all read my disclaimer that some letters may be edited for space and clarity — but the nice stuff, no matter how obsequious and irrelevant, I’m not about to touch.

Anyway, your party. Forgive me, but first I’m going to say something more sober and cautionary than you expect. Look, Smily, it’s been a year. Your over-him statute of limitations is, simply, up. At this point, to host a party that explicitly acknowledges — even outwardly rejects — his continued power and presence is to grant him exactly that. Quite frankly, the whole idea made Breakup Girl a little nervous.

BUT. Breakup Girl, unlike certain people, is not deaf to your needs. And I love nothing more than to invent and implement party themes. (Why, the invitation to the launch party for this website read, “You and your ex are cordially invited…”. Plus, the fact that I am currently scheming up a the theme for my friend M’s shower is almost enough fun to make me forget that the occasion is Peer Wedding # 19.) So here’s my idea: plan and pitch the party as some sort of badass babe fiesta. Bachelorettes without the Wedding. Buffy the Comedy Slayer. Bond Girls Take Back the Night. Or, simply, Grrrl Night at the Comedy House Theatre.

Whoops! I just realized I assumed this was a chick thing; maybe it’s not. Either way, my main idea will still work. Here it is. The background “wallpaper” of the invitations should be a photo collage of Lame People Named John: John Tesh, John Wilkes Booth, Dr. John Gray, John Schneider (from his post-Dukes singing career), et al. Let people figure it out for themselves.

That, Smily, is how you can work the non-John factor into your fiesta without letting him be the guest who wouldn’t leave! Let me know what you wind up doing! Party on!

Breakup Girl

P.S. Everyone: the Ex-Lax cake thing is a matter for trained professionals. Do not try it at home.


  1. I dunno BG, how does one calculate the statue of limitations for a heartbreak? If you use the 50% rule, she was still well under. If you use the any relationship must be gotten over in 3 months rule, she was way over. Where does the metric come from?

    Comment by Ennis — March 9, 2008 @ 5:57 pm

  2. I’m not saying she’s not allowed to not be over him; just making sure she doesn’t try to move on in ways that just leave her more mired. That said, I think there’s no one simple rule — at least not one that can be performed with simple algebra — for calculating the statue of limitations. I usually work in percentages, actually. You don’t have to be 110, or even 100% “over someone” in order to start doing the things you do when you move on (leave futon, date again). The standard’s way too high, or at least the way people measure it is: what, you should NEVER think of this person, or it shouldn’t smart when you do? You really need only, like, 80, 90 percent over-it-age before you call it. The rest comes from the sheer momentum and will.

    Comment by Breakup Girl — March 10, 2008 @ 9:33 am

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  4. First of all, how old are the women that are writing in? Secondly, thank God we never had a feminist movement…Oh wait…we did.

    How long are women going to pine over the men who have hurt them, betrayed them, left them for emotional dead, lied to them, insulted them…shall I go on? Have some pride people! Sure, I’ve been hurt before and I’ve been dumped, and I’ve dated the guy that was no good for me. But I learned, moved on, and thanked my lucky stars that the loser is no longer in my life…

    Get over it sooner rather than later. The pity party gets old.

    Comment by Wonder Woman — April 29, 2008 @ 4:17 pm

  5. Hey Breakup Girl,

    So my first love of almost 2 years broke up with me about a week ago. During the relationship, there were moments where I would not act myself. I’m usually a happy, out-going fun girl who loves life (the girl my ex fell for). But the girl that came out when dating my ex sometimes was angry and anti-social. Now he is very social and very happy. I’ve thought and thought and thought some more and now (although it’s been a week) I think I found myself again. I’ve been hanging out with old friends I lost contact with while dating the ex. and i’ve been very active; running and biking lots.

    We saw eachother twice in the past week, not for very long and then I called him to chat this morning (because I deffinately do not want to lose his friendship). He told me that the past week has sucked so much for him but in the long run it’s for the best. All I can do is agree although I think total opposite.

    One great thing is I feel relieved in that the burden of that scary person is gone… But im not actually “happy”. I don’t know if I need more time but my ex was a huge part of me. His spirit and personality is what I love and makes me happy. He is really special. I don’t know how to get over him… Or get him back. I don’t know what to do. :(

    Thank you for reading this! :)

    Comment by Guess Who — May 11, 2008 @ 11:32 pm

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