Home
Advice

Comics

Animation

Goodies

Big To Do
MORE...
About Us

Archive
“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

May 21, 2010

My friend’s boyfriend is a jerk!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:06 am

Getting involved on March 30, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my situation. One of my friends is seeing this guy who I think is a really big jerk. In fact, I think he is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. Here’s a little sampling of his behavior: He constantly accuses her of having affairs with other people, even when he must know it isn’t true. He is always grilling her about her activities, trying to insinuate that she is doing something wrong — meanwhile, he can do anything he wants, including seeing his ex-girlfriend for a few drinks if he wants to. He insults her about her appearance, calls her in the middle of the night to check on her, tells her all of her friends are stupid and unworthy of hanging out with him, etc., etc. He has also had temper tantrums where he has thrown things at her, ripped up her photographs … you get the idea. I know that this is classic abusive behavior, and that the next step could be physical violence. I don’t know if it is going to go that far.

The sad thing is, my friend realizes that he has all of these problems, but she just doesn’t take any action. She rationalizes it by saying that when he acts like a jerk she “calls him on it” and he apologizes. But he continues. I also know that she is watering down the things that she tells me sometimes because she knows that I think he is a loser and that she needs to get away from him. I have tried to be a listener when she comes to me to vent about his most recent tantrum, but it is getting hard for me to take it anymore. Even when we go as far as listing the pros and cons of the relationship (I’m trying hard to be neutral, but I am not very convincing) she admits that the cons far outweigh the pros, and again, does nothing.

Here’s the clincher: she is 28 and she lost her virginity to this guy. I know she is reluctant to let go of him because this has been her first serious boyfriend and because of the loss of the big V. I know these are big factors, but I have never confronted her with them, because I don’t want to be hurtful.

At the beginning of the relationship (about five months ago) I just told her to dump him. Then I didn’t bother to say anything because I thought it was redundant and it was just hurting our friendship. I was convinced she would soon come to her senses. Now I try to gently convince her that he is harming her emotionally, but nothing seems to work. (Some of her other friends and I joke around about having an “intervention” but we are all worried.) So far he hasn’t hurt her physically, but he is obviously hurting her in a lot of other ways. What’s a friend to do?

— A Friend in Need

Dear In Need,

You are a friend, indeed. Sometimes “My friend’s boyfriend is a jerk!” is just the first part of a sentence that silently continues: “…because he asked her out instead of me!” But when the Friend Committee as a whole is mentioning an “intervention” — and a representative bothers to write to Breakup Girl about it — I’d say there’s genuine cause for concern. You’re absolutely right: this gentleman is clearly following all of the basic guidelines in “Emotional Abuse for Dummies” (which, though indeed a known precursor to physical abuse, is lousy and serious enough on its own) — and your friend does have an acute case of “I Know, But.”

Still, he is not a monster; she is not a loser. Yo: judge not, lest we be judged. Their impulses and actions are just extreme — and, yes, more dangerous — versions of feelings we’ve all felt, deeds we’ve all contemplated. Hey, everybody: look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never been so afraid of losing someone — anyone — that you’ve tried to inflate the good and ignore the bad. Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never been so afraid of losing someone — anyone — that you’ve wished you could know, maybe even remote-control, what they’re doing every moment.

So this situation requires compassion (which you clearly have), along with some laissez-faire urgency. I say “laissez-faire” because as maddening as this is, you can’t tell her what to do. Why? Because he is already doing that. Any steps she takes away from him will come when she starts to think to herself, “Hold the phone! I am fierce. And my friends rock.”

And that, gentle writer (and readers!) is where you do come in. Quick anecdote: once, while wearing her “PRESS” hat, Breakup Girl interviewed a young woman in California who’d finally shored up the chutzpah to dump a guy who jerked her around, figuratively and literally. What made her wake up and get out?The fact that her friends stuck by her, included her in their plans, and constantly reminded her — even without saying it outright — that she mattered.

So tell her why you’re concerned, tell her that it’s the last time you’re going to lecture her about why you’re concerned, tell her that you will be there for her no matter what, and tell her that she better get her shoes on because you’re going to see Grease.

Got it?

Okay. All of this said, Breakup Girl is just a superhero, not a trained psychologist. For more information and support (everyone get out your pencils/bookmarks; you know who you are…and see? you are not weird — you have no idea how many letters Breakup Girl gets that sound like this one), call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

You know, “friend” can get to be a dirty word around here at BG HQ. But in this case, it’s next to goddess-liness. Everyone should thank you for writing.

Love,
Breakup Girl

5 Comments »

  1. hoverboard new laws legal

    Comment by hoverboard new laws legal — May 20, 2016 @ 10:05 am

  2. hoverboard battery hack

    Comment by hoverboard battery specs — May 20, 2016 @ 10:10 am

  3. hoverboard real o falso yahoo

    Comment by hoverboard real o falso yahoo — May 20, 2016 @ 10:21 am

  4. Fantastic goods from you, man. Ive study your stuff ahead of and youre just as well amazing. I enjoy what youve got right here, adore what youre stating and the way you say it. You make it entertaining and you even now manage to help keep it wise. I cant wait to go through additional from you. That is really an incredible weblog.

    Comment by geekvape avocado rta — May 20, 2016 @ 10:32 am

  5. Thanks intended for delivering these sort of great written content

    Comment by where to buy cheap csgo keys — May 20, 2016 @ 10:34 am

  6. Extremely individual friendly website. Huge info readily available on couple of clicks

    Comment by how much for 2k16 — May 20, 2016 @ 10:34 am

  7. Wow, attractive site. Thnx ..

    Comment by cheap cs go items — May 20, 2016 @ 10:34 am

  8. I morning so ecstatic this web-based thing works including your article in fact helped everybody. Might take on you high on that residential advice most people

    Comment by tiffany blue nike free run — May 20, 2016 @ 10:43 am

  9. I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your website? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?
    gafas ray ban wayfarer mercadolibre http://www.deltagreen.es/es.php?es-11421_gafas-ray-ban-wayfarer-mercadolibre.html

    Comment by gafas ray ban wayfarer mercadolibre — May 20, 2016 @ 10:48 am

  10. herb tea. Make a breakfast of pancakes with honey and hot chocolate. Lunch might actually be an almond butter and dried cranberry sandwich, an apple

    Comment by sac louis vuitton pas cher — May 20, 2016 @ 10:58 am

  11. Breakup Girl » My friend’s boyfriend is a jerk!
    [url=http://www.g4k2109uy701220wdqvgga72eu1l6x9ds.org/]ukrjofcegw[/url]
    akrjofcegw
    krjofcegw http://www.g4k2109uy701220wdqvgga72eu1l6x9ds.org/

    Comment by krjofcegw — May 20, 2016 @ 11:18 am

  12. hoverboard black xs

    Comment by hoverboard black friday deals amazon — May 20, 2016 @ 11:30 am

  13. hoverboard crash test

    Comment by hoverboard crash christmas — May 20, 2016 @ 11:36 am

  14. hoverboard new york city law bptc

    Comment by hoverboard new york city law bptc — May 20, 2016 @ 11:44 am

  15. hoverboard cheat skate 3

    Comment by hoverboard 15 mph — May 20, 2016 @ 11:59 am

  16. I’d like to find out more? I’d care to find out some additional information.

    my blog … garcinia cambogia christina aguilera (Shavonne)

    Comment by Shavonne — May 20, 2016 @ 1:22 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.

[breakupgirl.net]

blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez

MORE COMICS...

Powered by WordPress