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October 1, 2010

Backseat confessions

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:19 am

Watching your mouth on April 20, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am almost 17 years old and my heart is breaking. I started seeing a guy about two months ago. We were friends for quite a while and we talked every night on the phone. One night, to my surprise, he asked me out. Of course I said yes. We decided to go out the upcoming weekend.

We ended up in the backseat making out pretty heavily. That was the first time that I had made out that heavily. I was in love. I remember saying”I love you,” and he said ” Katie, we just started going out.” I didn’t think much of it then. All of a sudden he said we had to go. On the way home he said he just wanted to be friends. It hurt so bad. He stopped calling me altogether and he talked about me to his friends. I am so hurt, it’s like he died or something. It’s been a while, but I still miss him so much. I just can’t understand. We shared everything together. These kind of things seem to happen to me a lot. I am not fat or ugly at all, but I just can’t understand what the hell I keep doing wrong. I need someone who I can talk to about these problems. Thank You!

— Katie

Ohhh, Katie.

I will tell you what happened if you promise not to take it as something you did WRONG. Okay, you probably will take it that way (because you’re human), but I will tell you anyway. It’s the “I love you” thing. Miss Katie, people freak out when they hear that after their first year together, never mind their first kiss. It was unusually early to say that, and this guy freaked out. But I can totally understand how it popped out of your mouth, because, well, look at what your mouth was doing for the first time. Your maiden voyage to the back seat is — for better or for worse — truly, deliciously, terrifyingly melodramatic in that way. But be careful. The feeling you felt in the back seat, while you may love it, is not love (unless your last name is Winslet, which is a different story). You’ll see.

Breakup Girl


  1. Yep, the first date is definately not the best time to say “I love you”.

    I don’t think I’d go so far as to say after the first year though. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit older. /shrug But, if I can’t find myself feeling something more than friendship after the 12 month mark then I’m never going to. I think you were just exagerating a bit, right BG?
    For me, relationship timeline is important. I’m not saying I have certain dates at which certain things happen. I’m saying that the relationship needs to pregress – more or less – on my timeline. I think quite possibly it’s a cancer male thing. And no, I don’t mean to imply that I have to get my way all the time. But yes, for the first kiss – I need to initiate. For the first intercourse – I need to initiate. Of course it’s perfectly acceptable for her to decline. I’m in no hurry. I like to get to know her a bit before physical intimacy is involved. It might take a while. For me though, agressiveness in a female is extremely unattractive

    Comment by Kelly (male) — October 1, 2010 @ 6:36 pm

  2. Kelly, I agreed with you up until the part where you said “the relationship needs to pregress – more or less – on my timeline. ” I could definitely understand if you were using it in subjective terms (which I think you did clarify by pointing out “I think quite possibly it’s a cancer male thing.”) However in terms of giving additional advice to Katie I’m not sure if I agree…

    Because the GUY does not ALWAYS have to make the first move in order for things to work out. Sometimes guys(a lot of times), especially at 17, can be very slow to understand things, so it’s perfectly fine for the girl to want to initiate things herself. HOWEVER, I definitely agree with both Breakup Girl and Kelly that there should be a presumable timeline for relationships. One of the downfalls for professing your love so early in the relationship is not only does it result in freaking out the other partner but it kind of takes away the “destination” part of meeting THE relationship goal: love…REAL love. You can’t reach the climax of the relationship, by saying those words, so early in the relaitonship because then where will you two GO, now that you’ve reached that peak in the relationship? It results in something thats, well, anti climatic.

    Personally being a huge advocate of “living in the moment,” I completely understand your desire to tell him how you feel right then and there, but living in the moment doesn’t mean you let all logical thoughts go down the drain and react soley based on your emotions. Take a second to breathe and focus on what’s really there behind the fog that feelings for another can bring that distorts your vision.

    And just like Breakup Girl said before, these feelings, no matter how strong they were, were not love. And I know that can be frusterating to hear because you know that it was more than “like” but there’s a lexical gap (lexical gap = absense of a word in a language) for that sort of feeling…something that the English language does not currently acquire… because it was more than “like” yet probably not yet powerful as love. Breakup Girl was completely right, its not your fault, its because our language kind of sucks as a language and still needs some work on plugging communication holes.

    I was THIS close to doing the same thing as you (telling someone that I loved them when in fact I did not because it was waay to early to tell), so you’re not alone..but don’t feel bad about it. You have advice from the amazingly intelligent Breakup Girl, an insightful random guy named Kelly, and (another random person) another same aged girl as you who understands exactly what you are going through–named Lani.

    You know so much more, from not just us but your own intelligence from the experience, than you did before and you’ll know what to do when the next one comes along :)

    Hope this helped!


    Comment by Lani — October 2, 2010 @ 9:34 pm

  3. Thank you both for your candid and thoughtful comments. I love you guys — er, well, you know what I mean. I will say, Kelly, that — for the record — I agree with Lani that while I understand that it is your preference, which is fine, it doesn’t (and I know you weren’t saying it does) across the board have to be the guy who initiates. I think a lot of wonderful couples wouldn’t exist today if that were the case, and a lot of gender norms would not have been pushed for the better. ( PS And yes, Kelly, I was definitely exaggerating for comic effect. :) ) Anyway, hope you both keep coming back and commenting!

    Comment by BG — October 3, 2010 @ 5:02 am

  4. on my own point of views well what you’ve done was not right. . .Why you let him have you on that very first night?I don’t know what your thinking but maybe you should know him first before anything else happens. Past is past, move on. Just remember that there’s a lot of fish in the sea, you can still have the gold one=)

    Comment by healy — October 5, 2010 @ 3:55 am

  5. First dates should always be a time to get to know a person more! When you rush into things so fast as you continue dating (someone else obviously )then that mean you and that person can only go further and further. Do not get as close to that line as you can. Find enjoyment and contentment in going on a simple fun date. Saying “I love you” soooo soon probable scared him away. Saying “I love you” to him is a HUGE commitment that he probably wasn’t ready for. The reason you probably felt that you “loved him” because of the hormones going on in your body during the makeout session. Look for love and contentment in yourself and in God. Don’t look for it in Buys. They will only leave you continually empty. Blessings!

    Comment by RAVEministires — October 13, 2010 @ 9:23 am

  6. He is so bad. Charge it to experience and learn from it. never allow anything like that to happen again. You take good care of yourself. He is just not that into you. Forget about him. You deserve someone better.

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