Home
Advice

Comics

Animation

Goodies

Big To Do
MORE...
About Us

Archive
“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

January 4, 2011

But what’s in it for me?

Filed under: Psychology — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:15 am

Even superheroes take like three weeks to get through the Sunday paper. So in case you missed it, or are still stuck on Automotive, here’s a nod to an interesting piece in the Times by Tara Parker-Pope. At a time of “sustainable”-chic, what — Parker-Pope asks, makes a relationship (in this case, marriage) last? It’s not just a toolbox containing “communication skills,” say. Actually, those things do help relationships endure, but they don’t — necessarily — make them “meaningful and satisfying.” As it turns out, “the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual.” (Emphasis added.) In other words, it is all about you.

Well, sort of. Let’s put it this way: it’s about finding someone who makes your life interesting — who inspires you to try new things, to shift and change in ways that please you.

Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.

/snip/

While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.

“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”

/snip/

Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.

I mean, even relationships that end, if they had some good to them — and come on, most do — you still get something, leave with something, carry something forward that enriches your life. Hobbies, interests, new perspectives, learning experiences. Like, from that one boyfriend, I got skiing, and art history. From another, bread-baking, and rage. I KID. (Just about the rage.)

What this also says to me: no one — no one! — should be made to feel bad or needy or girly or “desperate” or whatever for wanting to find love. We are social, seeking beings. We don’t want someone just to make us complete. We want someone to help make us, and our worlds, even bigger. And to do the same for that someone.

Bonus: Take Parker-Pope’s quiz to find out how much your relationship, past or present, “expands[/ed] your knowledge and makes[/made] you feel good about yourself.”

2 Comments »

  1. I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They’re really convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are very short for novices. Could you please extend them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.

    Comment by my blog — July 20, 2016 @ 4:49 am

  2. Terrific work! That is the type of info that should be shared around the internet. Shame on Google for now not positioning this submit higher! Come on over and seek advice from my site . Thanks =)

    Comment by medical insurance plans for college students — July 21, 2016 @ 5:39 am

  3. Greetings! Very helpful advice on this article! It is the little changes that make the biggest changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!

    Comment by affordable care act wiki — July 21, 2016 @ 6:34 am

  4. whoah this weblog is wonderful i like studying your articles. Keep up the great work! You recognize, a lot of individuals are searching around for this information, you could help them greatly.

    Comment by wikipedia affordable care act — July 21, 2016 @ 7:38 am

  5. I think you have noted some very interesting details , regards for the post.

    Comment by taweez for success — July 23, 2016 @ 10:32 am

  6. A lot of thanks for all of your effort on this site. My mother really loves engaging in investigation and it’s easy to see why. Most of us hear all regarding the compelling form you provide simple tips and tricks by means of your web blog and as well as foster contribution from other individuals on the issue so my daughter is really understanding a whole lot. Have fun with the remaining portion of the year. You are always performing a fantastic job.

    Comment by kala jadoo — July 23, 2016 @ 1:09 pm

  7. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

    Comment by kala jadoo — July 23, 2016 @ 1:54 pm

  8. Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to assert that I get actually enjoyed account your blog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

    Comment by kala jadoo — July 23, 2016 @ 2:58 pm

  9. I real glad to find this site on bing, just what I was looking for : D as well bookmarked.

    Comment by amil baba — July 23, 2016 @ 6:17 pm

  10. Hey, you used to write great, but the last several posts have been kinda boringK I miss your great writings. Past few posts are just a little out of track! come on!

    Comment by amil baba — July 23, 2016 @ 7:23 pm

  11. Saved as a favorite, I really like your blog!

    Comment by amil baba — July 23, 2016 @ 7:50 pm

  12. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your site. It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a designer to create your theme? Excellent work!

    Comment by amil baba — July 23, 2016 @ 8:17 pm

  13. I am often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has really peaks my interest. I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new information.

    Comment by visit — July 23, 2016 @ 11:15 pm

  14. I reckon something truly interesting about your weblog so I saved to fav.

    Comment by ivc claims — July 24, 2016 @ 1:09 am

  15. Hi, just required you to know I he added your site to my Google bookmarks due to your layout. But seriously, I believe your internet site has 1 in the freshest theme I??ve came across. It extremely helps make reading your blog significantly easier.

    Comment by ivc filter lawsuit settlements — July 24, 2016 @ 1:37 am

  16. I’ve been browsing on-line greater than 3 hours these days, but I by no means found any interesting article like yours. It¦s beautiful value enough for me. In my view, if all web owners and bloggers made just right content material as you probably did, the internet can be much more helpful than ever before.

    Comment by Timhome.vn — July 24, 2016 @ 4:55 am

  17. I appreciate, cause I found just what I was looking for. You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

    Comment by Timhome.vn — July 24, 2016 @ 7:03 am

  18. I was very pleased to find this web-site.I wanted to thanks for your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.

    Comment by https://timhome.vn/ — July 24, 2016 @ 7:35 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.

[breakupgirl.net]

blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez

MORE COMICS...

Powered by WordPress