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January 28, 2011

Before he cheats

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:09 am

Guilty in absentia on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)

— Damp Shoulder

Dear Shoulder,

OOOOhhh, yes it is. Don’t you dare put that key in that lock unless/until you have proof. Which, I know, will be hard to obtain. Of course she suspects he’s shagging (Queen’s English) that multi-talented young woman — your friend’s mind has sought and found what is, in a twisted way, a more satisfying explanation for not calling than plain old Losing Interest. And actually, he may well be having an affair. But how lame would it be if she instructed you to smear all of his knickers with vegemite, only to find that the real reason he hadn’t called was that he has spent a full week shopping for a one-of-a-kind engagement ring on a remote Tasmanian reef with no telephone?

If you do manage to uncover proof, well then yes, we could have some good clean fun with this one. So as not to tempt you unduly, I will stop short of making actual suggestions and say only this: it would have to be some sort of own-medicine/own-grave type of thing where your friend only plants a seed and then watches Othello/Lothario drive himself mad.

One more major warning: if your friend is Bridget Jones, she should do nothing. Whatever it is will backfire.

Breakup Girl


  1. IF that was me, I would just dumped his sorry butt. There is phone is all over the world. He’s not in a remote place that he can’t call. If he REALLY liked her, he would make the effort some how. collect call, email, text. LAME! She is pining for someone who doesn’t terrible care for her at all. And how does friend have key to besties boyfriends apartment in the first place, I would be curious…..to see how it all pans out after said week.

    Comment by Karen Hiebert — January 28, 2011 @ 10:26 am

  2. Hi Karen! I do agree that there’s little excuse; I’m just saying she should wait ’til she has proof before taking any dramatic or potentially regrettable action. Also, it should be noted that this letter is part of our Reposting Classic Letters Series. So it’s from 1998. Ancient history, technologically speaking. My God, were there even touch-tone phones then?! Who remembers? We have NO IDEA BECAUSE WE COULDN’T EVEN HAVE TWEETED ABOUT IT!!!

    Comment by Breakup Girl — January 28, 2011 @ 11:15 am

  3. wish you could follow ups more about what happened to the letters that were written about this time;.

    Comment by Karen Hiebert — January 28, 2011 @ 12:55 pm

  4. I do too!!! Though actually, in some epic cases, people did write back and update me. If you search for “Brad” or “loftbuilder” you’ll find some great examples, slash, sagas!

    Comment by BG — January 28, 2011 @ 1:00 pm

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