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March 17, 2011

His cross-dressing to bear

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:07 am

Clothes make the man on June 1, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ll keep this brief…or should I say bikini? I have been married for almost nine years and have two wonderful children with my husband. [Two years ago] I found out through a snoopfest that my husband is a transvestite…and has been acting out his behavior for 25 years. It floored me and freaked me out. I had the usual questions such as: did I do this to him? Is he gay? Has he been wearing my stuff? We have remained married thought I have offered separation and divorce twice since learning of his fetish. We have not had sex in two years and it is getting hard to resist the urge to find someone else to have a relationship with. He says he can control it and won’t do it anymore … I doubt him. Our sex life prior to the discovery was infrequent at best…i.e. three to four times a year. He has since explained that this is because his fetish is such a sexual stimulant to for him. I love him for the person he is…but can’t yet accept the fetish and fear I am going to “die on the vine.” How long should I wait to possibly feel something for him again? Should I leave him and give myself credit for trying for the last two years …I am not in love with him or even attracted to him anymore…or is it my problem and I should live with it?

— WonderWear

Dear WonderWear,

Over to you, super-psychotherapist Belleruth! She says: “Seems to me the biggest issue isn’t even the funky behavior; it’s the betrayal of trust — keeping that secret — and the sense of disorientation and upset at thinking you know someone and finding out you don’t altogether. It disturbs confidence and sense of self; you feel undone. His being a transvestite doesn’t mean he’s a lousy husband, though, and it doesn’t even make him less hetero. Hell, you could loosen up — if you feel comfortable — dress him in your nightie and wear a leather motorcycle jacket.Things could get interesting. In any case, I’d recommend couples counseling before you hit the road … unless you’re looking for an excuse for finding a new partner … and that’s a different story altogether.”

Breakup Girl (and BR)


  1. […] Source: http://www.breakupgirl.net/?p=5751 […]

    Pingback by His cross-dressing to bear — March 17, 2011 @ 12:00 pm

  2. Dear Wonder Wear
    My thought is you have serious concerns and rightly so. 1. You say before you found him out you two had sex only 3-4 times a year – that’s major problem #1. 2. If he is so fixated on his fetish (as not able ot get turned on rarely without it) that is also a problem that has to do with being unable to have have real intimacy. All the sexual energy is turned on to an object rather than you or both of you sharing.intimacy and closeness. He may have real intimacy issues? 3. 25 years is a very long time and not that habits can’t be broken but it’s already deeply ingrained. And the emotional reasons behind his fetish are also deeply ingrained.
    4. You had to snoop to find out – again lack of honesty on both ends. 5. It sounds like there is a lot of guilty feelings on both sides: he most likely felt deep guilt hiding his behavior from you as well as the behavior itself. And you didn’t feel comfortable speaking your concerns to each other.I could imagine it is painful to be married to some one who only desired you 3-4 times a year. It is wonderful you value him as a person, I don’t sense a real connection not that I can tell however, how do you two communicate otherwise? I think there are layers of issues that the above response seems really superficial to. Perhaps individual as well as couples therapy so whatever decisions you both come to you are both strong.

    Comment by sophia — March 22, 2011 @ 12:28 am

  3. Sophia — Those are all good points. I think the core message in both of our responses is the same: it’s not the cross-dressing that’s the problem. Thanks for your comments, and please keep visiting!

    Comment by BG — March 22, 2011 @ 4:53 am

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