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“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

April 19, 2011

Didn’t get the memo

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:49 am

The ex returns on June 22, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know where to start. I started seeing this guy last fall. We liked the same things, and had fun when we went out. Things were good. Everyone at work saw us as a couple … and we were!! Okay, I knew there was an EX-GIRLFRIEND — and that he was still in contact with her. (I just did not know that they were in C-O-N-T-A-C-T.) Anyway, he brought her to our work the other day — like it was nothing. Like we had not been seeing each other since last October. They were holding hands and looking like the normal couple. I was crushed! He basically said, “We are back together” — nothing else!

I know that he is in the wrong, but why do I feel like it was my fault? My fault for not seeing any kind of sign. My fault for believing this guy was for real. My fault for falling for such an idiot. I know that it is not, but it sure feels like it.

How do I begin to repair this? My self-esteem, my pride, my dignity? How do I recognize the signs of a jerk before something like this happens? I just wish people had some sort of tattoo or something on them, so you could see whom they were right for, and therefore stop wasting time with STUPID people!! I need a Loser 12-Step Program. I need to stop the madness.

— Whatever

Dear Whatever,

Okay, you guys think Breakup Girl is smart, right? Okay, and you know how the book The Bridges of Madison County starts with some sort of prologue about how it’s all a true story? Well, Breakup GirlĀ believed it throughout her entire reading of the book (~12 minutes). My point: deceivers, manipulators, Robert James Wallers — they’re good (in a sense) at what they do.ThatĀ is what they do. Any “signs” may, indeed, have been well-concealed.

Especially because there may not have been any signs at all. You may have had a healthy still-have-our-own-space vibe where you don’t know or ask where the other is all the time. This thing, on his part, may have been lightning-strike (in the same place) sudden; thus, no lipstick on the collar, no funny phone bills, no other deathwish-careless clues.

Plus, I totally thought you were going to say that this kind of thing keeps happening to you. In which case, Houston, we’d have a problem. But the worst part of this whole thing, I dare say, is not that it happened again, but that it happened…at your office. Where everyone, who’d seen you as a couple, saw them as a couple. Literally.Yeowch. As open-minded as I’ve tried to be about went on with this guy in private, NOTHING in the Breakup Girl bylaws can excuse that royally tacky laissez-faire breakup workplace debut. Which, yeah, made you look dumb. And that, Whatever, is what’s bugging you most. And the only way to fix it is to hold your head high and get back to W-O-R-K.

Breakup Girl


  1. beware with this kind of happy go lucky guy, yet don’t waste your time thinking why things happened that way, they don’t deserve it, never mind the damages it cost, it leaves you a lesson to learn

    Comment by Torque Wrench — April 19, 2011 @ 10:34 pm

  2. I have been with an on/off again cheater for the past two years. What is ‘funny’ is that he tries to justify why it was okay to seek out other women while he and I were together. We are both in our 40’s, he has 3 children (I have no kids) and are living together. Yet, he will still try to meet up with a woman (he claims are just friends, but he couldn’t tell me about it) while I was out of town on business travel.

    He claims he has been faithful to me for the past 8 months (we have been dating for 2 years). We have gone to counseling and he has volunteered to open up his email and cell phone to me so long as he is there with me to see it.

    Am I crazy to even contemplate staying? My heart, stomach, head hurts… I feel like I’m sucked in and can’t get out! Do I run? Do I stay and try to make it work AGAIN…??
    Pathetic in MN….

    Comment by ASK — April 21, 2011 @ 2:05 pm

  3. ASK,
    i can’t really answer questions in full in the comment area here, but i wlll say briefly that if you really want to stay, go ahead, but this dynamic will likely not change. don’t wish for it to and then get upset when it doesn’t. you might be a lot happier with someone who doesn’t make you so nuts, who doesn’t need to offer to let you see his phone records because cheating / trust isn’t an issue in the first place. it may be hard for you to imagine, but he’s out there. good luck to you —
    love, bg

    Comment by BG — April 24, 2011 @ 10:37 pm

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