Wandering eyes on June 22, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I’m 20 years old and have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I know in my heart that we’re in love. My problem is that I’m not as attracted to her body. She’s overweight and my looking at other girls is distracting my focus on our relationship. She knows how I feel and I feel guilty because of this. I have a strong urge to experience the girls I’m attracted to, and not just physically. I don’t like flings. I don’t want to break up for such a superficial reason, but it is increasingly frustrating. How should I deal with this? Sometimes I feel too selfish, and other times I feel too selfless. I care about both our needs strongly.
I’ve said it before: Ever since the waning of the Rubenesque glory days, men and women have been conditioned to not be attracted to plumpitude. Some overcome the conditioning, some don’t. But now’s not the time to get all preachy about that, because my hunch here is that it’s not the problem. You say you have an urge to “experience” other girls, and not just physically. Dare I say you’re just going through vanilla, garden-variety, general-purpose Loss of Interest, and — for lack of a satisfying reason — you’ve chosen her weight to explain “why.” If she weren’t overweight, it would probably be something else. You’re pretty young, still. There will always be something — a habit, a trait, what have you — that you don’t fully adore about your partner, but when you find the right one, it won’t be a deal-breaker. Anyway, if you do choose to break up, please tell her — if this is true — that you realized it’s not about the weight. You may not be able to completely convince her, but at least make the effort. Good luck.