Big To Do
About Us

“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

July 8, 2011

Can we make it as a married couple?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:46 am

idoordoiA long one from June 29, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met my fiance two years ago on the internet. I was sort of involved/on my way out of the relationship door when I met him and I explained that I would need some time to get over bad boyfriend before trying to date, have a relationship, etc. This worked fairly well since we lived across the country from one another anyway.

As my bad breakup wounds healed, my fiance and I became more involved (we were already more than friends despite my best intentions to keep it buddy/buddy only during the healing process). Oops. We became a couple, and later in the year, we started talking marriage. I felt it was too soon and bailed on the idea — Ye Olde Romantic Boy decided to go forward anyway and surprised me with the ring after Christmas. I said “yes” despite not being 100% sure, though my confidence that it was the right decision grew daily. We started living together over a year ago, and much to the surprise of my solo-time-lovin’ self, we make great roommates.

My fiance is unlike anyone I have ever dated. I am used to angsty, arty, intense boys. My fiance is mellow and sweet and stable. And extremely marriage and family oriented. The only thing that really gets his occasionally self-righteous knickers in a twist is his raging jealousy. Because he is so different from anyone else I have ever dated or been interested in, my love for him came as kind of a shock to me. And as I fell happier, healthier and more optimistic than I have in other relationships, the difference between my fiance and others I have dated sometimes disturbs me. I really love him — I am just wondering if it’s enough. Sometimes it feels like being rich and depressed at the same time — “Oh, filet mignon again? Sigh.”

When I meet men who are more like people I have dated in the past — guys who just “get” my dark humor, men who have more similar interests in music, movies, books, etc. — I can’t help but feel attracted — I crave the newness and the sparks — and wonder if I am doing the right thing with my fiance.

This actually led to some kissing-cheating on my part — which my fiance found out about and almost left me for. He admitted later that he “slipped up,” too, early in our relationship, and he apologized for acting so self-righteous and hypocritical about my little fling — he said he got incredibly jealous about my friendships with men, etc. because he knew, now, how easy it can be to say “she’ll never know.” Ever since then, part of me felt like my slipup was saying to my heart: perhaps I am not ready. My fiance is trying to move ahead and work on making us stronger, but something is still telling me I have some work to do before I am somebody’s wife.

So, I postponed the wedding, much to my boy’s disappointment and sort-of anger. He won’t wait around for me forever, I know, and feels like my unreadiness is a sign that I don’t love him. He is leaving the wedding decisions up to me from now on because he doesn’t want to set another date and put off the planning “just to be disappointed again.”

Basically, my question is this: can two very different people who love each other very much — people who don’t always know where the other is coming from but who talk as openly and honestly as they possibly can — make it as a married couple? I love my fiance and the thought of life without him is pretty grim. He has so much of what I feel I need, but not always all that I want. I know there’s no such thing as perfect, but I feel like those other boys wouldn’t turn my head so sharply if I wasn’t so worried about doing the right thing in my current relationship. Is this something that will come to mean less over the years? I sometimes feel like I need to dunk my cold feet in some warm water.

I really want to make this work — if it’s the right thing for me.

–Almost Too Tired to Sigh

Dear Sigh,

Here’s that warm water you wanted. Don’t get too excited — I’m not going to go so far as to say “marry the dude” or “don’t…” but I will make you feel like less of a freak about having cold feet in the first place. Which should help you figure out what steps those feet should take.

I don’t really understand at what point the relationship went from virtual to actual, or how you went from “across the country” to “more involved.” But — and don’t worry, I’m trying to help, not berate — I do have a hunch that you said “yes” too soon. Not in some absolute, objective time measurement, but you said it yourself: you were not sure. And everything since then — every moment of doubt, every blink of your roving eye, even one “slipup” — is now shown at 10,000 times actual size. (You’re onto this when you say that “other boys wouldn’t turn my head so sharply I wasn’t so worried about doing the right thing in my current relationship.”)

I have married friends whose heads get turned all the time — and even who miss the “newness and sparks” — but they don’t worry their heads over it one bit because they are 100% sure about their actual relationship. In healthy relationships, these blips are nothing, a reflex, part of being human, part of the deal of <gasp> permanent monogamy. Also, in your case, of course you miss the “newness,” because in a sense you never had it — at least not the kind you’re used to, not the kind you’ve stored and savored in the past. That is: the whole thing started online, right?. I am not dissing cyberromance as a pursuit. But let’s be honest here. In your memory, the “newness and sparks” phase is going to sound something like, “Oh, I remember that time when we first started dating, I was sitting at my computer. Oh, and there was that time early on when I was … sitting at my computer.”

I am impressed with the thoughtful analysis you’ve already done; I’m impressed that you two moved so smoothly from sharing a chat room to sharing a bathroom. About his being so jealous and self-righteous, I am a little nervous. About his being so different from the others, not so much. Worst case, you got a little too comfortable with him as Safe Sturdy Reboundy Port in a Storm, and just never left; but you sense that won’t carry the day — or the rest of your life — so voila, you’re antsy. Best case goes something like that of my friend Shannon, who was dating all sorts of Wily Band Boys while Steadfast Friend Boy loved her all along. “I don’t know if I’m done having exciting, annoying adventures,” she told another friend one day. Who responded, “Well, sometimes you have to grow up a little and decide what’s really important.”And reader, she married him. Steadfast Friend Boy. She adores SFB both calmly and passionately. AND Shannon is one of those married friends who looks around. Just looks, admires. AND actually enjoys hearing about her friends’ escapades, because, ruefully, she misses them a little.*And doesn’t worry about any of this one bit .

This couple also fits the description you present in your question about whether two different-but-open people can make a marriage work. Which is because this describes, like, 90% of all marriages. So the answer is yes.

So, listen. It is not weird or alarming that you have doubts. It is useful. Quit worrying about the fact that you have them, or why, and just listen to them. Take out your Life-at-a-Glance and set a date for setting a date. Give yourself some time. The whole relationship hasn’t been that long — as you see from some of the other letters here — and, though this may be small comfort, he isn’t going to wait forever. Meaning that he can go whenever he wants. Meaning that you’re not, like, keeping him hostage against his will while you sort stuff out. If you just can’t bring yourself to do the deed — and I mean, next year, not next week — well, that’s useful data, too. Ponder all this while savoring a filet mignon and a nice warm foot soak. Sigh.

Breakup Girl

*Hint for married friends: this is the welcome opposite of saying “Wow, I don’t even REMEMBER what it was LIKE to date.”

1 Comment »

  1. Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on blogs
    I stumbleupon on a daily basis. It’s always interesting to read content from other authors and use something from their web sites.

    Comment by Gracie — August 2, 2017 @ 12:45 am

  2. Hi! I’ve been following your blog for a while now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out
    from Dallas Texas! Just wanted to say keep up the fantastic job!

    Comment by www.youtube.com — August 2, 2017 @ 9:13 pm

  3. Aw, this was an extremely good post. Taking
    the time and actual effort to create a really good article… but what can I say… I put things
    off a lot and don’t manage to get anything done.

    Comment by Marcelo — August 3, 2017 @ 2:27 am

  4. I am no longer sure where you’re getting your information, however good topic.
    I must spend a while finding out much more or
    understanding more. Thanks for fantastic info
    I was looking for this info for my mission.

    Comment by Nannie — August 3, 2017 @ 9:16 am

  5. Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I am impressed!
    Very helpful information specially the last part
    :) I care for such info a lot. I was looking for this particular info for a very long time.
    Thank you and good luck.

    Comment by James Frazer Mann — August 15, 2017 @ 2:36 pm

  6. Hi, just wanted to tell you, I liked this post. It was practical.
    Keep on posting!

    Comment by jose wilame araujo rodrigues — August 17, 2017 @ 4:58 pm

  7. My brother suggested I would possibly like this web site.
    He used to be entirely right. This submit actually made my day.
    You can not believe simply how much time I had spent for this
    info! Thank you!

    Comment by Mammie — August 18, 2017 @ 1:34 am

  8. It is appropriate time to make some plans for the
    future and it is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I
    want to suggest you some interesting things or advice.
    Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article.
    I want to read even more things about it!

    Comment by cara cepat hamil pasca kuret — August 23, 2017 @ 1:26 am

  9. I got this website from my friend who informed me on the topic of this website and now this time I
    am visiting this website and reading very informative articles or reviews at this time.

    Comment by cara posisi untuk cepat hamil — August 23, 2017 @ 8:36 am

  10. Hi there i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere,
    when i read this article i thought i could also make
    comment due to this good article.

    Comment by Silvia Odete Morani Massad — August 24, 2017 @ 12:58 pm

  11. Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this article is amazing,
    great written and come with almost all significant
    infos. I’d like to see more posts like this .

    Comment by augusto de arruda botelho — August 24, 2017 @ 8:34 pm

  12. Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google,
    and found that it is really informative. I’m gonna watch out for brussels.
    I will be grateful if you continue this in future.
    Many people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

    Comment by Elwood — August 24, 2017 @ 9:03 pm

  13. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find
    this matter to be really something that I think I would never
    understand. It seems too complex and very broad for
    me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of

    Comment by augusto de arruda botelho — August 25, 2017 @ 5:10 am

  14. Fantastic site. Plenty of helpful info here. I am sending it to
    some friends ans also sharing in delicious.
    And of course, thanks to your effort!

    Comment by augusto de arruda botelho — August 25, 2017 @ 5:12 am

  15. Hello! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a collection of volunteers and
    starting a new project in a community in the same niche.
    Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done
    a outstanding job!

    Comment by augusto de arruda botelho — August 27, 2017 @ 11:39 pm

  16. Why people still make use of to read news papers when in this technological globe everything is
    available on web?

    Comment by Lelio Vieira Carneiro Junior — August 31, 2017 @ 6:20 pm

  17. I am curious to find out what blog system you have been working with?
    I’m experiencing some small security problems with my latest site and I’d like to find something
    more risk-free. Do you have any suggestions?

    Comment by interest problems — September 10, 2017 @ 1:25 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.


blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez


Powered by WordPress