Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-settings.php on line 512

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-settings.php on line 527

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-settings.php on line 534

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-settings.php on line 570

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Page::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1199

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_PageDropdown::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1244

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Category::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1391

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_CategoryDropdown::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/classes.php on line 1442

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class wpdb in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/wp-db.php on line 306

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/cache.php on line 103

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Object_Cache in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/cache.php on line 431

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/query.php on line 61

Deprecated: Assigning the return value of new by reference is deprecated in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/theme.php on line 1109

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::start_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::end_lvl() should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::start_el() should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Declaration of Walker_Comment::end_el() should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1266

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Dependencies in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/class.wp-dependencies.php on line 31

Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class WP_Http in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-includes/http.php on line 61
Breakup Girl » Going the extra 5%
Home
Advice

Comics

Animation

Goodies

Big To Do
MORE...
About Us

Archive
“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

July 25, 2011

Going the extra 5%

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 1:42 pm

The Predicament of the Week from July 20, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I love your column and enjoy browsing your advice. Now I’m in need of some myself.

Boy of My Dreams (BOMD) dumped me last week. Here’s the history. We’ve been together 10 months. Happy, happy, on both sides. We did well at overcoming the inevitable relationship obstacles and enjoyed the time we had together. About two months ago, a betrayal of trust occurred…but it wasn’t what you might think. BOMD lied to me, and I caught him at it. It was a whopper, but really, no serious harm occurred, except to the trust between us. I took some time away for a few days and reevaluated. I decided the relationship was worth it to me. What I didn’t do was forgive him, address why this betrayal occurred, and move on. Another month later, I was still holding this incident against him. BOMD’s frustration with this state of affairs caused him to break up with me. I panicked, realized I hadn’t done my part to get on with things, and convinced him to give it another chance. Which we both wholeheartedly did. So over the last month of the relationship, I did forgive him, I did think about why it happened, and made great efforts to improve our relationship. It worked like a charm. It was easy. We were happy and enjoying each other’s company, and life was good. BOMD admits he was as happy in our relationship as I was.

Here’s the clinker. After a fun evening out with friends, I coyly asked BOMD to come stay at my house…and kind of had to talk him into it. The next morning, I said “You know, it isn’t the end of the world, but my feelings were a little hurt that you wouldn’t want to end such a fun evening with me. But this relationship isn’t a prison — if you need to be away then I’m glad you were honest about it.” Then it all came out.

BOMD broke up with me. The main thing he had to say was that he’s happy 95% of the way, but he doesn’t see that last 5%. He knows I want to work towards a committed relationship eventually, and he doesn’t think he wants that with me, if with anyone ever. He feels he owes it to me to let me go. He says he loves me. Our sex life is beyond the beyond. We enjoy the same things. Everything was peachy. But he just isn’t sure.

Breakup Girl, I love this guy. I know it hurt him to even say these things to me. He’s very sweet, sensitive, and caring. We’re not talking about some guy jerking me around here. I’m nobody’s doormat. And I love him enough to to understand that if he truly doesn’t love me “that way” then I do need to let him go, for both our sakes. But right now, I still want to hang on.

When I ask him what’s missing, he says sometimes he’s just not comfortable. It isn’t me, at all. He loves me. He just doesn’t know what the future holds and doesn’t want to hold me back. All I can think is: garden-variety-committment-phobic with a touch of just-about-30-and-doing-huge-self-assessment. And I’m part of the fallout. I understand he needs to think about his life and possibly make a change, but I think this may be the wrong one. He’s giving up a lot. He admits he is, and he admits he’s scared about it.

You might want to know that I’ve never demanded a long-term committment of him. He knows I want that EVENTUALLY though, so he feels like he needs to be honest and tell me he’s not heading in that direction, or at least not with me.

I feel like — sheesh, we’ve got 95% going here. We could actually hit that rare true love thing. IT’s what we both want. It’s only been 10 months. We’ve done so well together, he admits it. I want to give things another try.

So here is where I’m at: I’m giving him all the space he needs. I’m waiting him to call and come to me…which he is doing. I’m treating him with kindness, but not stepping over the boundaries (i.e. not trying to trap him with great sex) that he needs right now. I’m being totally honest with him — telling him I want him to think about this decision and that the door to our relationship is still open as far as I’m concerned. I’m encouraging him to talk to his friends, his mom (who he has a great relationship with) whoever he needs to get some perspective. He wants to do all this, and he wants to talk to me about our relationship and what’s been bothering him.

My feelings for him are so strong, I love him so much, that I have to hold out hope right now, and I have to try. At the same time, I won’t be able to face total rejection forever. He won’t string me along. If it’s not working, I’ll know it. A few weeks of time will tell.

So my questions to you are: am I behaving desperately here? Ought I just swallow this bitter pill and consult your website for advice on how to get on with my life? (I’m definitely already going through the motions; what with the movies rented, books devoured, and stencilling project I’ve started in the hallway.) And if I’m not crazy and you think true love might still be in the cards for BOMD and I, how do I best proceed? Thanks ever so much.

– Forlorn


Dear Forlorn,

Desperately? HARDLY. Stencilling? Go, girl.

Here’s my only cautionary note. Everyone who has EVER been in BOYD’s position — of loving someone dearly, but not being able, for whatever¬†il/elle ne sait quoi reason, to go the extra 5% — is sitting here right now thinking, “Oh, my God, that’s exactly how I felt, exactly what I said when I was mixed up … yet, at the same time,¬†actually sure I was doing what I needed to do.” His sounds like a totally textbook case of “close, but no cigar.” He might be back, but I wouldn’t bank on it. Mainly because banking on it won’t bring him back. Which you already knew. (Unless you didn’t happen to mention that you’re stenciling his initials.) Still, REGARDLESS of whether true love might still be in the cards, you are making all the right moves on the right side of town. Which is why you go to be the P of the W. So while you’re at it — if it makes you feel any better — stencil your bad self onto some oaktag, cause you are now Breakup Girl’s poster child for How To Deal. Stay strong.

Love,
Breakup Girl

1 Comment »

  1. Dear Breakup girl,

    I’m wondering about the initial emails I recieve in response to my online dating profile and if I should respond to each email I receive. I feel like it’s the polite thing to do, but I get lots of emails from guys who I’m quite sure are only interested in a ‘hook up’. My profile is cute and informative, but nothing spectacular. I’m not a supermodel - just a slightly-larger-than average single mom who would like a relationship with a stable but fun guy in his late 30’s early 40’s who is ok with the fact that I have a kid.

    I’m nothing close to a cougar…. but roar.

    I get a significant # of emails (we are talking sometimes 10 a week)from guys in their 20’s who just say “hi” in the email. or “how are you?” or worse…. “want to hook up?”. That’s it. No indication that they even read my profile or have any incling of what type of guy I would be interested in. Clearly, it is not a serious email response.

    Do I reply to each of these gentleman? I don’t even feel like they sent me an actual email - more like an instant message (which I don’t have activated or I get invites to ’sex-chat’ which I don’t want to do).
    Also - I can see past age, so I’m not being narrow minded. But at some point there has to be the recognition that I am a 39 year old single mom who plays scrabble, takes trips to the carribean to scuba dive and just got my master’s degree. I find it hard to believe that a 26 year old with “some college” who’s profile isn’t even 10 words would really believe we have a future together. I know that came across as snobbish, but that’s how it was intended. I just believe you have to have some common ground in at least a couple areas in order for a relationship to work. If we are so far off in age, education and ability to describe ourselves…. why would I even begin to engage?

    So what should the email reply say? Please help me find the words to say that I am NOT a Cougar or a MILF.

    Thanks

    Comment by Brenna Michael — July 29, 2011 @ 3:28 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.


Strict Standards: Redefining already defined constructor for class sk2_plugin in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-content/plugins/SK2/sk2_plugin_class.php on line 45

Strict Standards: Declaration of sk2_captcha_plugin::output_plugin_UI() should be compatible with sk2_plugin::output_plugin_UI($output_dls = true) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-content/plugins/SK2/sk2_plugins/sk2_captcha_plugin.php on line 70

Strict Standards: Declaration of sk2_pjw_simpledigest::output_plugin_UI() should be compatible with sk2_plugin::output_plugin_UI($output_dls = true) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-content/plugins/SK2/sk2_plugins/sk2_pjw_daily_digest_plugin.php on line 277

Strict Standards: Declaration of sk2_rbl_plugin::treat_this() should be compatible with sk2_plugin::treat_this(&$cmt_object) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-content/plugins/SK2/sk2_plugins/sk2_rbl_plugin.php on line 342

Strict Standards: Declaration of sk2_referrer_check_plugin::output_plugin_UI() should be compatible with sk2_plugin::output_plugin_UI($output_dls = true) in /home/cdkalb/breakupgirl.net/blog/wp-content/plugins/SK2/sk2_plugins/sk2_referrer_check_plugin.php on line 78
[breakupgirl.net]

blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez

MORE COMICS...

Powered by WordPress