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August 5, 2011

Confessions of a floozie

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:30 am

Trying to upgrade on July 27, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being “all that” in the area of compassion, insight, humor, maturity and fun!

This question may be a little risque even for BG but i’m going to give it a shot because I got myself into one heck of a pickle and I need superhero insight right about now. Pleeese!

I met a guy one day who agreed to give me a ride home from work (my first day on the job) and he did. Now mind you, I at the time was just a few short months out of a 6 year marriage from hell and felt that I owed myself a little vacation from real life) and after a little conversation (very little) he and I eased quickly onto the topic of sex and went so far as to actually do it. No you didn’t miss anything, I had actually just met the guy (please don’t tell Breakup Mom. It’s was something had I been in a clearer, stronger more “myself” frame of mind I would never, ever have done), and BG it was so good that…well let’s just say I had no transportation problems for about a year after that. We started spending regular time together like at his place watching t.v. and me or him fixing us sandwiches and just normal things like that but other than a little conversation here and there about the ozone layer or something we didn’t really talk much and get to know each other. The whole time we were doing this I was realizing that if I had let nature takes its course with us in a normal working together situation that he and I could have had a very special platonic friendship.

A few months ago he broke it off with me when one of his relatives died (I had the floozie nerve to try to be there for him), a loss that he took incredibly hard and left me feeling like I’d lost: 1) a potentially good platonic friend, 2) the obvious loss of his company and 3) the loss of what “could have been” had I not just thrown it away on a one night stand that went into overtime.

Whenever we were not having sex he would tell me about how he wanted a life mate and that we wern’t BF/GF and he pretty much made it clear that I was not even a remote consideration. That hurt because I really liked him and believe it or not I could see that he really liked me too. Actually he told me so often. I felt that he lost complete and total respect for me as I pretty much did for myself. Just goes to show, a person should never take their mental state for granted when they’ve recently experienced a loss. Their actions could cost them more than just bus fare.

BG? Is there any way to restore respect after the line has been crossed sexually (after demonstrating a lack of self-respect on my part by not getting to know him first) and is there any way that I can make something positive out of this so-called “relationship” that never was?

— Avita


Dear Avita,

For one thing, I’m glad you guys talked about the ozone layer. Not enough people are, really.

Also, lucky for you, Breakup Mom is on vaca and off line, so she’ll know nothing until you’ve made everything all better by taking BG’s advice.

Which is: first of all, quit beating yourself up. Lack of self-respect? Oh, maybe. I think, at least initially, what you were demonstrating was a lack of … husband. Or, a steady supply of…rebound. Which, yeah, went into overtime.

Here, as you sense, is the real problem. The guys who wrote What Men Want — which, my trusty boy sources say, is ugly but accurate — state emphatically that a “good for now” girl can never be upgraded to “wife potential.” Eeuuwww, I know, but probably true. Sooo ….. something positive? You had a good time, you saved bus fare, you learned something about yourself and perhaps even about the fragility of the Earth’s atmosphere. Restore his respect? To the degree that it’s been lost, well, just be cool. Initiating some sort of overt Respect Restoration plan may backfire.

And other than that, you may just have to write this one off. Hey, Avita, you have enough friends. And not enough people — right now, anyway — who consider you a potential “life mate” (if that’s what you’re looking for again). Now that you’ve gotten the rebound out of the way, be choosier. That’s where the self-respect comes in/back.

Love,
Breakup Girl

2 Comments »

  1. The rebound is an important part of any breakup. Don’t worry to much about the loss of respect, nor do you need to feel you should restore it in his eyes. I am sure you learned a lot about yourself in that realationship regardless.
    As you said, you guys mostly were just comfortable and didn’t talk much. Do you think that you would have wanted to spend the rest of your life with him? No, I am sure deep down inside you knew it was not going to last.

    Comment by Sam Adams — August 5, 2011 @ 10:37 am

  2. I see a few flaws in Avita’s beliefs about what occurred. The following statements are based upon the assumption that the man she was involved with was a mature, decent individual.

    1. I don’t rule a woman out as wife potential just because she had sex with me (at whatever point). It would be hypocritical for me to act that way. I had sex with her, and I don’t consider myself to be unsuitable as a husband.

    2. When I have sex with a woman, it means she is at least “good for now.” I may still be evaluating her “wife potential.” Two years ago I had a fling with a woman because she was definitely “good for now.” A month later I decided she had wife potential and pursued a relationship accordingly.(She’s now my fiancée.)

    3. If I decide that a woman is NOT “wife potential,” I don’t lose respect for her just because of that decision. It just means I don’t think we’ll work well together.

    4. As Breakup Girl stated, if I decide a woman is NOT “wife potential,” that decision has been made. I’m not going to reconsider regardless of how many times we have sex.

    5. Since I’m ethical, I’ll let a woman know that I’m not interested in a long-term relationship before I continue having sex. If I suspect she might be developing stronger feelings for me, I will let her know repeatedly. I don’t want a woman to have sex with me because I misled her … or because I allowed her to mislead herself.

    6. If a “just for now” woman decides to have sex with me, I don’t lose respect for her. She’s making the same choice I am (the sex is enjoyable), and it would be hypocritcal for me to judge her for making that choice.

    7. If a woman decides to lose respect for herself (for having sex with me), that is HER decision. I probably won’t realize that it has happened. I also expect her to act in her own best interest. If the sex is damaging her self-esteem, I expect her to stop having sex with me.

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