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September 1, 2011

Confused at 15

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:00 am

Needing to talk on August 10, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I am only 15. Which might make my problem less significant, but I am going to go ahead and tell you anyway.

My boyfriend of 6 months (who is 17 years old) just broke up with me. Needless to say, my heart is shattered. The fact that he proposed to me makes it even worse. I think he broke up with me because other things became more important. I don’t know what to do. Shortly after we broke up I discovered that I was pregnant. I miscarried. But now I can’t seem to get in touch with him. My question is, should I tell him that I was pregnant? Also when I saw him one day shortly after the breakup he told me he still loved me but he wanted to wait till I turned sixteen before we got back together. I think that is an influence from his Mom. The thing is I still love him so much. I have had offers from other guys but I feel if I go out with some one else I am betraying him in some odd way. Why? I am so confused. I want to contact him but is it wrong to make contact with him before he even tries to get in touch with me? I feel like I can’t put this whole thing to rest unless I discuss my feelings with him in private. We haven’t had a discussion more than 5 minutes long in the whole time since we broke up.

I hope I didn’t confuse you too bad, Breakup Girl. Please help me!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

Your problem is TOTALLY significant.

First of all, is your health okay? I assume you saw a doctor to make sure that your body is recovering okay from the miscarriage — about which I am terribly sorry. But on the off chance that you didn’t, and if you can’t tell an adult in your family, please check with a guidance counselor to find a clinic that you can visit. If this is a problem write to me and we’ll find something.

So yeah, as long as a doctor was aware of your pregnancy — and I’m really hoping a supportive friend or two were aware as well — I don’t see any reason for your ex-boyfriend to be. Not at this time, anyway. I’m not saying you should willfully conspire to hide things from him — things that are, arguably, his business. But for now, it’s for your own good. You feel awful enough already … let’s say you tell him, and you don’t get the kind, concerned, caring response you’d really like — well, you’ll feel even worse. If you rebuild a friendship, then someday, yeah, you could fill him in.

Still, it seems that there are plenty of other things you’ve not had the chance to share with him. I’d say write ’em down and mail them. Nice things, not mean things. Statements about how YOU feel, not questions or demands of him (such as “When are you coming back?”). I don’t really buy the 16-years-old thing (neither do you). So don’t count on a reunion, or even a response. But getting those feelings out might help the letting-go process.

As might dating other people — but I agree that you’re not ready yet. The breakup just happened — and you’ve gone through two big losses. Let me insist, though, that you are not betraying him if/when you do see someone else. It just feels like you are right now because, whether he is or not, you’re still attached. That bond will loosen up over time, I promise; it just doesn’t feel like that now. Especially if you work on tightening your ties with people — family, friends, superheroes — who know just how significant you truly are.

Breakup Girl

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