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September 9, 2011

My BF has let himself go!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:53 am

Getting comfortable on August 10, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I started dating two years ago, and everything has been very good. We are both very athletic and enjoy running, etc. together. When we started dating, he had a great body. However, despite all the working out, his waistline has expanded greatly due to the his terrible eating habits. I have tried very hard to maintain my shape and have succeeded — which he is very happy about. I have known him for a long time and know that he has always had very high standards with respect to the bodies of the women he dates.

In any event, he has let himself go and I feel like he is taking me for granted. He told me that he has always been in great shape in between relationships and looking to date new people — but that he tends to gain weight when he is in one, because he gets “comfortable.” I know I sound superficial, but I feel as if he is being very hypocritical. He would be very unhappy if I had gained almost 20 pounds over the course of our relationship. On top of that, it is beginning to have an impact on my physical attraction to him. I have dropped hints, but nothing seems to work. How do I approach this subject with him?

— Holly


Dear Holly,

Remember what I told Worry Wart? Among other things, I (well, Belleruth) noted that “as [her boyfriend] gets older, he will less and less be able to get away with abusing his body thusly. He’ll get some symptoms that will shape him up.” In your case, his symptoms might be: that he’s not getting laid. I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD PLAY SOME SEX-WITHHOLDING GAME. But I will wager that your waning attraction may not be entirely about your/Society’s “size-ist” taste in bedfellas. I’d be turned off, too, by someone so “comfortable” that he’s not willing to put the same level of “work” — whatever it may be — into a relationship that he expects from his girlfriend. How to approach the subject? For starters, the key word is not “full figure,” but rather, “full partner.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

2 Comments »

  1. When I met my friend J, he was a bit overweight at about 230lbs. His girlfriend (a nationally ranked collegiate oarswoman at the time) told him “you’re a bit soft around the middle there” and he took that to mean ‘if I don’t shape up, I’m going to lose her!’ – and he embarked on the spectacularly successfual J diet: measuring his food, working out a lot more, and in the space of a year went from middling cyclist to nationals contender, dropped to 175lbs (right for his size), and he and his girlfriend are now engaged. And he’s still a terror on the bike racing scene, although not quite as intense about it as he now has a real job etc.

    Getting ‘comfortable’ in a relationship doesn’t have to mean getting lax, especially if you and he enjoy running and working out together. Changing nutrition habits is a difficult and long process, but if you are both committed to it, it does work.

    Comment by DM — September 9, 2011 @ 9:50 am

  2. Im 23 my boyfriend is 27,I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We love each other very much and are happy. We are even looking for a place together. However for that past year he has really let himself go, he’s gained a lot of weight. And the past few months our sex life has really slowed down. He may be a little under stress with work and he has gone back to school but it’s not only that hes gained weight and we don’t have sex as often anymore it’s when we do has sex the quality of our sex isn’t there anymore. It seems to be a lot about him and I don’t really Im 22 my boyfriend is 27,I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We love each other very much and are happy. We are even looking for a place together. However for that past year he has really let himself go, he’s gained a lot of weight. And the past few months our sex life has really slowed down. He may be a little under stress with work and he has gone back to school but it’s not only that hes gained weight and we don’t don’t have sex anymore it’s when we do has sex the quality of our sex isn’t there anymore. It seems to be a lot about him and I don’t really have the “finishing ending” anymore. He doesn’t shower as often, wears sweat pants all the time, doesn’t shave to much. I understand getting comfortable but it’s really starting to cross the line and has been affecting my attraction to him. I want to tell him but he always gets so defensive and it’s hard to get him to just listen and not defend himself.

    Sent from my iPhonehave the “finishing ending” anymore. He doesn’t shower as often, wears sweat pants all the time, doesn’t shave to much. I understand getting comfortable but it’s really starting to cross the line and has been affecting my attraction to him. I want to tell him but he always gets so defensive and it’s hard to get him to just listen and not defend himself.

    Comment by Ronica — July 31, 2012 @ 2:24 am

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