Staying strong on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He wanted to go for another girl. The three of us worked together and I was worried that I wouldn’t survive working with him because it would hurt too much to see him come on to her. Well, I did and he did. He tried his damndest to get her but was ultimately shot down. (Is it right for me to get pleasure out of that?). So, now I am presented with a new problem, one that sucks even more. Last Friday, I worked with him. He was exceedingly friendly, I’d say almost a bit too friendly. My friends seem to think that now that he was rejected by her, he’s going to come back to me. I don’t think I like that idea. While we were going out, he was very controlling. He wanted to know where I was 24 hours a day. I couldn’t go out with my friends if he wasn’t there. If I didn’t call him when I was supposed to, he blew up. Anyway, enough babbling, here’s my problem. I am happy with my life since he left, it’s better than it’s been in a long time. But now, they say he’ll be back. When I lie in bed at night, I think about how much I miss his companionship. I know that I have to say no to him, but I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. How to you tell a guy that you were in love with for three years that you don’t want him back, when your heart says you still do? My mind says he’s scum, my friends say he’s scum, my family says he’s scum, but my heart says I miss him. What can I do to make myself strong enough to send him away? I don’t want to be stuck with him, I really don’t, but… I think I still love him. Will that love go away? Please, please, please write back. I’ll send you flowers if you do.

— Shanequa

Dear Shanequa,

This observation is going to sound harsher than I mean it to, but here goes: if you let someone do that to you for three years, it’s no wonder that you might “let” him come back. Look, I will stop short of saying he’s scum, but I will say that demanding to know where you were 24/7, prohibiting you from seeing your friends without him, and blowing up when you miss a call or two is NEVER EVER OKAY WITH BREAKUP GIRL. And unless he’s had a total personality transplant, he will do it all again. He is not what’s missing from your life: what’s missing (even though you say it’s been better) is an alternate source of feeling wanted, needed, valued. Like, NOT: “Wow, if he needs to know where I am all the time, HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME.” And, like, not just some other boy. I don’t know exactly what it’ll take, but that’s where you need to start.

So lieu of flowers, just say no. Then send yourself some.

Love,
Breakup Girl