A long one from August 24, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
It’s my first time on your website, and I think it’s great that people could write to someone and get some advice. (I found that my friends have given me pretty biased opinions about my situation!)
I went out with this guy for three, almost four years. We started going out when we were 15, which I realize now was too young. It ended pretty badly . We have broken up and gotten back together many times before. We actually broke up, but kept dragging the relationship on before we really went our separate ways. We had a really close relationship; there was nothing I could keep from him. He was my bestfriend. I lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. We did everything together and we were inseparable. Towards the end, I had doubts about my feelings towards him. I started to have feelings for another guy that I was friends with. Basically, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I couldn’t see him anymore because of the other guy. He wasn’t too impressed. I wanted to be the one to tell him because people in my school always talked, and I figured it was only a matter of time before he heard. He yelled and cursed at me, and I ended up hanging up on him, bawling my head off. He kept trying to call me back, but I refused to talk to him. He dropped a letter off at my house an hour later.
(Two days before this happened we slept together and it was amazing. I guess he felt more for me than I did for him though) He wrote that he would always love me, but at the same time he would never resent anyone as much as he resented me for what I did. He really lost respect for me when I did what I did, and I fully understood that.
Anyway, I never ended up with that other guy because not too long after that I found out that I was pregnant. I come from a very Catholic and very strict family. There was no way I could keep the child considering the person I needed to be there hated me, and it was my own fault he did. I had to get an abortion and I did. Only one other person knew of this.
I know a big part of the reason I broke up with him was my friends. He never got along with them; he hated them and they loathed him. My friends harassed me about being with him and I was getting tired of “choosing” who to be with all the time. They really liked the other guy though. I realize now that I didn’t even like the guy as much as I thought I did; my friends basically talked me into liking him. I just wanted to be left alone. I feel really stupid for listening to my friends over how I really felt. My friends do not know about the abortion.
Anyway, I didn’t tallk to my ex for several months, and out of the blue he called me. My life was upside down and I didn’t even realize it was until I talked to him. I’ve always been on the honour roll, very dedicated, and always did well in whatever I chose to do. However, I was a total mess after the abortion. I barely passed my courses, I failed choir (and I’m a pretty talented singer) and I constantly fought with my distraught parents. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I also ended up sleeping with two other guys. I felt like the worst person because I’ve always had amazing morals and I stuck by them. My ex used to tell me that was what he loved about me; that I had good morals and was able to stick to them. I said I would never have an abortion, and when I did I felt that I had let all my morals go. I guess I made it worse by not caring about life anymore, particularly mine.
My ex and I met up and we hit it off great. We had a great time. However, we ended up sleeping together. It was so emotional that we both cried while we were together. I didn’t realize how much I missed him. Being with him was nothing like being with those other guys. He made me feel so complete, and it felt right. Those other guys just made me feel like an idiot for having slept with them in the first place. (I was drunk on both occasions, and I totally regret them.) I was so happy to have him with me. I thought maybe we could work things out. The next day he told me that he could never be with me. I cried and cried; it hurt like you wouldn’t believe. I expected those guys to have just used me, but not him. I broke down and couldn’t contain myself. He held me in his arms, but I knew he could never be there for me. I ended up telling him about the abortion and how everything else in my life was a mess. He said I would be okay and all that, he said he wished he could be there to help ease the pain I kept in for so long, but he couldn’t do that to himself. After all that happened I so desperately wanted to be with him that I called him constantly. I couldn’t keep myself from doing it. He always promises to see me and he’d make plans with me. I spent my days looking forward to seeing him, only to find that he had yet another excuse to not see me. He said I hurt him too much and that he could never have anything to do with me. He said that I was selfish because the only reason I wanted him back was to make it better for myself. I truly believe that that is not true. All I want to do is ease his pain and make all the pain I caused him to go away, but obviously he doesn’t see it that way. I guess it is too late, and I’ve decided that I love him enough to let him go no matter how much it hurts. I still cry whenever I hear the phone ring and it isn’t him. I cry when I hear a baby cry. I don’t know how to go forward. I haven’t attempted to get a hold of him in a while. I pray that he is happy because if this is all I could do for him, God knows I’ll try my hardest.
Okay, your letter has totally, completely broken Breakup Girl’s heart.
Here is the bottom line. Your exboyfriend is not being very nice to you, and you are not being very nice to you. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease find someone to talk to who will be. Maybe the person in whom you confided about the abortion? You are not selfish; you are not immoral; it is NOT your fault things didn’t work out with you guys. You have been muddling through, trying to do what you think is best with the circumstances — and without much support. Please, again, find someone — a school guidance counselor, even — who will remind you of this as often as you need.
And somehow, the thing that totally got me in the gut was the fact that you failed choir. Can you get back into singing somehow, if you haven’t already, even outside of school? I just have a hunch that this is how you’re going to be able to stand up and hear your own voice again.
Please take care of yourself.