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October 25, 2011

Kissing FAIL

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:20 am

Never been kissed before August 24, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve tried writing to advice columns before, but not once have I seen/heard a response. I’m trying again, though, in hopes that you can help me out.

First of all, I’ll start by saying I’m a fifteen year old girl. A SHY fifteen year old girl. Before this year, I’ve never been kissed. Sure, I’ve gone out with guys before, but that was “kid stuff” and nothing happened.

Anyway, this year I met this guy, Greg. He was a senior, I was a freshman, but we were really alike, and immediately became friends. After a month or so, a mutual friend set us up. We started seeing each other soon after that.

One day I was over at his house, and we were watching a movie. Halfway through the movie, he leaned in for the “big kiss.” He had kissed me before, but they were just pecks. This time it was more than that. When I realized what was happening, I got nervous, and I was afraid I would do the wrong thing. In result, I pretty much messed up the whole kiss, and ruined the moment. I guess what made me nervous was the fact that I knew he had much more experience than I, and I didn’t want him to think of me as inexperienced. But because of that, I probably looked more inexperienced than I could have.

Our relationship seemed to be more distant after that, or at least I thought so. We didn’t do things as often, and he never tried to kiss me again after that. I don’t think it was intentional for either of us, though. We still talked just as often. It wasn’t like he acted weird about it; he was the total sweetheart he’d always been. We never mentioned that day afterwards, though. I think he thought it made me uncomfortable.

Well, about a month later, he left for the US Navy. Now, we converse through writing letters. We never talked about whether our relationship would continue after he left, or if it would become a friendship instead. Therefore, I don’t know his feelings about “us” anymore. I still care about him very much, maybe even love him. I would like to continue a long distance relationship with him, but I don’t know how he feels about that. Our relationship was never very serious, which is why I’m unsure of his feelings. Because of this confusion, would it be cheating to go out with other guys? Also, how can I find out how he feels without making myself look too committed or too possessive or such?

And back to the first part of my story–the kiss. Recently, I was talking with that mutual friend, and she mentioned that he had talked to her about the day he kissed me. He asked her if I had ever kissed anyone before, and said he could kind of tell I hadn’t. So I’m wondering, do you think my lack of experience turned him off? Or did he think he made me uncomfortable? I’m asking this because he’s returning home for a break in a few weeks and I’d really like him to kiss me again, and maybe more. I’m very shy though, and not the person to make the first move. I want him to know how I feel, but I feel awkward actually coming out and saying it, not knowing if he feels the same. I also don’t want to sound too obsessive or possessive, either.

I’m in great need of some good advice. I’ve been contemplating what to do forever, but nothing seems right. Please help!

— Shy and Confused

Dear Shy and Confused,

Wow, your first kiss, and your first advice query ever answered, all in the same letter!

Here’s the deal: I don’t think your lack of experience turned him off, but I think it did make him nervous. Like, he didn’t want to freak you out. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of guys are, like, nice — not to mention shy, too. They also don’t want to be turned down. All of these things were at risk for him the moment he realized you hadn’t exactly been around the block. BUT YOU DIDN’T “MESS ANYTHING UP.”

I think — if you can muster the courage — you could totally say something like, “Hey, do you wanna hang out at all while you’re at home? It’s okay if you don’t, but call me if you do.” Ball’s in his court. See what he does. If nothing happens, well, that’s bad and sad, but in the big picture, for someone who thinks she’s a shy girl, you’re doing just fine. I promise that there will be other guys who will go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with — repeat: whatever pace YOU’RE comfortable with — and who will not go … away.

Breakup Girl


  1. BG,

    What can I do at 30? I’ve kissed two girls-first one was apparently unimpressed, “you’re f-n awesome but I can’t date you,” the second said “practice on my wrist”. I’m behind the curve here, what can/should I do so that next time I don’t end up getting shot down for not knowing what do to and how to do it?

    I can’t do anything about being 5’5″, but I need more confidence and whatever knowledge I don’t have otherwise I have the feeling I’m going to to continue being a one-date wonder. On that note, how does one know their ‘dating value’–in an assortative mating paradigm, how ‘expensive’ a partner they can ‘afford’?

    Comment by DM — October 25, 2011 @ 11:51 am

  2. Well, DM, the day we start getting it assortative mating paradigms, for anything other than the whooping crane, I think we’re in trouble. I hear that you’re puzzled and concerned, but as I’ve told others, once you set it up in your mind that there is some sort of Mysterious Dating Knowledge that is Out There, eluding your access, you set yourself up for failure…or, much better put, concern and puzzlement. It’s not magic. It’s not this THING you either KNOW or don’t. True, some folks may wind up slicker or smoother than others, but that doesn’t carry the day. Neither does “confidence” in and of itself. What does help is PRACTICE. Not to reach some sort of designated dating paradigm, but just to reach a slightly higher operating comfort level. So I’d just “put yourself out there” more — not necessarily on the prowl, just in situations where you have many more casual or flirtatious encounters with women you might date, or might just flirt with. Lower the stakes, get a little more comfortable just being around women as normal people, and you’ll raise the bar–and number/quality of dates. You can do it. :)

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