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November 3, 2011

Boyfriend vs. Crush

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:05 am

Undecided on August 31, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a predicament! For the past 8 months I have been living with my boyfriend and things have been going fine! Except, I have a little crush on someone else. The guy, Chris, and I have been friends for about a year now, except that when we used to hang out we would flirt and I would imagine what it was like to kiss him… harmless stuff…we never DID anything. Oh yeah did I mention that he had a girlfriend… a long distance one, and I was on safe ground in my own mind with this invisi-barrier of girlfriend vibes around him! That is, until a few days ago. THEY BROKE UP!

Now I am afraid to hang out with him because I am scared that we will hook up cause of that tension that has been building for so long! I don’t want to lose my friend. AND to get back to the boyfriend part, I don’t want to lose him either. But I am so incredibly attracted to this other guy… am I kidding myself about having my boyfriend and drop it all and go with my crush (which may cause for a bizarre living situation!) I am so torn… (sigh). Please help!!

— K

Dear K,

While you’re sorting out your feelings, I would avoid certain dangerous situations with Chris, like seeing him. Also, being within a fifty-mile radius of him and alcohol at the same time.

Here’s what you have to figure out. Is this crush, like, extra? Do you still have a full serving of feelings for your live-in, plus a side of Chris crush? OR is the Chris crush crowding out the main course? Do you see the difference? ‘Cause it is normal, when things are fine in your main relationship, to have itty bitty auxiliary crushes — especially “safe” ones (and also to be thrown for a loop when all of a sudden they get dangerous). It is also normal, when antsy in your main relationship, to have “safe” crushes so that you can exercise the restless feelings without having to actually do anything about them. So again: is Chris a bonus, or a sign? I really don’t know; you tell me. And remember, crushes do not always have to be consummated. Be careful. I guarantee you that the “tension” between you and Chris is way more fun than the tension you’ll bring home if you two hook up.

Breakup Girl

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