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December 7, 2011

Broken up but still living together!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:00 am

livingtogetherThis house is not a home on September 7, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I’m going insane. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and nine months. We’ve also lived together for about two and a half years… We still have to live together because neither of us has the money or the means to move out. We have our own rooms, so that makes the situation at least livable. I don’t want him back at all and the feeling is quite mutual; in fact I don’t know why I stuck it out in the relationship so long to begin with.

Anyway, I’m saving up so that I can move out. It’s been about a week since the breakup and I haven’t even cried yet (nor have I felt the urge to). Unfortunately loneliness is starting to hit me like a freight train and I really find myself craving male companionship and affection like some sort of psycho co-dependent weakling. But my ex seems to be taking the breakup so well– I haven’t seen even one smidge of sadness or regret in his face. Then again, one of my main problems with him was that he was about as caring, warm and romantic as a frosty bottle of liquid nitrogen.

So I’ve been doing my best to get out of the house and be with my friends as much as possible, but it doesn’t help to cut the edge off the loneliness as much as I hoped it would. This is only my second relationship and I’m beginning to feel very lost as this loneliness seems to be getting worse– I’m not ready to date again either. I hope I can stay strong long enough for it to pass but I really don’t know what I should do. Mighty Breakup Girl, please help enlighten me to the survival tactics of the “newly single.”

– Frantic

Dear Frantic,

It’s been a week. A week! In Breakup Mean Time, yes, this is seven years. But as far as the healing process goes, it’s nothing. A blip. A half-blip. A nanosecond.

So of course even doing the “right” things isn’t taking the edge off. You’re still in shock. All the fun-and-friends stuff is just glancing off the surface, because you are still numb — to everything. See, you can’t make your sassy, tasty comeback before you’ve got somewhere to come back from. But you skipped that part where you hurl yourself into the sulfurous pits of despair. That part where it’s Wallow City, and you’re the mayor. You need to do this on a finite basis — for one week, say — as an all-out purge.

A central element of the all-out wallow is the effort not to leave the house. But … oops! In your case, home is Casa Boyfriend, and you’re the roommate. That’s not helping either, needless to say. Hard to go cold turkey when the turkey’s warming the couch.

So here’s what there is to do.

1. Quit judging “how he’s taking it.” Or, in any case, thinking you’re right when you do. You have no idea. He might look frosty in the kitchen, but maybe he’s crying himself to sleep. Or maybe, yeah, it’s not bothering him at all, in which case, eeeeuw. Either way, an irresistible but pointless venture.

2. Quit judging how you’re taking it. You’re doing totally fine, normal, and all that, I promise. As long as you promise me that you’ll take some time to let yourself feel lonely. Eat brownies, cry, etc. You’re human (as in carbon, not nitrogen). Be that way.

3. But buy store-brand. And clip coupons. You need out.

Breakup Girl


  1. I have known my baby’s daddy for almost 3 years… Had our only son when we were both 16.

    My problem isn’t that he was or is a bad father…Its how our relationship is that’s taking a toll on me. He kissed his ex-girlfriend a week into our relationship. I got over it. He looked up his adult entertainment alone in the bathroom. I let it go. And then there was that one night where i left with my parents to Colorado for one of my dad’s friend’s graduation and my boyfriend ended up sleeping with our next door neighbor. Why? As far as he says, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. I forgave but never forget.
    Even though I forgave him..on the inside I couldn’t stay with him. He drew my last patience. So when the moment came for him to go to Job Corp, I started thinking if he was the kind f guy i wanted to be with or not for my baby. I made my decision almost 10 days after he left. So i left him, which made it more easier for me to break it up.
    Things happened in my life that i can’t dicuss here but what happened with my boyfriend is that we are back together now..My feelings for him are different than they were before. I lack emotions toward him and i keep telling him that he needs to be patient with me..he says he loves me and regrets everything he did in the past. I can’t say i love you back. My issue is that i don’t love him..I told him honestly that i want to try to work things out. But the harder i try, the less I’m interested in him. I was always the one that showed my love toward him and he neglected me. Now, Im the one that lacks emotion and he’s the lovy dovy one. I don’t do this to get back at him. I really did try, but it really sucks when he tries to force me to open up. Its something you can’t just force. Yes I did talk to him about it. And i think I’m ready to break up with him again. We live together with our son. The hardest part of telling him that I’m done is that he had threatened me that if i break up with him, he will try to fight custody for my son. and he won’t accept any break ups and still live together fro our son’s sake. I am trying to find a place of my own, but its hard when he gets upset even because I walk to talk to my friends about it. He gets mad because he says thats his business. So I stopped talking to all my friends all together. Now I talk to my only true friend behind his back so he won’t get upset or jealous. :( What I do need to say about why I went back with him, was because I am still involved with CYFD because of something an ex bf did to my son. And so I can’t leave him until my case closes or he’ll go to them and extend their stay. CYFD wants to make sure that my boyfriend and I can be more compatible for my son. Sounds ridiculous I know. So what should I do? Should I leave him now or wait it out till its all over? I hate being with him. I just want what’s best for my son. I know I wrote a lot, but I thought this would help in getting advice.


    Comment by Natalie McElyea — June 19, 2012 @ 3:51 am

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    Comment by juan — March 22, 2013 @ 8:19 pm

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    Comment by CHALTON — December 11, 2013 @ 7:00 pm

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    Comment by JOLLY — January 14, 2014 @ 12:17 am

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    Comment by mary — February 1, 2014 @ 12:15 am

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    Comment by Anabella — February 6, 2014 @ 3:46 am

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    Comment by Ella — February 20, 2014 @ 6:00 pm

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