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February 1

True Confessions: I Hate Seeing the Cozy Little Family He Has Created!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:44 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

I have two issues/questions. The first is about getting over the breakup of my marriage. I am in the process of getting a divorce.

It is hard for me because we have a child, and I don’t get to say see ya and move on. I have to deal with him almost daily on visitation or money issues, and he is living with his girlfriend with whom he cheated while we were together. I hate seeing the cozy little family he has created without me, but I want my son to be able to continue to see his dad. Any ideas on how to deal with all this?

The other issue is that my friends want to set me up, and I would like to get out and about again, but I have been a stay at home mom, and haven’t had much of a life lately. I don’t know if I am ready, even for Transition man. Transition man, by the way, has been defined to me as the guy you don’t take home to mom and dad or your kids as the case may be, but who keeps you company in a rough time. I am definitely not looking for anything more, it will take me awhile to get past the betrayal and history, but I would like somebody to take me to the movies, etc. Where does Breakup Girl suggest I start?

— Looking for Transition Man

Dear Looking,

Almost daily? Wow, that is hard. Are there even, like, any purely logistical ways you can get around this, at least until some of the swelling goes down? Like: have your ex do the driving? Set up a weekly visitation and money issues meeting — on the phone? Try to rejigger things — don’t just suffer in non-cozy silence.

Now, about Transition Man. I’llĀ bet you would like a nice fella to take you to the picture show, nothing more. But here’s the problem: in the history of breakupgirl.net, no one has written to me about a relationship that has actually been working while one member of the couple was still “in the process of getting a divorce.” (Duh, Breakup Girl, that’s why they’re writing. Uh…right. Well, still.) Too messy, too raw, too confusing, and usually lopsided. More often than not, they are like cough syrup: they make it feel better, but they don’t make it better. Treating the symptom.

But yes, you should get out and start reshaping your life. For the time being, have your friends set you up with … them. Just go out and do … stuff. Stuff you enjoy. Work your way back up to having fun. Remember what it’s like to be alone, for better or for worse. Savor being out of something sour. Don’t look for a guy to get you through it; look for a guy when you already are.

Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.


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