Making a move on September 28, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
First of all, kudos on a kick butt website. I’ve spent many an hour cruising through and reading your hilarious and right-on responses.
Okay, after my necessary genuflecting, I have to go on and say that I feel pretty much like crap now. I just had one of those moments, those moments that get etched into your mind for the rest of eternity, so when I sit down and think, when I’m 83: “When did I feel really, *really* stupid?” And then this will come rushing back in technicolor, and I will emit an “Oh, yeah.” I’ll keep this short, since I basically have one question. You are the Miss Manners of the heartbroken set, so I thought you would be able to answer it for me.
I had been coveting my new Friend-Boy for about a month or so now, and the crush pretty much began with our friendship. We had that sort of vague Hanging Out type of thing going on, which you can do with Friendly-Only people, as well as with the I-Really-Want-to-Get-to-Know-You-Better folk.
I couldn’t read him, and didn’t have the cojones, in the beginning, to ask him to qualify his side of our dynamic. He was excruciatingly shy, so if he *was* interested, I wouldn’t have been able to tell (but I tried, let me assure you). So all in all, I just today asked him what was up bluntly, he just today answered bluntly, and I am now grappling with the searing burn of rejection. You’re right, it *sucks.* Okay, though, at least I know.
So, my question is this: is it rude and trashy not to want to hang with him anymore? I’m usually all about being as YGG (You Go Girl) as you can get, but I know in this situation, I would spend a lot of time proving to him that I am *so* Over It, which would be more of a hassle than anything else. I enjoy his company, but I know I would harbor a weird little feeling that would be more of a annoyance than anything else. I know it’s my perogative to do whatever I please, but if in your knowledge, people often get over this stuff called pride and continue to have well-adjusted friendships, then I may just suck up the humiliation and stick it out. On the other hand, if you’ve found that there tends to be those remaining feelings fudging up the balance, I may throw this one to the dogs.
I can eat ethnic food and see obscure films with girlfriends, and he was more cute than anything else. What’s your take?
–Embarassed as Heck (but *so* Over It, really.)
First of all, Breakup ‘Rents: “kick-butt” is good. And hey, Embarrassed: Thanks. Also on the Miss Manners thing, which as far as compliments go, is waaaay up there.
Anyway, bless your bruised heart for writing such a cutie patootie oh-so-true-tie letter. It’s pointless for me to tell you not to feel humiliated, but I will at least suggest that there’s really no reason for you to. It was only a month, you were forthright, end of story. It’s not like you got Joey and Chandler to help you with some elaborate ruse involving a big rooster costume and a message on the Jumbotron in front of thousands of people. Of course you felt stupid. But you didn’t do anything stupid.
Now, to answer your question: yes, it would be rude and trashy to call him up and say “Harrumph! All or nothin’, buster! That’s the last you’ll see of me!” or to “happen” to swing by his hangout looking fierce with some tasty arm candy and proceed to vigorously ignore him. But NO, it is not rude and trashy to not want to hang with him. Nor is it not “well-adjusted.” Heck, you’re tuned-in enough to anticipate the “proving I’m over it” pitfall. And again, it was only a month. To not see him — at least for a while — is not high drama. Eccch, you’ve got enough friends, don’t you think?