Going all the way — to Crazytown on September 28, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I am still a virgin. This is not a bad thing in my eyes, but it makes me REALLY shy when it comes to dating. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married, or at least engaged, I would even give it up when I’d been dating the guy for more than a year. What worries me, is that my virginity is getting in the way of my dating life. Which brings me to the fact that I’ve only had one boyfriend and that was only for a short month. Boys like me, as far as I can tell, but every time one tries to get me into a relationship, I hesitate, because I don’t like to kiss or makeout. Kissing disgusts me, and I’ve never made-out before, but I don’t think I’d like it. I don’t have much sex drive to tell you the truth. I was really boy crazy when I was younger and in high school, but now I’m not interested in physical stuff; I just want to enjoy the person I’m dating for who they are and how they make me feel, emotionally. I love one man, and he is the only one I would even think about having sex with, but he currently has a girlfriend of 1 year, and is my best guy friend in the world.
ANYWAY, back to my virginity. Is there something wrong with me, if I don’t want to hop in the sack? I’m guessing not, but it seems like the whole world is just going at it like rabbits. Another thing is that I want my husband to be either a virgin, also, or pretty darn close to one. Most guys I meet up with have a pretty large past file, or one I consider too large, and I’m turned off, even to their personality and good sides. And it’s not even like I’m going to sleep with them anyway, so I could at least date them…But the big thing is–I don’t want to be PRESSURED, and I don’t want them to try to pretend that they’ll be patient.
One of my best friends recommended that I ask my best guy friend in the whole world (yes, the one who has a steady girlfriend), to have sex with me so I know whether or not I like it, so I know if it really is something I want to save for marriage or want to experience more sooner. I’m going away to college again, and she suggested that I write him in a letter and ask him if he would be comfortable with having sex with me. She also said that I should explain that I want to experience it with someone I know will not hurt me, will stop if I want them to, and who I know is cautious in his sex life (he’s only slept with his current girlfriend), and also that it would mean nothing to me, other than a big favor from a friend. And what’s crazy and insane is that I actually considered this! First of all, I think it would ruin our great friendship, because we used to kind of see each other on and off, and when I asked for more than friends, he gracefully declined. But I really would like to experience sex from someone I trust so greatly. I’m scared that if I don’t have it now, I’ll never have it, because I don’t think I’ll trust anyone as much as I trust and love him.
Any advice? Should I re-think this experiencing biz? And how do I not let my virginity get in the way of dating?
— Still A Virgin
Okay, we need to give Breakup Mom a moment to recover. See, in her day, “virginity” and “dating” did not so much interfere with one another. I’m just saying.
But now I just cannot wait any longer to say: NO! A thousand times NO! BG does NOT endorse this “experiencing biz!” For a million reasons, a big one being: you’re not interested. You don’t want to. You’re not all that amped about kissing, and you’re talking about doing the nasty? Also, your logic is waaaaay askew: you’re staying a virgin to keep things special, except for that one time when you have sex that “would mean nothing.” Or, more to the point: you want to have sex so you’ll know if you want to save yourself for marriage? Hmm. And finally: how delightful that you trust and love this your friend; how depressing that you think this is a one-in-forever chance.
All of which says to me: you’re not ready, you’re completely confused, and you’re not all that secure and confident that you’re a tasty babe whom the boys — extra-spiffy boys, without girlfriends — will like no matter how little you put out. And the latter is the key to letting “virginity” and “dating” coexist peacefully and powerfully.