Sex with an Ex on October 12, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
Let’s-call-him-Jack and I have been broken up for nearly six months after dating for nearly 3 years. We tried the friend thing for a while and it worked out quite nicely except I foolishly took every nicety as a sign that he wanted me back. But now I know that just isn’t going to happen and I’m fine with it, although I still think about him every day, multiple times a day. However, I sort of have the hots for someone else AND am enjoying being single. My question is, Jack and I started sleeping together again in late June (we broke up in March) and have done it 5 times since then. We are always drunk when this happens but the sex is INCREDIBLE. The first few times he would not kiss me and we would not cuddle afterwards, just roll over and go to sleep. However, I mentioned the no-kissing policy made me feel like a prostitute so the last two times he has kissed me and held me BEFORE and AFTER we did it. The problem is, I know it is stupid to have sex with an ex, but what if it is REALLY good and you aren’t nursing false hopes of reconciliation? Also, what’s up with the kissing thing? Please help!!!
— Confused yet Satisfied
Dear Confused yet Satisfied,
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: of course the sex rocks your world. There’s no aphrodisiac like a breakup. As in, “You look great without … commitment.”
I’ll also take your word for it that you’re not nursing false hopes. And I will allow that sex with an ex can offer fond, old-home-week satisfaction (or we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this passion) — all without the hassle of, you know, meeting someone. Or getting to know them. Fine.
But there are two ick factors here. One is, yes, the kissing. I know he did it the last couple times. But I cringe to hear someone all excited to report that someone s/he had sex with them kissed them too! Now, I don’t want to impose emotions on you, but — you sorta said it yourself — doesn’t the kissing-coaching kinda make it feel like this wild thing is exactly that … a thing? Something separate from you. Something not about you, not about furtive reunions and spicy nostalgia. It just sounds … covenient. Bleah.
That said, my main concern is not about this recycled relationship per se. I’m just worried that it’s gonna hold you back from the next one — or, for that matter, from your next period of healthy, restorative singlehood. It’s the Sorta factor: you’re sorta seeing someone who makes you feel sorta good. And that — well, let’s just say this — for your strength, standards, or self-esteem…don’t do Jack.