Not quite broken up on October 12, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
Please help me! I am 22 years old and my boyfriend, 23, recently broke up with me. We have a long story which is complicated to get into, but we have gone out for about 2 1/2 years. We broke up about 2 months ago, but it didn’t seem to be completely ended then. We saw each other every weekend and still do. When we are together he acts like we are going out again. We sleep together and even make love. He has even asked me to go back out again but I try and be strong because I am not sure if it is what he really wants. I truly want him to be happy, but I want him back also. When he first broke up with me I was heartbroken and I let him know this… I made him tell me why and I told him I didn’t want to break up. He told me at that time that he wasn’t sure I was the one and that he needed time to sort out his life. We are both each others first loves and I feel as if I pressured him too much and asked for affection constantly. I have to admit that throughout our relationship I may have pushed him a lot because I was afraid of losing him. It seems like when he first broke up with me I pestered him because I wanted him back, so he backed off. He did not call or anything. Eventually I tried to let him go and I have not called him in over two weeks. Now he calls me every day and even gave me a gift. We spend the weekends together sometimes and act as if we are going out. If I dare bring up that fact he asks me why I have to define everything. He told me recently that he needed to break up with me because he feels as if we have done everything together and that the only thing left is marriage, which, in his current situation, he is not ready for. By current situation I mean we are both recently out of college and starting new jobs. He has many debts such as school loans and etc. to pay off. His thoughts on marriage is that he would like to be stable before he gets married. He even told a friend of ours that if we were both 28 and stable he would marry me in a minute. I want a life with this man. I can wait for him, but it seems like I am doing it the wrong way. Should I let things stay the way they are, remain friends with him, or just let him go completely and have no contact? I guess I want to know if we still have a chance. I feel as if I am losing my Mr. Right. We are great when we are together. We fight a lot but are so good at making up. We are best friends and tell each other everything. He has never hurt me or cheated on me. He loves my family and they love him, and the same goes for his family and me. I am close to desperate to know whether my relationship has a chance.
Bad news, he’s truly not ready. Good news, he may be someday. From the way you describe it, at least, it sounds like he genuinely loves you and, simultaneously, genuinely can’t deal with making the maximum commitment right now. That’s why as far as hopes go, yours may not be false. Still — very important — I think the way to play this one is not to think about What’s Most Likely to Get Him to Come Around, but rather, What’s Most Likely To Not Make Me Insane. You don’t have to cut off all contact, but neither should you just play house. That way, both of your heads will be clearer in the short run. Which bodes well for the long run.