Big To Do
About Us

“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

October 4, 2012

I can’t keep it up

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:13 am

Frustrated on November 9, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 33 and like a schmuck I’ve been dating a 31 year old man where I work for going on three months now. Things seemed to be going pretty darn good between us on every level, except the romance and sex level. “T” seems to have a problem “maintaining a woody.” Because we got along SO well in every other way, I didn’t want to just dump him. I was hoping this would work itself out. Maybe it was the newness of the relationship. Maybe he had been burned in the previous one, whatever. Well, it hasn’t gotten better. It’s to the point where I don’t think he wants to even initiate anything with me because he knows that it will be disappointing.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, BG, and I came to the conclusion that if I was a guy with this problem, I would be the first in line at a urologist’s office trying to find out what the hell was wrong with me. I would be at a shrink’s office delving into the dark recesses of my psyche to try and figure this out. I would be sooooo bummed about this, that I would be doing everything in my power to fix it. In the meantime, if my “plumbing” wasn’t working great, and I had met this woman that I professed to be crazy about, I would do everything else possible to keep her satisfied. You know what I mean?

But nooooo. He doesn’t do anything. He would rather find a way to avoid having to have any kind of sexual contact with me at all. In the three months that we’ve been together, we’ve had maybe eight sexual encounters. I’m sorry, but in every other new relationship I’ve had, that occurs in the first week!

I’ve been single for four years, and am completely emotionally available and ready for a relationship. I have a four year old son from a previous litigation, so I am very selective. I thought this guy could be the one. Neither of us have a lot of money, but I still manage to be romantic in little ways. I would send the occasional greeting card, cute e-mail, and do things for him that I know he would appreciate. There is absolutely no reciprocation. I will massage him for a long time, and he’d say, next time it’s your turn. Next time always comes and goes. I know that the joy of giving is not expecting things in return. But I thought if I did these little things for him, in time as he got to know me better he would respond in kind.

Recently, he left on a two week trip to visit family in Southern California, and to catch a band in Las Vegas. On a weekend when I did not have my son, he chose to leave early Saturday morning (after nothing happened Friday nite, nor in the morning, if you catch my drift). He gave me the keys to his place and asked if I would feed his fish and water his plants. I said I would and playfully asked him to bring me something back from Vegas. While he was gone, I got two very impersonal postcards from him, and a couple of phone calls, also impersonal.

He returned (also on a weekend when I did not have my son, so we could’ve had some time together) very late on Saturday nite. He said (AFTER he watched the indie race on T.V.) Sunday, he would come over and take me and my son out for dinner. He came over Sunday evening, and guess what he brought me from his wonderful trip to Las Vegas?……….a friggin’ calendar!

I’m sorry if I sound selfish and ungrateful, but that’s gotta be the lamest thing any guy has ever given me. It was one of those cheap ones that look like you get free from the hotel room.

We had a pretty impersonal visit (actually nothing much could’ve happened because I had my son with me), he said he would come over Monday evening after work and after my son went to bed, we could make love. We ended up just watching T.V. shows on Monday. I said to him, Geez, you’re not very touchy with me, and he replied, neither are you — it’s a two-way street, you know.

He talks about making plans for the future — of us taking a road trip after the first of the year. He says nice things to me quite often, although a little vague. But his behavior seems just a little bit fishy to me. What do you think I should do?

— Frustrated as Hell

Dear Frustrated,

Um, read your second sentence. What the dilly is left? Just wondering.

Now. Let me disabuse you of a notion whose presense I sense somewhere in your letter. It’s this: “If he really loved me, he’d get help for the ‘woody’ thing.” Not so fast, sistah. It’s way more complicated than that. For all the stereotypes about men as Mr. Fixits, actual scientific evidence shows that guys don’t go to doctors even for, like, alligator-wrestling-related tendinitis, much less “plumbing problems.” (Some say this physician-phobia is actually why men live, on average, seven years fewer than women. Some say that’s because women lie about their age. But I digress.) To read more about the lack of woodage, check out the Male Health Center. Don’t be turned off by the babe in the bikini, or the picture of, um, the Eiffel Tower; those guys pretty much know what they’re talking about.

I could comment on the calendar, which would mainly be to say he might as well have gotten you a clipboard instead, because all you’re doing is tallying. Maybe he’s a sucky shopper, a sucky correspondent, I don’t know. Maybe Vegas is not so much known for its cobblestoned alleys and quaint shops with unique artisans’ wares. Slack-cuttage perhaps required here.

And I could comment on your other claims of “impersonal” and “vague” and “fishy,” which would mainly be to say that frankly, yeah, he sounds like a bit of a pill.

But the plumbing thing is big, Frustrated. It is no toothache, it is no tendinitis. Problems like this Mean Something to your average guy. I don’t know which is the chicken and which is the egg — like, is he nervous about you and thus nervous about “performing,” or nervous about performing and thus nervous about performing — but it doesn’t really matter; there could be any number of purely physical causes mixed in as well. But the point is: this kind of concern colors everything else. All other bets, analyses, BG pronouncements, etc. are off until your calendar boy calls the Maytag guy. There’s no way to make him do this, but a really good way to make him not do it is to keep being the passive-aggressive low-scoring “Russian judge” about his performance in other areas. I’m not saying you shouldn’t require and deserve respect and kindness, not to mention a little somethinsomethin. But if this is the guy that you think you — and your son — could spend some good long QT with, then you’ve got to be able to have a straight conversation about the sex thing: not because all you care about is getting laid, not because he’s the only thing around here that needs fixing, but because it’s something the two of you are going to have to work out if you wanna take any kind of extended road trip together. Putthat on your calendar, okay?

Breakup Girl

1 Comment »

  1. It’s hard to find experienced people for this subject, however, you sound like you
    know what you’re talking about! Thanks

    Comment by spbc8.com — May 23, 2017 @ 4:05 pm

  2. Hi there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and
    say I truly enjoy reading your posts. Can you recommend
    any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same
    subjects? Thanks!

    Comment by http://www.clankang.com/index.php?title=User:AlannaColebatch — May 23, 2017 @ 7:45 pm

  3. Wow, this article is good, my sister is analyzing these things, therefore I am going to tell her.

    Comment by car computer exchange — May 24, 2017 @ 12:21 am

  4. Thanks for every other great post. Where else may just
    anyone get that kind of info in such a perfect means of writing?

    I have a presentation next week, and I’m at the search for such information.

    Comment by http://his-harmony.xsrv.jp — May 24, 2017 @ 9:50 am

  5. Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the images on this blog loading?
    I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end or
    if it’s the blog. Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

    Comment by — May 24, 2017 @ 10:30 am

  6. I’m truly enjoying the design and layout of your website.
    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more pleasant for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a designer to create your theme?
    Superb work!

    Comment by Elena — May 24, 2017 @ 3:14 pm

  7. This post presents clear idea designed for the new viewers of blogging, that in fact
    how to do running a blog.

    Comment by http://www.clankang.com/ — May 24, 2017 @ 9:19 pm

  8. You ought to take part in a contest for one of the highest quality
    blogs on the internet. I’m going to highly recommend this site!

    Comment by www.yywjhzs.com — May 25, 2017 @ 4:17 am

  9. I constantly spent my half an hour to read this web site’s content daily along with a mug
    of coffee.

    Comment by car key systems — May 25, 2017 @ 5:59 pm

  10. Everything is very open with a clear explanation of the challenges.
    It was truly informative. Your site is extremely helpful. Many thanks for sharing!

    Comment by casas em miami — May 26, 2017 @ 12:35 am

  11. Hello! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with SEO?
    I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very
    good gains. If you know of any please share.
    Thank you!

    Comment by Shirley — May 26, 2017 @ 5:51 am

  12. Good information. Lucky me I ran across your
    site by chance (stumbleupon). I’ve book marked it for later!

    Comment by trading stocks — May 27, 2017 @ 1:30 pm

  13. Hello to all, the contents existing at this web page are actually awesome for people experience, well, keep up the good work fellows.

    Comment by leave important — May 27, 2017 @ 10:55 pm

  14. This page certainly has all the information and facts I
    wanted about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.

    Comment by Susana — May 29, 2017 @ 2:59 am

  15. Excellent way of describing, and pleasant paragraph to
    get information concerning my presentation subject matter, which i am going to
    deliver in institution of higher education.

    Comment by global resorts networks — May 29, 2017 @ 5:59 pm

  16. Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve visited your blog before but after going through many of the articles
    I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely pleased I discovered it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back regularly!

    Comment by Humberto — May 30, 2017 @ 11:18 am

  17. excellent publish, very informative. I’m wondering why the other specialists of this sector do not understand this.
    You must continue your writing. I’m confident, you’ve a huge
    readers’ base already!

    Comment by make money — June 3, 2017 @ 3:42 pm

  18. Howdy! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4!
    Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!
    Carry on the outstanding work!

    Comment by Albert — June 7, 2017 @ 3:36 am

  19. Link exchange is nothing else but it is only placing the other person’s webpage link on your page
    at suitable place and other person will also do
    same in support of you.

    Comment by car computer exchange — June 10, 2017 @ 11:33 pm

  20. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something that I think I
    would never understand. It seems too complex
    and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

    Comment by family court determines — June 12, 2017 @ 8:44 pm

  21. I am not sure where you’re getting your information, but good topic.
    I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more.
    Thanks for wonderful information I was looking for this info for my mission.

    Comment by car computer exchange — June 13, 2017 @ 3:03 am

  22. wh0cd949618 [url=http://buycafergot50.top/]cafergot[/url] [url=http://buycitalopram-2015.gdn/]buy citalopram[/url] [url=http://buyadvair911.top/]buy advair[/url] [url=http://furosemide2012.gdn/]furosemide[/url]

    Comment by BennyObeda — June 13, 2017 @ 8:22 pm

  23. Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you’re a great
    author. I will be sure to bookmark your blog and definitely will come back later on. I want to encourage one to continue your great work, have
    a nice weekend!

    Comment by make money — June 14, 2017 @ 7:29 pm

  24. Do you have any video of that? I’d love to find out more details.

    Comment by best hair — June 15, 2017 @ 5:06 pm

  25. Spot on with this write-up, I really feel this amazing site needs a
    great deal more attention. I’ll probably be back again to see more, thanks for
    the advice!

    Comment by money centers offer — June 16, 2017 @ 12:02 am

  26. I’m not sure exactly why but this weblog is loading extremely slow for me.
    Is anyone else having this problem or is it a issue on my end?

    I’ll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.

    Comment by business security — June 16, 2017 @ 12:38 am

  27. This site was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something which
    helped me. Thanks a lot!

    Comment by diy divorces possible — June 16, 2017 @ 7:08 am

  28. hello there and thank you for your info – I have certainly picked
    up something new from right here. I did however expertise several technical issues using this site, since I
    experienced to reload the website a lot of times previous to I could get it
    to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK?
    Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will sometimes
    affect your placement in google and could damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords.
    Anyway I am adding this RSS to my email and can look
    out for a lot more of your respective fascinating content.
    Make sure you update this again very soon.

    Comment by car remotes — June 16, 2017 @ 7:22 am

  29. I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be what precisely I’m
    looking for. Do you offer guest writers to write content available for you?
    I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on a lot of the
    subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome blog!

    Comment by car computer exchange — June 16, 2017 @ 11:03 am

  30. Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I definitely enjoyed reading it, you are a great author.

    I will make certain to bookmark your blog and will eventually come back in the foreseeable future.
    I want to encourage one to continue your great job,
    have a nice evening!

    Comment by http://cpacerritos.com/ — June 17, 2017 @ 8:14 am

  31. Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your
    web site, how could i subscribe for a blog web site?
    The account helped me a acceptable deal. I were tiny bit familiar of this your broadcast provided vibrant
    clear concept

    Comment by Anastasia — June 22, 2017 @ 1:55 am

  32. Thank you, I’ve just been searching for info about this subject for a while and yours is the best I’ve
    discovered so far. However, what in regards to the bottom
    line? Are you sure about the source?

    Comment by ru.vtb.am — June 22, 2017 @ 2:49 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.


blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez


Powered by WordPress