Big To Do
About Us

“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

December 5, 2012

Age: I hate myself for not being younger

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:57 am

On the prowl on November 30, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

When I was in my teens, twenties, and thirties, I always dated men quite a bit older than myself (10-20 yrs). Now that I am “older,” I am not attracted to men my age or older. I am attracted to men mostly in their 30’s (sometimes younger). The problem is, even though I feel like their equal agewise, I realize that through their eyes I am probably “old.” If I care about them a lot, I will end up spending money on them (because I enjoy it, and men spent money on me when I was the young one), but what is happening is I am being used. I kind of know it all along, but I enjoy them and care about them and I think I try to believe they are not really using me…although they are. This really hurts me. I am starting to hate myself for not being younger. It is so frustrating when you feel a certain age inside but you’re actually 20 years older than that and no one really understands. I get a lot of flack from my grown children. (They are only a few years younger than the men I seem to choose, and they are horrified at my behavior.) So here I am again, being used and I have to face it and move on, my children are again outraged and embarrassed by me, and for the life of me I cannot feel turned on thinking of a man my age, much less older than I. It’s like I never changed inside since my late twenties. I still feel the same way. I do look good for the age I am, thank God. In fact I probably look 8 or 9 years younger than I am. (The problem is, the men I choose are more like 20 years younger than I am.) Do you think this will pass, or, if it doesn’t, that there are some men who will not use me and will actually feel about me like I do about them? I doubt it, but I thought I’d ask. Also, do you think my kids are justified in coming down so hard on me? They are both married and have families of their own. I put up with their rebelliousness when they were teens, but now it seems they want to parent me. ( They are really stricter on me than I ever was on them.) Is there something wrong with me? Or should I just go get some plastic surgery and a fake ID and move away so no one knows what I’m doing? I’m not ready for the rocking chair yet. Thanks for listening.

— Mad

Dear Mad,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: the knife is not the answer.

Nor, in your case, is the rocking chair.

The operative metonymy here, I think, is: the fountain of youth. The key here is not strictly that you’re drawn to younger men (I love that Leo, and the RA on Felicity, and I’m not ashamed!), but rather that you “cannot feel turned on thinking of a man [your] age, much less older.” Why? ‘Cause they’re … old? …Like you? Do you see your reflection in them? I know you say you “look good for your age,” but/so again, I ask you: when you date these guys, do you see your “real” age looking back? And when you, in your dotage, dote on younger men, does it make you feel like Girlfriend’s still got it?

Or does it? You say you’re “attracted” to these younguns — which is, mathematically speaking, not necessarily a problem — but, well, it doesn’t sound like you’re having that much fun with them. Sounds to me like you’re picking up Pool Boy, paying for him, and then saying, “See, he’s using me!” Hmm. First of all, just because a nice boy says, “Sure, wow, I’d love to accept your kind and generous invitation to The Fancy Place!” doesn’t mean he’s using you. You might miss someone sweet if you leap to this conclusion. Second, just because he’s young doesn’t mean he can’t afford stuff. These people are younger than you, Mad, but they are not children. 30s, or even 20s, is plenty old enough for someone to say, “Hey babe, Chuck E. Cheese is on me.”

So there is some sort of weird benzene in this fountain (Yes, I’ve been reading A Civil Action. Recommended.). If you’d written to tell me that you’re dating a man 20 years your junior and you’d never been happier, more loved, more fulfilled, more balanced, more yourself, I’d say, “And your problem is …???” But again: your pursuits are not making you happy. More to the point, they are hardly making you feel youthful. In fact, I think they make you feel “horrified and embarrassed.” I know you said your kids say that, but — and I may be overstepping my non-psychologist bounds here — I suspect that that was code for how you feel. My guess is that your kids just want their mom to be happy. And for some reason, mom doesn’t want to. So here’s my sip from the fountain for you: I don’t care how old your dates are. Neither should you. Care about this: does he love and respect you as an equal, no matter how much dinner cost? Did he pay the next time? Do you have fun together? Do you toss a million outfits on your floor before your date, and then wind up going back to the first one? Do you feel like passing notes about him in class? Do you get all tingly and giggly — dare I say girlish — when he calls?

And then do you feel young?


Breakup Girl


  1. I burst out laughing when Mad said, “It is so frustrating when you feel a certain age inside but you’re actually 20 years older than that and no one really understands.”

    Almost EVERYONE feels younger inside than they actually are.

    But what strikes me most is Mad’s immaturity. The belief that “no one really understands” is juvenile. (It’s something I repeatedly said as a teenager, and something that I’ve heard numerous teenagers say since.)

    And there are additional indications of immaturity. As a man, I paid for all the dates with a number of my less-affluent (and sometimes younger) girlfriends. When they broke up with me, I considered that to be “dating”. I did not belive the women were “using me”.

    For anyone who feels like they’re in Mad’s position (in their 50s but looking like their in their 40s and feeling like they’re still in their late 20s), I’d recommend that they date other 50-year-olds. Those are the people who feel *exactly* the same way.

    Comment by Karl R — December 5, 2012 @ 11:40 am

  2. I’ve been exploring for a bit for any high quality articles or weblog
    posts in this kind of house . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this
    web site. Reading this info So i am satisfied to express that I
    have an incredibly just right uncanny feeling I found out exactly what I needed.
    I most definitely will make sure to do not put out of your
    mind this website and provides it a glance on a continuing basis.

    Comment by cheap windows vps — January 5, 2015 @ 1:47 pm

  3. I like the helpful info you provide in your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your weblog and test again here regularly.
    I am quite sure I will be told many new stuff proper right
    here! Best of luck for the following!

    Comment by cheap cctv — April 17, 2016 @ 6:54 am

  4. http://elimite2.us/ – Elimite http://buymobic.info/ – buy mobic

    Comment by ashomj9xikm — September 17, 2016 @ 4:31 pm

  5. Howdy! I simply would like to offer you a big thumbs up for your great information you
    have got here on this post. I’ll be returning to your web site for more soon.

    Comment by Clarissa — October 13, 2016 @ 2:44 pm

  6. I blog frequently and I genuinely appreciate
    your content. This great article has truly peaked my
    interest. I will book mark your website and keep checking for new details about once per week.
    I opted in for your Feed too.

    Comment by newborn passport — October 17, 2016 @ 12:16 am

  7. Can I simply say what a comfort to discover somebody
    who truly understands what they’re talking about on the web.
    You definitely understand how to bring a problem to light and make it
    important. More and more people really need to check this out
    and understand this side of your story. I can’t believe you’re not more popular given that
    you definitely possess the gift.

    Comment by babies passports — October 18, 2016 @ 12:56 am

  8. Very shortly this website will be famous among all blog people, due to
    it’s pleasant articles or reviews

    Comment by Indira — October 18, 2016 @ 7:19 pm

  9. Your style is really unique in comparison to other
    people I have read stuff from. Thanks for posting when you have the
    opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this site.

    Comment by credit repair scams — October 20, 2016 @ 1:47 am

  10. I’m really enjoying the theme/design of your website. Do you ever
    run into any web browser compatibility issues? A small number
    of my blog visitors have complained about my
    blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome.
    Do you have any advice to help fix this problem?

    Comment by cheat 4 games — October 21, 2016 @ 2:58 am

  11. This design is incredible! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained.
    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved
    to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job.
    I really loved what you had to say, and more than that,
    how you presented it. Too cool!

    Comment by Millard — April 22, 2017 @ 11:55 pm

  12. Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.

    Look advanced to more added agreeable from you!
    By the way, how can we communicate?

    Comment by Itamar Serpa Fernandes — April 23, 2017 @ 5:06 am

  13. Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon on a daily basis.
    It will always be interesting to read content from other writers and use a little
    something from other sites.

    Comment by recover data — April 23, 2017 @ 7:41 am

  14. Hi there, after reading this amazing post i am as
    well happy to share my knowledge here with mates.

    Comment by Itamar Serpa Fernandes — April 23, 2017 @ 2:07 pm

  15. wh0cd295261 cialis generic

    Comment by Phyllismaype — April 24, 2017 @ 5:44 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.


blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez


Powered by WordPress