Age: I’m 16, he’s 33, and yet people can’t accept our love which, by the way, he wants to keep a secret
That ain’t right on November 30, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I would just like to start by saying you have a brilliant page here…..
Well I’m 16 and I am dating a 33 year old man. We have been together for 5 months nearly. But the problem is not me or him, it’s everyone else. No one I know can understand or accept it. They all believe he is using me and that he doesn’t care for me. I don’t know what to think anymore because it feels as if both sides are brainwashing me. I believe he does care for me, and pray that he wouldn’t be just using me, as I lost my virginity to this man.
I sometimes hope I am not with him just so I can feel special and wanted, becuase he definitely makes me feel good about myself. My mother doesn’t know, but my friend’s can’t praise me for him anyway.
The only major problem in this relationship is that he wants it to be a secret…he doesn’t want other people knowing of it, and when we meet each other it’s always in secret, non-populated areas. Plus I must admit all he wants to do all the time is talk about sex and when we will be doing it next. But he always tells me he loves me. I’m so confused…
I just want to know is there anyway that this man could really be in love with me?
— Feeling Used
Bad news, then good news. Ready?
Bad news: this one’s actually not about age difference, though you may think that’s why folks can’t “accept” it. Here it comes, kiddo: 10 to 1, he’s married.
Good news: you’re not with him just so you can feel special and wanted. Because you don’t feel that way. Because if you did, you wouldn’t have written. Because I’m hoping that sneaking behind the barn with some guy who hasn’t asked you your opinion on campaign finance reform lately is not your idea of feeling special and wanted.
Here’s the logic that’s tripping you up, according to our wise Belleruth. You think:
1. I would lose my virginity only in a really special relationship. And:
2. I lost my virginity in this relationship. Therefore:
3. This must be a really special relationship.
You see how that goes? Now that these wires are exposed, see if you can untangle yourself from them.
Hang on, here’s more good news: you don’t have to decide is he or isn’t he, does he or doesn’t he. What-EVER. What you do have to decide is: Is this what I want? Cause Feeling, what if you could be dating a guy who would walk into a room — a brightly lit, crowded room — with you and say (even just imply), “Hey, everyone, this is my superfly girlfriend who makes a huge difference in my life, sex- and otherwise. She rules. I am so proud and fortunate to be with her!” Think about it. What if you could date a guy you could show off to your mom? Think about it. What if you could date a guy who could bond with your friends (’cause they’re, like, peers)? Think about it. ‘Cause sweetie, here’s the best news of all: you don’t even know what good is. Now go get it.
PS: If you’re nervous about actually doing the breakup deed, write me back, okay?
PPS: Even though I said it only in passing, I meant it: pick on someone your own age. For one thing, don’t just absorb what all those old — and recent — movies tell you: that way younger women with way older men is, like, normal, even cool. Apparently, Meryl Streep once said: “Hollywood must stop feeding the myth that it’s a good fantasy for a girl to want to grow up, stop eating and at 25, marry a 60 year old and have a fabulous 10 years escorting him into his dotage. That’s a time honored fantasy for him. What’s hers?” Yeah. What’s yours?