Big To Do
About Us

“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

January 22, 2013

Ultimatum Frisbee: Cut or Clear?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:35 am

UltimatumsIn the game of ultimate frisbee, people who stay to the middle of the field and lead the charge instead of breaking long for the throw are Handlers. As they do so, handlers might yell “Cut or clear!” — which basically means “get open for a pass, or get out of the way!” In ultimate, this admonition is generally considered obvious and annoying. In life, however, we are often entitled to yell, “get open to commitment, or clear your things out of my drawer!”

But when? What’s the middle ground between blind faith and brute force? How can you tell the difference between Not Ready Yet and Will Never Be? Will the act of pushing drive someone away?

Tough calls, all. And they’re pretty much case by case. But I will tell you this … though you’re not going to want to hear it. An ultimatum — if you choose to use one — is not about getting someone to do something. It is not bouncing the ball into the other person’s court — that is, out of your hands. It is not a tactic, not a strategy, not a plan. It is not setting a pick. An ultimatum is a statement of your purpose. It is, ultimately, your responsibility. Because, ultimately, your partner is going to do whatever s/he is going to do. YOU are the one who has to come through.

Remember what I told Cameo (who couldn’t get her boyfriend of 8 years to “commit” — nor her biological clock of 28 years to stop ticking)?

I told her to walk.

I told her, that is, to walk this way: “I don’t mean that you should say, ‘I’m walking out if you don’t commit! Look at me! Here I go! Yoo-hoo! I’m walking! I am so walking … sort of near that door! Waaaaalking! Watch me go…!’ I also don’t mean walk out the door, and then walk by his house ten minutes later to see if he’s committed ‘yet.’ I mean: walk.

What, does Breakup Girl believe that a relationship don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that ring? No. Does she want to promote the stereotype that a girl’s best friend is all a woman wants, needs, and hopes for? No. [First of all, I’d give the same advice to a guy. Second of all: ] I’m just going with what you’re telling me: that marriage and babies are what you want, and that they may not, alas, be available in your current (eight-year!) relationship. You can’t ‘get him to commit;’ go get what you want with someone who wants the same thing. And the thing is — I hesitate to say this, because I am in NO way advocating game-playing — but, well, when you walk, this guy just might realize that he is that someone.” In which case, I should add, you may walk — carefully — back.

This is just one example. I am not advocating some sort of mass walkout. I am just saying that — again — if commitment is what you want, you’ve got to demonstrate it, too…whereever it may leave you.

But in determining whether an ultimatum is necessary in the first place, you’ve got to break deep for a view of the whole field. In this month’s issue of New Woman, Dalma Heyn writes about her friend Jen, whose boyfriend kept talking about how scary closeness was. “Yet there he was at [Jen’s] place, doing the dishes, fixing the washing machine, loving [her] in the most obvious way. Instead of pointing out the discrepancy, Jen let him talk. [She’d] say, ‘Mmm, closeness is scary.’ … [She] didn’t jump on him or insist that he commit. [She knew] he just had these residual fears to work through. While tiling the kitchen floor, he announced casually that these tiles were so durable they’d last as long as their marriage did.” They were engaged before the grout dried. Huh.

See, in a sense, waiting can be as active as walking. If you actually think s/he will come around eventually, back off. If you really aren’t sure, get on his/her back. As long as you’re sure that you are prepared to make the ultimate commitment.

This column was originally published December 7, 1998.

No Comments »

  1. Get Your App Seen, Notic increase app installs ed & Loved. Free Download Goes Step-By-Step! Drive 5 star reviews,increase app installs, massive downloads, and satisfying revenue. Contact for some professional suggestions and service!

    Comment by mobile app optimization — July 6, 2016 @ 12:36 am

  2. Cheats for Castle Age HD. Use our Che game of war packs? ats, Tips, Walkthroughs,game of war packs?, FAQs, and Guides to get the edge you need to win big, or unlock achievements and trophies.Find the castle age hd army codes on cocgems.com!

    Comment by buying gold game of war — July 7, 2016 @ 2:46 am

  3. Bo buy coc gems cheap? om Beach gold and diamond cheats and all of the Boom Beach strategies and cheats you need to get more gold and diamonds,buy coc gems cheap?! Here you will find all the infomation about the game and buy Boom Beach diamonds with cheap prices and instant delivery!

    Comment by buy Taichi Panda diamonds — July 7, 2016 @ 2:47 am

  4. Summoners War Sky Arena cheat is now clash of clans gems for sale? ready to add Unlimited Mana,clash of clans gems for sale?, Glory Points, Crystals Now you can have it all in your possession.

    Comment by buy game of war packs cheap — July 7, 2016 @ 2:53 am

  5. nice article,it is useful to me and others to know about this items,please just keep it….
    Wholesale Oakley dispatch II sunglasses navy blue grey iridium outlet http://www.fleetsale.ru/oakley-dispatch-ii-sunglasses-026.html

    Comment by Wholesale Oakley dispatch II sunglasses navy blue grey iridium outlet — July 12, 2016 @ 4:11 am

  6. archnesses

    Comment by AXrkclmk — July 12, 2016 @ 3:11 pm

  7. woodchats

    Comment by OZbaumvg — July 13, 2016 @ 1:33 pm

  8. Hi there i am kavin, its my first time to
    commenting anywhere, when i read this article i thought i
    could also make comment due to this sensible post.

    Feel free to visit my web blog: KashaHRily

    Comment by KashaHRily — July 13, 2016 @ 3:42 pm

  9. philanthropizing

    Comment by PFumrvng — July 14, 2016 @ 2:54 am

  10. I am truly glad to glance at this internet site posts which includes plenty of
    helpful information, i appreciate you providing these
    kinds of information.

    Look at my weblog – KazukoGLopez

    Comment by KazukoGLopez — July 14, 2016 @ 6:33 pm

  11. sasan

    Comment by DKqcaqcf — July 14, 2016 @ 9:56 pm

  12. i miss doug, that was an awosme show, and rockos modern life too
    cartier rotonde or blanc http://www.repliquemontrecartier.com/rotonde-de-cartier-serie-des-lignes-audacieuses/

    Comment by cartier rotonde or blanc — July 15, 2016 @ 5:33 am

  13. infidelistic
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/olympic-canada-c-2356_2360/team-canada-2014-olympic-5-dan-hamhuis-red-stitched-nhl-jersey-p-50658.html – Team Canada 2014 Olympic #5 Dan Hamhuis Red Stitched NHL Jersey
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/new-york-mets-c-2010_2140/mlb-jerseys-new-york-mets-55-young-white-blue-strip-p-31286.html – MLB Jerseys New York Mets 55 Young white blue strip
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/dallas-cowboys-c-1548_1558/nike-cowboys-90-jay-ratliff-white-mens-nfl-elite-jersey-p-20780.html – Nike Cowboys #90 Jay Ratliff White Mens NFL Elite Jersey
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/miami-heat-c-2004_2019/nba-jerseys-miami-heat-1-bosh-black-orange-number-fans-p-28056.html – NBA Jerseys Miami Heat 1 Bosh black orange number Fans
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/chargers-mens-tshirts-c-1_49_101_102/nike-nfl-san-diego-chargers-classic-shorts-dark-blue-p-53350.html – Nike NFL San Diego Chargers Classic Shorts Dark Blue
    http://www.topnflteamjerseys.top/boston-red-sox-c-2010_2130/mlb-jerseys-boston-red-sox-31-lester-grey-p-30905.html – MLB Jerseys Boston Red Sox 31 Lester grey

    Comment by Xaviersync — July 16, 2016 @ 12:18 pm

  14. Many are our Third Smart Balance Wheel http://www.fashionhoverboard.com. I love these since they are simple to deliver, they could be used with the help of everything so are thus model, in particular on the subject of some of those unique weeks. Most definitely i’ll purchase a different couple…solely deciding upon a color. Short navy using navy single as opposed to chestnut conceivably??

    Comment by Smart Balance Wheel — July 17, 2016 @ 3:42 am

  15. intermediae

    Comment by ATindtlb — July 17, 2016 @ 9:20 pm

  16. mastodons

    Comment by HToxpyfg — July 18, 2016 @ 1:35 pm

  17. 特に、オシャレ大好きの皆様には間違いなく注目度MAXのアイテムです。さらに、このヴィトンコピーは素敵だけでなく、履く心地が快適です。
    j12 クロノグラフ スーパーコピー ヴィトン http://www.gowatchs.com/brand-201.html

    Comment by j12 クロノグラフ スーパーコピー ヴィトン — July 22, 2016 @ 3:50 am

  18. albuterol inhaler clindamycin gel topical cephalexin 250 mg vermox 100mg

    Comment by ashoms8eubl — July 24, 2016 @ 8:10 am

  19. ribgrass http://www.hitcashnow.com/

    Comment by HLywzpgh — July 25, 2016 @ 2:45 am

  20. caverta bystolic prednisone

    Comment by ashomr5qp60 — July 28, 2016 @ 2:24 am

  21. cleocin gel buy tenormin ordering propanalol zovirax cream

    Comment by ashom6l55tu — July 31, 2016 @ 7:46 pm

  22. buy zyprexa online buy cafergot strattera

    Comment by ashomsbehmp — August 4, 2016 @ 2:11 pm

  23. Surprisingly article,it is useful to me and others,please just keep it….

    Comment by small ray bans aviator — August 18, 2016 @ 2:01 pm

  24. Buy the cheapest Brandon Williams jersey cheap and
    give closeout motocross jerseys free,recommend best quality jerseys of
    star, world brand soprts jerseys.

    Comment by Brandon Williams jersey cheap — August 22, 2016 @ 6:57 am

  25. albuterol mobic 7.5 tab levitra cost propecia lasix 40 mg

    Comment by ashomjiim27 — August 28, 2016 @ 11:18 am

  26. http://propecia-generic.webcam/ – propecia http://buycalan.trade/ – calan http://retinaa.science/ – retin-a http://stromectol-online.science/ – how much does ivermectin cost http://citalopram-40mg.webcam/ – citalopram 40 mg tablets

    Comment by ashomhhlszl — August 29, 2016 @ 12:31 pm

  27. work from home benefits pussy cam online job resume chat with sluts online for free how to make quick money in one day

    Comment by ashom2hm12f — August 31, 2016 @ 3:50 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.


blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez


Powered by WordPress