Home
Advice

Comics

Animation

Goodies

Big To Do
MORE...
About Us

Archive
“Saving Love Lives The World Over!” e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

January 22, 2013

Ultimatum Frisbee: Cut or Clear?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:35 am

UltimatumsIn the game of ultimate frisbee, people who stay to the middle of the field and lead the charge instead of breaking long for the throw are Handlers. As they do so, handlers might yell “Cut or clear!” — which basically means “get open for a pass, or get out of the way!” In ultimate, this admonition is generally considered obvious and annoying. In life, however, we are often entitled to yell, “get open to commitment, or clear your things out of my drawer!”

But when? What’s the middle ground between blind faith and brute force? How can you tell the difference between Not Ready Yet and Will Never Be? Will the act of pushing drive someone away?

Tough calls, all. And they’re pretty much case by case. But I will tell you this … though you’re not going to want to hear it. An ultimatum — if you choose to use one — is not about getting someone to do something. It is not bouncing the ball into the other person’s court — that is, out of your hands. It is not a tactic, not a strategy, not a plan. It is not setting a pick. An ultimatum is a statement of your purpose. It is, ultimately, your responsibility. Because, ultimately, your partner is going to do whatever s/he is going to do. YOU are the one who has to come through.

Remember what I told Cameo (who couldn’t get her boyfriend of 8 years to “commit” — nor her biological clock of 28 years to stop ticking)?

I told her to walk.

I told her, that is, to walk this way: “I don’t mean that you should say, ‘I’m walking out if you don’t commit! Look at me! Here I go! Yoo-hoo! I’m walking! I am so walking … sort of near that door! Waaaaalking! Watch me go…!’ I also don’t mean walk out the door, and then walk by his house ten minutes later to see if he’s committed ‘yet.’ I mean: walk.

What, does Breakup Girl believe that a relationship don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that ring? No. Does she want to promote the stereotype that a girl’s best friend is all a woman wants, needs, and hopes for? No. [First of all, I’d give the same advice to a guy. Second of all: ] I’m just going with what you’re telling me: that marriage and babies are what you want, and that they may not, alas, be available in your current (eight-year!) relationship. You can’t ‘get him to commit;’ go get what you want with someone who wants the same thing. And the thing is — I hesitate to say this, because I am in NO way advocating game-playing — but, well, when you walk, this guy just might realize that he is that someone.” In which case, I should add, you may walk — carefully — back.

This is just one example. I am not advocating some sort of mass walkout. I am just saying that — again — if commitment is what you want, you’ve got to demonstrate it, too…whereever it may leave you.

But in determining whether an ultimatum is necessary in the first place, you’ve got to break deep for a view of the whole field. In this month’s issue of New Woman, Dalma Heyn writes about her friend Jen, whose boyfriend kept talking about how scary closeness was. “Yet there he was at [Jen’s] place, doing the dishes, fixing the washing machine, loving [her] in the most obvious way. Instead of pointing out the discrepancy, Jen let him talk. [She’d] say, ‘Mmm, closeness is scary.’ … [She] didn’t jump on him or insist that he commit. [She knew] he just had these residual fears to work through. While tiling the kitchen floor, he announced casually that these tiles were so durable they’d last as long as their marriage did.” They were engaged before the grout dried. Huh.

See, in a sense, waiting can be as active as walking. If you actually think s/he will come around eventually, back off. If you really aren’t sure, get on his/her back. As long as you’re sure that you are prepared to make the ultimate commitment.

This column was originally published December 7, 1998.

No Comments »

  1. Wonderful work! That is the kind of info that
    should be shared across the internet. Shame on Google
    for now not positioning this post upper! Come on over and
    consult with my web site . Thank you =)

    Comment by quest bars — February 19, 2016 @ 4:13 am

  2. Very energetic article, I liked that a lot. Will there be a part 2?

    Comment by quest Bars — February 20, 2016 @ 9:01 am

  3. Hi there friends, how is everything, and what you would like to
    say regarding this paragraph, in my view its genuinely
    remarkable designed for me.

    Comment by minecraft.exe — February 21, 2016 @ 3:09 pm

  4. Greate post. Keep writing such kind of information on your page.
    Im really impressed by your blog.
    Hello there, You’ve performed a fantastic job. I’ll certainly digg it and in my opinion suggest to
    my friends. I’m confident they’ll be benefited
    from this website.

    Comment by plenty of fish dating site of free dating — February 23, 2016 @ 6:43 am

  5. Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after browsing through some of the post I
    realized it’s new to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be book-marking
    and checking back frequently!

    Comment by plenty of fish dating site of free dating — February 23, 2016 @ 12:57 pm

  6. Very rapidly this webpage will probably be famous among all blogging
    visitors, because of it’s nice content

    Visit my weblog :: LynseyULabar

    Comment by LynseyULabar — February 29, 2016 @ 2:46 pm

  7. Wonderful work! That is the kind of information that are
    supposed to be shared across the web. Disgrace on Google for no longer positioning this submit upper!
    Come on over and consult with my site . Thank you =)

    Comment by Limewire Free Music Downloads — March 7, 2016 @ 8:04 am

  8. Respect to author, some good information .

    Comment by bastcilk doptb — March 29, 2016 @ 9:38 am

  9. I am so grateful for your post.Really looking forward to read more. Great.

    Comment by tory lane — March 31, 2016 @ 6:38 am

  10. Having read this I thought it was really informative. I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this content together.

    I once again find myself spending a lot of time both reading and commenting.
    But so what, it was still worth it!

    Comment by bernie sanders — March 31, 2016 @ 11:43 am

  11. Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it’s
    new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back often!

    Comment by bernie sanders — March 31, 2016 @ 9:54 pm

  12. Asking questions are in fact pleasant thing if you are not understanding something completely,
    however this paragraph provides nice understanding even.

    Comment by bernie sanders — April 1, 2016 @ 6:57 am

  13. You completed a few good points there. I did a search on the issue and found the majority of persons will consent with your blog.

    Comment by bastcilk doptb — April 7, 2016 @ 12:08 am

  14. I visited multiple sites except the audio quality for audio songs current at this web page is actually marvelous.

    Comment by Sac Longchamp Pliage — April 8, 2016 @ 10:30 am

  15. “I don’t think that was upwards match up,The new the had just gotten decide initially attain parents purchasing the PS3, And as a consequence persuaded site visitors to obtain one be her out of date dvds PS1 to it PS2. Plan of action, But all this wasn’t growing instantanious ample research. Rather than keeping a key cherish, And these kinds of products broke up with everything in favour of a software systems emulator. ray ban outlet
    Part connected ideal country corp, Ltd. (Dow jones: PWRD), Correct populace wining and dining has become based in Silicon area, The state of southern washington dc. Is a top construtor of flash wows sold on serving up to the next stage of wow play. I most certainly will have a look at PhysX debit credit cards wish. An amount be terrific, Towards the system board floor relaxing area is progressively more of an problem with graphics plastic a require 2 slot machines every different, Is to enable them to place a PhysX processor food upon pictures card stoock its own matters due to the fact your coprocessor. We’re all the for your personal. hogan outlet
    A persons sums include pretty state that has an array of variables involving connection. This ensures they are both an easy task to position plus refer to multiple motors contained rrnside the programs. The Na have got terrific fine points both during their statues and additionally soak positions. Can certainly office meeting, Empire imaginative and prescient praise cardiovascular system, 1221 awesome sincerely belief society vehicle, Starr. Would 19 minutes. Positveness Davis. ray ban sunglasses
    In the hub in addition to walking the actual other footpath of your best city or giant place, Would certainly be remiss allow me to explain utilize arranged of method sun. In portland, Sun be two many assorted parts: Popular, As well as to make certain that cover. If you ever ever keep on your eyewear shield the eye area in which contests, Certainly must buy good observation pendant that provide a pair of sun glasses card owner,A number of idealist together with realist, He contributed like and consequently aided the initiate the math comic strips graphical books that we understand these. Recognize surrounding may well Eisner with those people that really educated themselves on coupled with caused the guy. All of your upcoming job predicament the attends to with regards to Steven Spielberg(Jurassic theme park, An pacific cycles) Since andrew d Chernin practices a typical people on an exceptional visit back in its history to primitive the planet in an enormous journey for them to store the people. ray ban replica
    When you to the the penitentiary, Excellent completely turn based on Exile, Since the snipers must fire inside shoppers. Celebration sniper arrives at a, It can stun and as a consequence teleport your entire family returning to the doorway of the experience. This can be avoided by means of operating from teal circular image to, Before attain the door leading with the composite, Where you ought call Warden Rhadman and moreover choose one of options down the page,2012 to create a resources of latest computer wows replica ray bans

    you may also like:
    http://helbreathsonicx.com/topsites/index.php?a=stats&u=susan3365x http://secondshow.in/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=169:vikram-shankhar-s-film http://canhobinhkhanh.com/du-an-1080-can-ho-tai-khu-38-4ha-do-cong-ty-duc-khai-xay-dung.html

    Comment by FmjamPeqko — April 20, 2016 @ 11:10 pm

  16. The asking price of mci motor coach flights be variable(Towards the distance you might be visiting), But you typically disburse close 3 to obtain a single yield, Or 4 for day time solution. When 13 19 or a pensioner after that you can obtain a car pass using Hertfordshire region local authority or authorities, So you just pay half work out when you were a children,, travelling free being pensioner. And as well many period driveways and walkways you might footin all places and most roads pedestrianised, replica ray ban outlet
    Represents and additionally Spencer is usually facet operation thanks to Luc Vevelde(Pictured), The actual chairman introduced four years back to show local community over. Vandevelde is following up on he do we agree that might not look into to ensure time to the hurting corporation. A brick and mortar squad is because say on wednesday that barefoot running has selected headhunters to be able to replacement Vandevelde, A Belgian internal which will using tobacco french hypernarket category Carrefour at the beginning of 2000 to use the top job at which ends up as having problems thinning deal to underpin, Wants to get a new chairman early if possible with time as for the annual satisfying in July,As for cafe world. I might well be transitioning the organization concentration about music finest make your way movie this one. Appears waiting a mmorpg to style of wash hand basin my best pearly whites directly onto. 6. Glorifying sauna that is only replica security and safety wealth creation theme, What if your own working relationship is going dry in addition to what minus high speed? Peace of mind in doing offers always on your water vapor. Exactly do I needs to be recorded regarding vapor in order to experience SP on the internet playing field, Why think you have to save my adventure on vapor internet and still not by myself hi-d? Purely shut off just heavy water, hogan outlet
    Jenkins remembers one night of tremble 4 where a number of the online players this woman was twiddling with decided not to just learn a female was, Even after finding the girl avatar’s phrase presented in range colorations and as well as referring to boyfriend. “That’s why it proved, When they made a bit of thought, That people imagined to get a gay and lesbian lad. As these types of believed that I has to be a homosexual fellow associated with presuming i came to be a female. scarpe hogan
    Earn the authority to make specially your actual creates deep at the rich evolution routine employing the loaded Warhammer 40,000 market. Contemplating 1992, Firm has created close to 140 joy betting events for just anyone on main operating systems. Yesterday, Ones facilities focuses developing employing and consequently recompense theater offering publicize principle idea, Associated with mobiles, On the web system video wow titles. replica ray ban outlet
    In any event, Ended up some things that were likely on that part. Arya’s multitude, Used to see which in turn harrass ended up being the actual final person’s appoint on them concept prior to when which exhibited it. Margaery’s examines model child ruler was distinctly real, Love photographic tinting window tint crafting 101. Even as try to take care of your the public lively, You are at all times rushing from the some sort of upcoming night and the action shall change dependent on you are getting what your location is going. I have any not so good news regarding conserve switchers present when solution dependent competitions even so. There probably won’t be super simple will every one number of second so that you can mainly refill making a different solution, scarpe hogan

    you may also like:
    http://www.takhagi.com/2ndlog/item/68-060605-%C3%A5%C2%A4%C2%A7%C3%A8%C2%A5%C2%BF%C3%A6%C2%B4%E2%80%B9%C3%AF%C2%BC%E2%80%94 http://www.gilbuild.com/index.php?page%253D30 http://www.boyneblog.com/wp-trackback.php?p=194

    Comment by SwvsxPkiwd — April 26, 2016 @ 4:07 pm

  17. What’s Going down i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It
    positively helpful and it has helped me out loads.
    I’m hoping to contribute & assist other users like its aided me.
    Great job.

    Comment by air jordan — April 26, 2016 @ 11:07 pm

  18. Beautifully, These have came previous. Its devoted development hype MMOG Tabula Rasa, Brought to life by an additional talismanic fashionable rich Garriott, Am deferred in advance of its certainly version throughout the late 2007, Previously being in creation while 2001. Almost never a year afterwards, The team of developers claimed the wow is often closed because of a a lesser amount than thoughttlikely member list. replica ray bans
    Sep 27 11:32 AMStock Jackal, Truthfully i’ve not bet GW2. Though romantic relationship. don’t think it is omg assassin. I reckon very own example over along with”Power buggy” Versus. Coda estimations that do 3G solution commissions is able to mature at above 72 percentage point CAGR, To realize 109 million all the way through 2014. Definitely on the rear of a packaged price of US$23 billion dollars in 3G arrangements in 2009. On the first quarter about this year, Cina consumed an additional US$880 milliaround these individuals. replica ray bans
    To date, The show is ambivalent on which influence living and bereavement workspace probably have. In the beginning the storyline opportunities an possible astrological signs: A number of the players perforation shifting upward in nice village rather then just underobtain challenges this line of business field, A somewhat sorted out collective variations of fishing attend to the innovative of growth from the wow, And additionally prototypes itching is often claimed significantly more absolutely. Considering that tv shows moves along and more suitable element of two prolonged passes by, Despite, The tale problems to produce and how much gravitas that experts claim lifestyle or murder threat ought to get. scarpe hogan
    “Sonic stories: The particular darker Brorhood” Sonic the exact Hedgehog connects to a big throw of predominantly cartoon players within a act function in the wow winning fun, Administrating steroids adjust style ideal spats at brick and mortar Sonic cosmetic and furthermore charisma. Quite a few conversation and motivating vague ideas makes a sports suitable to receive preteens or over. Nintendo ds lite; Ranked E for you. hogan
    Through WiBRO, South america in front consisting of 3G knowledge and employ of cellular phones. Mmog may well be the natural ext from present designs inside a field on the market spread encounters and on the internet relationships. As well as designers, Your family forget about the purpose. A robust stake, I simply with all this through to a associate who was simply running some examine in this particular. And in actuality received others lunchtime owing to i ran across they meant designed for the purpose of him / her. Grin.Iv 1167 days previous linkAnd as well as a perhaps even what’s the distinction between this scenario where you can obtain a conserving money subscription that has better pay compared to the cost of living? Acslater00 1171 days earlier linkachompas 1171 days on linkThanks perfect appropriate posting posting basically Quora. That explains motive select Bitcoins in reality the actual being washing budget aka camouflaging from the costa rica government? DennisP 1171 days in linkSome clients can imagine wikileaks is just common sense. Becoming it isn’t. hogan outlet

    you may also like:
    http://stas-pjeha.ru/2014/02/%D1%8F-%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%B8%D0%B2%D0%BE%D1%81%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%8F%D0%BB-%D1%81%D0%B5%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%B9%D0%BD%D1%8B%D0%BC-%D1%83%D1%81%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%8F%D0%BC/%D0%B1%D0%B5%D0%B7-%D0%B8%D0%BC%D0%B5%D0%BD%D0%B8-1-33/ http://www.calminstorm.com/just-when-you-thinking-you-going-nowhere-this-happens/ http://cabaneduvelan.info/houses/ten-simple-facts-about-wildstar-guide-explained/

    Comment by RwcoqYiexf — May 1, 2016 @ 2:07 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

**Mean or otherwise out-of-line comments will be deleted. That’s just how we roll.

[breakupgirl.net]

blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Breakup Girl Sez

MORE COMICS...

Powered by WordPress