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February 12, 2013

Ultimatums: Making my choice

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:35 am

UltimatumsNeurotically freaking on December 7, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Oy! Where to start? Where to start?

I know! I was living with my boyfriend for three and a half years and then he dumped me! HE dumped ME! The nerve.

Things hadn’t been perfect with us for a while. There had been a lot of arguments. He was majorly clinically depressed and wouldn’t deal with it. Everytime I went out with my friends, I knew when I came home he’d pick a fight.

But he LOVED me. And I loved him. When we got together, we had both had crushes on each other for months and hadn’t known it. So when we finally figured it out, there was so much pent up emotion that we moved in with each other within three months.

Granted. Not the healthiest action. We were probably just majorly infatuated. But then we made it work for three years, and I always thought that was validation of our earlier adolescent actions (we’re both mid-twenties.)

But my problem isn’t with the ex. Well, it is, but it isn’t. My problem is with cutie-boy.

Cutie-boy is the older (early 30’s) boy who works in the office suite next door from me. We kept running into each other in the halls. He kept asking me to coffee and I kept forgetting to tell him I had a boyfriend. When I finally told him, cutieboy claimed that coffee wasn’t exactly a betrothal.

So I went and we had a good time, and to cut out a lot of extraneous info, we ended up sneaking into emergency exit stairways at work and making out. Harmless fun. I knew it was wrong, but told myself I was just getting a little attention that my (soon-to-dump-me) boyfriend wasn’t giving.

Well, then the boyfriend dumped me, I lay on the couch for a month, and when I got off of it, I started dating cutie-boy. Cutie-boy is everything I could ask for — charming, beautiful, intelligent, quotes Rumi and Keats, and has one of those gorgeous bodies with rock-hard muscles, but still lean. Plus the sex is great! (sigh) And he seems to really like me.

The problem? He JUST likes me. We’ve been dating for around three months now and he still doesn’t call me his girlfriend (adolescent, but still important). Once or twice a week we go out on a date and then I stay over at his house. We have great conversations. He seems to really like me when we’re together, but when we’re not making plans to get together I don’t really hear from him. He says that he’s was in a serious relationship himself until a year ago, and isn’t ready for anything terribly serious yet.

So herein lies the question (I knew I had one!):

I know I should just be hanging and being single, but here this cutie-boy is, in all his glory, and I really really like him. I liked him enough to cheat on the boyfriend I loved! So is there a chance that a boy who seems to have commitment issues and likes — but isn’t blown away by — a girl could fall in love with her later? Or should I just say too bad this one isn’t going to give me the love I want and call it a day?

Or am I just being a neurotic freak because I figure that if the ex dumped me, and he seemed to love me more than I ever thought it was possible for anyone to love anyone (me!), then how can a guy who starts out so luke-warm ever love me?

Am I making any sense at all? Am I just going to end up on your break-up list? Help me, Breakup Girl, help me!

— Neurotic Freak Girl

Dear NFG,

I’m sure you like Cutie Boy. Especially if he goes around saying things like “unclasps her warmed jewels one by one…” and “When you are with me, we stay up all night talking. / When you are gone, I cannot get to sleep.” Oh! Oh!

But you have to realize the only thing hotter than a Bartlett’s Bon Mot boy is a furtive prebound in a stairwell. There had to be some sort of slowdown when this relationship became “legit” — one that will no doubt make it look poky when compared to the fast-action infatuation you had with the first guy. And for the same reason, don’t base your cutieboy Like-level measurements now on the fact that you cheated with him then.

So here’s where to look: right now, is your relationship more about what you are getting, or what you aren’t? Are you — really — ready for anything “terribly serious?” In other words, your next step should be based not on second-guessing what he might feel and do eventually, but on how content you are now. If you really want to know, though, my gut kind of agrees with yours: he can get to sleep without you. So maybe you shouldn’t lose any more sleep over him.

Breakup Girl


  1. Dear Break up Girl,

    Met this young guy 4 months ago who had just broken up with his Ex of 2yrs and we hit it off right away. BUT we have so many differences (almost like from different planets). But we are truly attracted to each other and care for each other a lot. We do have similiar taste in certain areas but we have nothing in common as far as outdoor activities (hes very active and Im totally so not)……the problem is hes a HUGE flirt and i cant get past that and its been 4 months and hes still deciding whether we are official or not…..leaving me hanging…the right thing to do is cut him loose right? But i kno he does truly care and want to be with me but hes afraid to make a maybe wrong commitment again…what to do? Please advise. THANKS!

    Comment by Jen — February 13, 2013 @ 2:48 pm

  2. Hi Jen,
    So sorry, but here’s the thing — as we state elsewhere on the site, we’re no longer set up to offer individual advice. That said (1) I recommend you browse our advice archives for a situation similar to yours (I’m sure there’s one there!) and (2) I will say this: sounds like you two do have SOMETHING going on. But if SOMETHING is not AWESOME then…well, after 4 months, it should be. Don’t second guess what he’s feeling; stand by what YOU want. And if this isn’t all or most of what you do, then IMO you deserve more.
    That help? A little? I hope?
    Good luck. Love, BreakupGirl

    Comment by Breakup Girl — February 15, 2013 @ 10:44 pm

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