Something missing on December 7, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I hate to need your help — but I can’t admit this to my friends, and I’m beginning to struggle. Okay.
My boyfriend is perfect.
And I don’t care.
Well, it’s not that I don’t care — I do! I think he’s the best! It’s been almost three months (and you’d be so proud, we’ve been going oh-so-slow. I’m 32, he’s 39 and we’ve both been burned before, so there is a certain degree of caution on both sides), and we really *like* each other. And I don’t mean in the like as opposed to love sense, but in the genuine affection sense. It’s kind of scary. This could actually happen, for real, BG. This could *work.*
We’re both really busy at work, so we only see each other on the weekend, but then our dates last for like, ten hours! We talk, we hang out, we go hiking and biking — it’s great. And he *talks* to me! And actually listens, too! And he thinks the same and he’s funny and he works really hard and he loves his dog. And he thinks the absolute world of me.
But I don’t feel like ripping his clothes off. He’s cute, too! And when I close my eyes and he kisses me (and one evening when we’d both had a teensy too much to drink and were silly . . . that was pretty good) … Oh, BG, I’m just a mess. He’s handed me his ego on a silver platter, and I am terrified of hurting him. And I just feel like he deserves *more*. Like a woman that wants to rip his clothes off, maybe.
This is a really good guy, BG. REALLY GOOD. The kind I want to marry. But I don’t know if I can live without that crazy passion, at least every once in a while. Not all the time, but every once in a while, shouldn’t your significant other make you all hot and bothered? Am I asking too much? EVERYTHING else is there, BG. Everything.
Sorry I’m so disjointed and inarticulate, but I’m trying not to edit and hoping you can make sense of it. I really need a clear head and a sense of perspective.
All hail BG.
First of all, three months is not very long, especially if you see each other only on weekends. At this time, I would note your feelings and file them away under “IMPORTANT.” Pull the file in a couple months. If the data is still accurate, consider it along with the following annotations, offered by a wise friend of mine who, several years ago, was in your exact boat — that is, one drifting in lukewarm water.
Here’s what she says: “Oy, vey. I married my best friend and found, two and a half years later, that I couldn’t live without the romance that I initially thought wasn’t important. What a mess.
Basically, all I can say is these two things:
1. Don’t sell yourself short. If you’re already saying “Oh, I can live without….” — you can’t.
2. If you’re not feeling it, I think that means he’s not connecting with you on some level. It’s not just chemical — there’s a willingness to open yourself and be vulnerable/powerful that leads to passion. He may seem to be open and honest, but he may not even know that he’s closed off in that way. It may be possible for someone to break through it, I think — but I couldn’t.”
In other words, the physical zing is not entirely separate from the emotional zang. And it’s okay to be bothered if the hot’s not there. So again, give yourself a little longer to wait out your caution, focus on what is there — and see how it grows, where it goes. If things stay the same, yes, you may need to file him away under “SOOOOO CLOSE.”