e-mail to a friend in need“Skinny” 2: The Thickening
When it came to discussion of last week’s Ask Lynn/MSN letter, “Call me when you’re skinny,” you guys had an appetite for deconstruction. 108 comments so far — thanks, all! — and opinions all over the map.
Not all of them, however, sat well with FOBG Kate Harding. Some highlights from her comment in response:
- “The ignorance about fat people’s lifestyles and abilities on this thread is really pretty astounding. So many people automatically assume this woman is a lazy glutton with limited mobility…We’re going on very little information here, but that doesn’t seem to bother some people, because they hear the word ‘overweight’ and suddenly, they know EVERYTHING.”
- “Dude has every right not to date a fat woman if that’s not what floats his boat — just as we all have a right to our own attractions and dealbreakers…So those of you who don’t want to date fat people can rest easy — no one will ever force you to — but you might want to reconsider your assumptions about how hard it is for fat people to find love in the absence of your approval.”
- “Fat is not a romantic death sentence. It only means you don’t get to date people who don’t want to date fat people. Which works out just fine for everyone.”
But the divine Ms. Harding was only getting started.
Our post, we’re happy to note, helped inspire this inspired rant over at her blog. Here’s one gem among many:
Attraction is weird and unpredictable and dependent on about 8 zillion variables. If it were actually based on a list of identifiable characteristics, we could all just walk around comparing lists with each other until each of us found a perfect match. And I don’t know, maybe that’s how some people actually do it — the people who have strict rules about only dating thin, white blondes or tall, rich guys with full heads of hair. The people who think about potential romantic partners in terms of how others will see them, not in terms of what they see. But the rest of us just have to stumble around and wait for the zing!
The waiting can suck, if you prefer being in a relationship. It can suck a lot. But the zing! does not depend on thinness or whiteness or blondeness or tallness or richness or haired-ness. It depends on the time, place, and person, on a host of things you can’t control, and on another host of things you can’t even consciously recognize. That is the reality, people.”
Yum. Go read the rest.
[...] of deconstruction, here’s a piece from Sunday’s New York Times Book Review: At least since Dante’s [...]
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If there’s anything that comes close to being a universal standard of beauty, it’s confidence. People who exude confidence look better.
My current girlfriend is a short, curvy brunette with unruly hair and glasses. She never wears makeup. She also has the kind of positive self-image that you’d expect a supermodel to have. (It’s not that she thinks she should be a supermodel. She’s just confident that she looks great exactly how she is.)
And because of that confidence, she’s one damn sexy woman.
Forget your weight. Become satisfied with the way you look right now.
Zing!
Comment by Karl R — April 2, 2008 @ 9:33 am
I’ve seen men date absolutely stupid and lazy women, just because they are thin and look good on their arms or are slutty. The idea of Trophy Dates is becoming more and more socially acceptable. Listen to a Top 40’s radio station.. most of the men-sung songs talk about how beautiful she is (of course she’s a 10) and not that she is smart or good to him. The women’s songs are mostly about how he treats her and how good looking she has to be for him… Even April Levine has a song about getting a better looking girlfriend and beats up the average looking girlfriend. Even TV reflects this: how many ugly or average-looking men on TV have really pretty or younger wives/girlfriends?? take one night of TV and chart how many men are average or below in looks and have prettier or younger SO’s.
Reply with your findings..
Comment by Michelle — April 14, 2008 @ 10:22 am
I spent 3 years with a man who knew me for 10 years prior to us dating. My weight had never been an issue for him, until he hooked up with another blast from the past. The funny thing is, his brother, who is 19 years my senior, and I had become fast friends. After the break up, we went out as friends and discovered quickly that there was way more to the relationship than just friends. He had never gone out with anyone “my size” before and I never would have contemplated going out with someone so much “more mature”. People are entitled to their prejudices and we all have them. The thing is, our prejudices often stand in the way of our happiness. We are getting married in the fall. We have been together for more than 2 years and still are shocked at how in tune we are. I go to call him, and he is already dialing my number. It’s beyond words what I feel for this man. His brother crushed my spirit, broke my heart, and destroyed my ego. He also made it possible for me to take a hard look at who I was before him, how strong I am as a person, how much I have to offer, and for me to meet my soul mate. I am not a child, far from it. I have been through the fires in failed relationships. I finally realized that I was looking for all the wrong things. It is far better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong someone, or someone who makes you question your own worth. I am concerned about my weight and I battle it daily, for my own health, not because some abstract person with issues of their own makes me focus on them. I wake up every morning to how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I don’t know of a soul that ever lost a pound because they were told to call back when they lose a few pounds. My response to that has always been the same, I can diet but you’re pretty much stuck with those failing brain cells. Shallow minds beget shallow relationships.
Comment by tanya — April 29, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
If you notice, the woman never says HOW overwieght she is. Men and women see weight very differently. So many of my female friends would describe themselves as a little curvy or something and, in reality, they are simply fat. Everyone is assuming she only has a few to lose. If that were the case, I think he would have stuck around.
Hey, I’m losing my hair. I understand for some (meaning MOST) women that is a problem, but I don’t whine and cry about it. It’s not something I can control. So, I make sure I lead a healthy lifestyle, work out, have a job I enjoy and have a variety of interests. I simply maximize the things I can control. Being overweight, for the most part, is a choice. I know genes play an important part but for the VAST majority it is due to an unhealthy lifestyle. I didn’t say lazy. In todays world it’s not always easy to balance work, health, family and whatever else is on your plate.
For me, I couldn’t date a fat chick simply because it does not reflect my lifestyle. It has nothing do do with “conditioning” as was suggested in the reply. Just a matter of taste.
Comment by jason — April 29, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
Jason - you don’t mention your age, so I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here….and sssuming you are very young (and just losing your hair early!) I can’t imagine an adult actually stating that “I couldn’t date a fat chick simply because it does not reflect my lifestyle”…..what, girlfriend as accessory? Really? Hmmm.
I’ve been amazed when reading profiles on dating sites; so many men are looking for Barbie, and that’s their choice of course. However, when you view their pics ya gotta wonder what on earth they think Barbie is going to see in them - frequently overweight, just plain scary looking, unemployed, you name it. The assumption seems to be that if you have that Y chromosome it’s all you need. Puzzling.
Comment by Sunny — April 29, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
Simply. Not everybody is a jock like you.
You do realise that everyone has different ways of dealing with weight and other appearance issues that we all face in life. It sounds like you work out and maintain “a variety of interests” to make up for what is presumed a minus, a hairline.
But I believe the whole point of the story is that we should change ourselves just to please someone, whether it be dieting, or pretending that you like hockey. By all means, following your advice to live a healthy style is beneficial in itself.
But realise that not everyone can just run a few laps around the neighborhood and look like their new beau’s dream woman. Some girls just have a bigger built and no matter how they diet, they still won’t satisfy the standards of some men out there.
I’m from Hong Kong (where any average Amercian woman would be considered ‘fat’ because Asians are smaller in general), and seeing that the dieting craze has caused most women in my city to take diet pills and “body sculpting machine” therapy….I would say that society already puts enough stress on women to become thinner and thinner everyday.
We don’t need our boyfriends telling us that too when we get home.
Because afterall, it’s one thing for you to tell us to shape up due to health reasons, and another because we just “aint hot enough”.
Comment by Onionsteph — August 19, 2008 @ 2:15 am
[...] Breakup Girl Skinny 2 The Thickening Posted by root 3 hours ago (http://www.breakupgirl.net) The ignorance about fat people lifestyles and abilities on this thread is actually do it the people who have strict rules about only dating thin comment by onionsteph august 19 2008 2 15 am powered by wordpress Discuss | Bury | News | Breakup Girl Skinny 2 The Thickening [...]
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