e-mail to a friend in needAll out of love
So lost without you, on January 26, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I have been in love with my girlfriend for the past four years and am still very much in love with her. Unfortunately, she has decided she is no longer in love with me. We have lived together for the entire time; now we are apart for the first time. She is my whole life. How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with her?
– Rich, Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love,
Oh, Rich. If Breakup Girl had to answer only one letter this week — this month, this year — it might well be yours. Your question speaks for all dumpees, ever.
On the other hand, Breakup Girl secretly wishes she could yell at her intern for losing your letter. That’s because (a) she wishes she had an intern, and (b) now that you’ve raised the eternal question, she hesitates to say that she has no easy answers.
You can’t cause yourself to fall out of love as easily as you can cause yourself to fall out of, say, a hot-air balloon. What you can do, however, is allow yourself to fall out of love. If she’s really gone, don’t fight it. If you hear yourself saying things like, “But Breakup Girl, no one will ever be like her!” stop. I know that’s how you feel, but it’s not, like, True with a capital T.
You can also create the circumstances that will, over time, help you allow yourself to fall out of love. If you’re in the apartment you shared, get rid of her stuff. If you’re in a new apartment … get rid of her stuff. At least for the time being, don’t hang out with her friends. If her name was Monica, Rachel, or Phoebe, don’t watch “Friends.” You see what I’m getting at?
And if she is/was your whole life, then you’ve got to fill that gap. If you guys never, I don’t know, cooked together, then take a cooking class. Rent all the movies she always vetoed. Get a dog. Learn Italian. Go Rollerblading. And when you’re ready to move on — which, granted, may take a while — go Rollerblading with the dog.
Love,
Breakup Girl
It is also helpful to stay busy - get involved in activities that you enjoy. When you stay busy the day goes by fast and you forget your problems. It’s also good to surround yourself with friends and family.
Comment by Patty Evans — February 27, 2009 @ 9:34 am
Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.
Comment by Jay Cataldo Life Coaching — February 27, 2009 @ 4:08 pm
this is the first time i get your page,your nickname,your articles
but even by only one chance to get all of them ,i’ve been loved in them.
my love story was broken 2years ago and I was lost that as well as Rich
but time is good cleaner to skipping those bad memories,just like BG’s viewpoint
ok then,I will keep on supporting BG~
Comment by panda shen — February 28, 2009 @ 7:48 am
Get out of your house, take walks solo, go grocery shopping, get out and away even if it’s not talking to a soul, idle minds lead to depression, essentially
Comment by techguymike — March 2, 2009 @ 5:58 pm
My fiance just broke up with me after 6 years, I moved away from family anf friends to support her career while trying to make my own. Then bam we are best friends yadda yadda yadda, now I am stuck living with her away from everyone who gives a crap about me. I am almost 36 to boot, hopefully I will get hit by a car on the way to the house and not have to deal with it anymore!!!
Comment by Sala — September 24, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Oh and we have two dogs which will be split up because there is no way I am leaving with nothing, I wish yall knew the trials we went through together….. to have this come about, all I can say is, ya thanks I am glad you did what you said you would you self absorbed twit. That is to her not anyone here just FYI, and yes I should have realized when she said she always had to take care of herself first she really meant it.
Comment by Sala — September 24, 2009 @ 10:50 am
Sala, I’m so sorry. Hope you feel from reading this letter — and noodling around this site, especially the advice archives — that you’re not alone! Also, definitely take the dog.
Comment by BG — September 24, 2009 @ 2:22 pm
It is so tough to know that the person you are with isn’t the person they want to be with. To the point that they need to have others fill their voids. Then hid it from you and tell you that no matter what they never cheated on you. So why does it feel so hurtful and make you so angry and feel embarrassed everytime you are around him and your so called mutual friends? Why does he always need girls to be friends with? Get out when it comes up. IT CAN always get worse. It CAN adn will HURT MORE LATER. Try not to make it messy. Be at peace.
Comment by nuttyloveless — March 12, 2010 @ 3:33 pm
hi nuttyloveless! thanks for the wise comment. please come back and visit soon!
Comment by BG — March 16, 2010 @ 10:05 am