Studying vibeology on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 19-year-old guy who has never had a girlfriend. I admit, I’m a bit dorky. I’m a computer engineer at NJIT, plus I’m short (5′ 5″) and skinny (115 lbs.) and not good-looking. However, I’m a gentleman, caring, kind, decent amount of money, non-drinker, non-smoker, hard worker, and intelligent. Okay. I’m sure I sound like an even bigger loser now, but is there anything I can do to get girls to notice or maybe even like me? What exactly do girls look for in guys? Thanks.

— Leery

 
Dear Leery,

I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE UNATTRACTIVE. But I’m not gonna lie to you: you are going to have a harder time with Step One (Being Noticed). Societal standards of beauty, yada yada yada. And women — just like men — do tend to notice looks first (except in cyber-encounters, in which case they notice…fonts). AND women — just like men — have been known to do dumb things just because of how they feel about how someone looks.

But that’s what happens first, and what happens on the surface. “Societal” tastes don’t hold true for every man/woman. Woody Allen, yada yada yada. What we sense more deeply is the aura people emit, the thing we’re talking about when we say, “there’s something about him/her…”. I know you’re computer boy, but don’t underestimate the organic. As in chemistry.

So what you need to do is figure out a way to send that vibe — just like you did in your letter, which is one of the most charming that Breakup Girl has ever received (and I get up to 100 a day — have I mentioned that lately? — so that’s saying a lot). If there’s someone who intrigues you, ask her out, because dammit, you’re a caring, kind, gentleman, and you know it. Or, if you need to work up to that, get yourself into situations where you — and your intended(s)– can get past the surface. Not bars, but classes and clubs, where you interact with folks on a regular basis. Where you give women — most of whom, by the way, are fully convinced they’re “dorky,” “not good-looking,” etc. — the chance to see the self you like, not your self-conscious self. That’s the one they’ll like, too.

Love, 
Breakup Girl