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April 22, 2008

Now on MSN.com: Ex-piration date

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:31 am

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week — continuing on the theme of hope — we meet A Hopeful Dreamer, who has been waiting, like, forever, to ask this girl out. The problem? She’s always been with someone else. Now — yeehaw! — she’s just broken up with her boyfriend of two-plus years. So AHD wants to know: when is it cool to ask her out? Now? Now? Okay, how about now?

But really, you see the problem: ask her too soon, and he’s doing the old HEARD YOU GUYS BROKE UP SO SORRY opportunistic swoop (or is he?) — or just setting himself up as Mr. Rebound. But ask her too late and he’s … too late. Read the letter and response to find out when Lynn gives the green light — and then come back here to comment!


  1. This guy needs to grow up and grow a pair, and I’ll explain what I mean. First of all, all the best girls are taken. Your duty as a man is to make them yours despite this. Second, the girls wants you to take here away from current BF if you are “the one”. A girl could be at the alter about to kiss her groom, but if you show up and are “the one”, she’ll drop him like in front of everyone and be with you.

    So to the point: Why doesn’t she know you like her already, and why hasn’t she given you any signs of interest or disinterest? Because you have not bee doing your job stealing her heart! Don’t wait another nanosecond! If she’s into you, she’ll go out with you immediately. She might have even broken up with her BF to be with YOU. If you get a bunch of BS about needing time, and not being ready MOVE ON…RUN DO NOT WALK to the next girl, get something going and mentally break up with the old girl.

    Comment by Todd — April 22, 2008 @ 11:25 am

  2. P.S. Do NOT, under any circumstances become “friendship” guy during this breakup time. The odds of “Friendship guy” becoming the new Boyfriend are horrible in Vegas. In fact the odds are the “friendship guy” will soon become “the dweeb that gets to hear how great the dates and sex are with NEW Boyfriend”. If this happens, you might as well start wearing a dress.

    Comment by Todd — April 22, 2008 @ 11:31 am

  3. I’m going to have to disagree with Todd’s strategy of going for girls that are already taken. Sure, it can be done. It’s frequently easy. But I disagree that you end up with the “best girls” that way.

    You end up with a girlfriend who is ready to ditch her current boyfriend (who is now YOU) as soon as the relationship becomes difficult. You end up with a girlfriend who will back out of a relationship when she gets cold feet … and the next time you’ll be the schmuck standing alone at the altar.

    I agree with Lynn’s recommendation to stay open to dating other women … especially if the answer is “I’d like to date you, but I’m not ready.” For some reason, you’ll look more like a potential Boyfriend and less like a Friendship Guy if you’re dating other women. (At least that’s been my personal experience.)

    Comment by Karl R — April 22, 2008 @ 11:58 am

  4. As a girl who recently broke up with the BF of 5 years, I agree with Lynn. There is no “right” amount of time to pass for her to be ready to date again. Even she wont know if you ask her. But telling her you’d like to date when she is ready, and telling her soon rather than waiting for the right moment to speak up is the only way to go. The “right moment” will never come if you wait, you have to make this moment the “right” one. Just tell her you’d like to take her out. Let her decide when. And yes there is a slippery slope of “friendship guy” right after a break up. But it is possible to go from Friendship Guy to Potential Boyfriend, just don’t make yourself “like a brother” cuz that’s not where you want to be. Be around, really listen to her and be supportive. But do stay open to dating other women. You don’t want to wait around for this one and miss out if you get the wrong answer.

    Also, as a girl… don’t listen to Todd.

    Comment by Me — April 22, 2008 @ 12:53 pm

  5. I will second “Me” on (a) don’t listen to Todd, and (b) saying you’d like to date when she’s ready may be the best move for you. Timingwise is a total damn crapshoot, especially since we don’t know her dating history. If she’s the type who goes years between boyfriends, this is less of a problem than the girl who immediately picks up a new boyfriend the next day every time.

    (Though I say this knowing that when a guy started hitting on me the day after I got dumped, I hated him for it.)

    Comment by Jennifer — April 22, 2008 @ 1:30 pm

  6. Well it seems everyone agrees that 1) This guy should date other people and 2) He should not become friendship guy. And there is dissagreement on dating people in a relationsship. I can agree to disagree on this point, but I would like to clarify a few things. 1) Karl is correct in his assertion, and you want to avoid this. 2) However, you have no idea the nature of the relationship between two people – she could be looking for any excuse to break it off, she could be afraid to break up without a new guy, or he could have propossed yesterday. 3) You must be a go getter to get what you want in life, so don’t sit around waiting, GO GET HER!

    Comment by Todd — April 22, 2008 @ 2:33 pm

  7. Hi Me,

    Thank you for making my point that the best girls are already spoken for. You see, girls without boyfriends often have problems that have nothing to do with the gentleman trying to date them, “(Though I say this knowing that when a guy started hitting on me the day after I got dumped, I hated him for it.)” Emotional turmoil, bad timing, rebounding, man hating, overeating, lack of good hygiene, etc, etc… just a few of the reasons why women in a relationship are better to go after.

    Comment by Todd — April 22, 2008 @ 2:42 pm

  8. When I was single (as a woman) I was always told to go after taken men for these reasons. I don’t know how I could trust someone who left someone else for me not to leave me for someone else.

    Comment by x — April 22, 2008 @ 5:49 pm

  9. If I were the girl in the scenario, I’d want something like what Lynn suggested. However, I would respond even better to “When you’re ready to consider another relationship, I would really like it if you would give me a chance.” Then, sweep me off my feet once I’m ready. This respects the fact that I’m a self-reflective person who knows my own emotional limits and informs me that you’re not interested in being the rebound.

    Comment by Rebecca — April 22, 2008 @ 8:02 pm

  10. Todd, I did not make your point that the best girls are spoken for, that comment was not made my Me, it was made by Jennifer. Take another look.
    But just so I’m clear, you think that all single women are man hating, overeating, and lack good hygiene? I think you’re overgeneralizing and not looking in the right places for your women. I think any person who is currently in a relationship and would bail for someone else is not the “best” person to be searching for. Women in relationships can also be man hating, overeaters who lack good hygiene. A relationship does not make you a good person. That’s just something you are or are not. Perhaps the single woman got invovled with a dirtbag who beat her, so she left him and is now single. Does that automatically make her unworthy of your attention? It doesn’t mean she’s a man hater. What about the girl who realized that she and her man just grew apart. She’s single now because a mutual agreement that they weren’t right for each other. Is she suddenly overeating?
    There are many reasons why people are single. And being single isn’t a curse.

    Comment by Me — April 23, 2008 @ 12:30 pm

  11. I’m a girl, too, and I think I like the “drink” approach rather than the “ready for a relationship” approach. She might not think she’s ready for a relationship when she actually could be, for the right person.

    From personal experience, I broke up with a boyfriend of 2 years (me breaking up with him), and the LAST thing on my mind was getting into another relationship. I fully intended to stay single for a while and just date. I started dating somebody casually I’d been friends with for a while (no intention of anything serious) almost immediately after the break up. We’re married now.

    Comment by Leila — April 26, 2008 @ 12:00 am

  12. ME – Thou dost protest too much…

    Comment by Joe — May 15, 2008 @ 5:57 pm

  13. I am asked out constantly; but, I am newly-divorced, and I am interested in dating a guy or two; but, feel the caliber of individual asking me out is not up to par, and so, I continue to work on myself and do things single, and decline the offers.

    I think I became less individualistic while married, less interesting,…

    – I am pretty attractive, and so I am attracting guys based upon appearance, some high-level stuff; but I am attracting guys that are of the wrong calibre in my rebounding state.

    I am attracted to guys that are complex, attractive, interesting, cool, etc., and that is not the type of guy I am attracting – the guys I’m getting asked out by are all not “the full deal”…and so I turn the advances down, and they become my “friends”.

    So, I don’t agree that girlfriends that have boyfriends already are the way to go;

    rather, those girls (and guys) are often …fun, but you hit the bottom of the interest level fairly quickly on both sides for the people that bounce from relationship to relationship indiscriminately.

    If you are not getting into high-quality relationships, you might be shooting out of your range, up or down; you may want to make yourself more interesting and attractive as a complex guy, to be able to shop in the aisle you prefer, and as a result, you might not be so quick to look for the exit aisle.

    If you find yourself to be “cool” – then you know your getting there. You should like yourself so much, YOU would want to date you.

    Alot of people that hop from relationship to relationship know all the cool places to go, accessorize well, but dig underneath, and their interests can be contrived “oh, I “hike and bike” ”
    …and so: just like with jobs, easy in, easy out.

    If you find you hop from one relationship to the next, with little discrimination, you may not have the true expectation the relationship would be of value or last.

    And, there are no wrong answers, so, nothing wrong with bouncing from relationship to relationship, or dating someone on the rebound – but, it can be helpful to take a step back, be by yourself, stay away from people doing things out of need, vs. choice – and build yourself.

    And wait for the main course, instead of filling up on bread.

    Just my thoughts. Peace.

    Comment by jane — April 19, 2009 @ 9:42 pm

  14. 1. Never expect a woman that tells you about her boyfriends to have any interest in you – ever. They won’t ever discuss it unless you are considered anything but a man (datable).

    2. Don’t listen to a womans problems if you want to date them. You should be something she does to avoid thinking about her issues!

    3. If the woman ever mentions another man she likes while in your presence consider your relations over, she’ll never date you.

    4. In real life women chase men not the other way around.

    5. If a woman has cheated it’s who she is so don’t expect her to be able to turn off that sexual desire anytime soon. It’s more or less that she’s curious and too sexual for a single man to please, nothing wrong with that but if you can’t handle it move on.

    6. If someone thinks having a serious relationship is SETTLING DOWN then do not get involved, they have skewed views on life and don’t realize there is so much more two people can do together than they ever could do apart. Namely sexual exploration beyond just random partners, spending time together in differetn ways, etc.

    7. I’ve been given ultimatums by women and guess what I always do? I do exactly what they say! One girl said “don’t go eat lunch with me if you weren’t going there by yourself anyway.” So I said fine and didn’t ever go out with her again, lol This got her mad later and missing me but you know what it’s not my fault she felt the need to push me away.

    Comment by Sam — October 20, 2009 @ 10:31 am

  15. hi im 22 and ive been threw alot of relationships,and ive always been the guy to break up with the girl. ive been in long term relationships (3 years) and i ended up moving and well i was glad it was over. anyways i met a sweet girl who took my breath away and she fell for me. this all seemed great, thing is we broke up cuz of stupid complications, i didnt know this but before we dated she just got out of a 6 year relationshp and started to see me a month later.soo she pretty much broke up with me for him but she didnt get back with him. she did however sleep with the guy but apperently the love was gone. like i needed to know that part but she felt she had to tell me because she wanted to clear the air with all of what happened. i on the other hand have been meeting girls but kept my composure, i havent slept with any of the girls ive met but im pretty sure they want to givin the chance.anyways where im getting at is my x wants me back but dosent expect me back. i feel i do care for her alot but i dont know if i could trust her again( yet id like to think i could). i dunno what i should do should i go for round 2 because we where great together thats forsure jus a stupid set back happened or should i move on to a new girl if anywone cares to tell me what you think id appreciate it

    Comment by R??? — October 29, 2009 @ 3:59 am

  16. @R???
    I’m sorry to hear you’re in a pickle! The advice here http://www.breakupgirl.net/advice/cheating.html and here http://www.breakupgirl.net/advice/981012/981012.html might help. Best of luck!

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