“Saving Love Lives The World Over!”
e-mail to a friend in need
August 3, 2012
Making a move on November 2, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I guess this question isn’t too hard to answer. I’ve liked this girl, let’s call her Joan, and for four years now I’ve been crazy about her, but I never had the guts to really go for her. I’ve since supressed all my feelings for her because I don’t feel I’m good enough for her. So, NO ONE knew that I had these feelings for her. Joan’s the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most perfect girl in the world, but she’s just a regular friend to me and that fact is killing me.
I’m not the ideal guy for girls. I’m the quiet guy who no one really bothers to talk to (hardly popular), except to ask for help on a homework assignment. I guess you can call me a nerd, but I’m not that dorky. Her friends can stand me, but they don’t really enjoy my company if you know what I mean.
Well, I know for a fact that Joan doesn’t like me in that special kind of way, and I need to find someway to let her know how I feel without completely scaring her away. I don’t want to lose her friendship. I talk to her whenever possible about little things and I spend as much time as possible around her without seeming conspicuous. I call her from time to time just to talk. I make up some excuse and ask about what assignment we got from which class and then go onto other, more casual things.
July 30, 2012
Last week, Breakup Girl happened to talk to an adorable 15-year-old named Emily in Charleston who wanted to go as Rose from Titanic for Halloween. Partly because she would get to wear a most excellent dress (and also spit); partly because, in her words, “I am completely in love with Jack Dawson.”
Teens swooning over Titanic? Slow news day, Breakup Girl?
Stay with me. Actually, most teens have already weighed anchor and docked their obsession elsewhere. Anyway, Emily knows she’s behind the tide: “I still watch my video once or twice a week,” she said. “But I realize I’ve gotten to the point where I have to stop talking about it.”
Fortunately, she went on. What does she love about Jack? “He’s so free-spirited and self-confident,” she says, reciting entire movie scenes, line by line, to support her point. “He’d break the rules and do anything for Rose. And he looks really good in a tux.”
Is Emily going to date Jack Dawson? No. With him as her ideal, is she now locked in to holding out for someone who will run into a sinking ship/burning building/dinner with her parents to save her? Well, that would be nice. But is all of this teen obsession — which, you all, is different from grownup obsession ONLY in that adults are less likely to use scotch tape on their walls — silly, pointless, or worse, false-hope-building? Is this all foamy Calgon that will take you nowhere? Not necessarily.
Because: do Emily’s voyages of fancy help shape her sense of what she wants from love, life, and her neighbors’ candy, back on land? Yes. Welcome to this week’s theme:
We all have our “ideal” partners: David Duchovny, Lara Flynn Boyle, Lara Croft, The President of the United States of America, Breakup Girl, our first love, the one that got away. And we all have … our real lives. Clinging to a larger-than-life fantasy can loosen our grasp on — and appreciation of — what we do or could have, or keep us from having it in the first place. And, when the ideal meets real, the practically inevitable result: crushing letdown.
All true, yes. But Breakup Girl is not going to give you guys some boring finger-wagging Get Real speech. Because BG thinks that overly cautious hardcore get-realism throws out the babe with the bathwater. And she does want you to expect and deserve to be with someone freaking fantastic.
So instead, consider this Important Breakup Girl Maxim: FANTASIES ARE DATA.
So whether your idealized lover is someone you’ve glimpsed, met, dated, or downloaded, ask yourself these questions:
Who’s there? What is it about this person, really, that fascinates you? Think about it, really. Ask them to kindly step down from the pedestal so you can see what writ-large characteristics you’d actually ike to have on your level. We are talking actual human traits. Not, like, just “Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!!!” or “I just really admire the way nothing comes between her and her Calvins.” Emily, for example, was specific. So specific I didn’t even have room for it all. Words like “free spirited,” “confident,” “devoted.” (Yes, “tuxedo,” too, but that was last.) Look at what you’re drawn to, for better or for worse, and think about why. Disassemble your ideal; keep the pieces you can really use. This is real information, you guys — about what you truly love, about what you might feel you lack. Which brings us to:
What’s missing? Anyone see Cupid week before last? (Just for the record, lest you now think that she sits around watching TV instead of flying to your aid, BG has seen Dawson’s Creek and Titanic each only once.) (Okay, while i’m at it, if you’re not watching that genius show Sports Night, you’re missing something major.) ANYWAY,Cupid. In addition to a subplot about first loves, the show was about a woman — a transplant to Chicago from the ranches and canyons of the West — who had developed quite a “relationship” with the rugged Marlboro-type man on the billboard outside her office window. Cupid, doing his job, set her up with the actual model. Everything went swimmingly until she discovered that he wasn’t like her (or his larger-than-life image) campingly, ridingly, hikingly, mountainbikingly, etc. Crushing blow? Only slightly. Important information? Yes. This dalliance not only helped her realize just how truly important it was to her to pitch her tent with someone who … can pitch a tent; it also showed her that she was fundamentally unhappy in the city and really just needed to get the hell outta Dodge — with or without a cowboy to take her away. Aha. To switch abruptly over to hockey imagery: focus on the empty space around the goalie. What does this person’s commanding presence — or absence — distract you from? When the spotlight’s on them and their pedestal, what’s going on in the dark? Shine your flashlight into those corners and see what you see.
A version of this column was originally published November 2, 1998.
October 13, 2010
Rick Springfield, sigh, was my second love. And now he’s written his first memoir, with nary a mention of me. This, I venture gingerly to say, is perhaps not a bad thing. Perhaps, much like a General Hospital subplot, we — the female eighth-graders of the world — collectively faked blindness to be with him? Then again, we don’t read celebrity memoirs for the articles, as it were, and yes, this one includes some very handsome photographs. Plus, as BG blogger Amy notes, “I sorta love him for a VH1 thing I saw, like 10 years ago, where these girls had a little dance they did JUST IN CASE they ever met Rick Springfield and he had them doing on stage with them as adult ladies. Come on, how can a guy like that be all bad?” He can’t. Let’s just put it this way: I wanna tell him I could ghost-write, but the point is prob’ly moot.
Anyway! Giveaway! I’ve got a copy of Late, Late at Night right here, with your name on it, unless your name is Jesse, courtesy of Simon & Schuster. And we’re gonna make this wicked easy for you. It’ll go to the first person who e-mails me with:
1) the best-ever quote from, title of, or sheer existence of a celebrity memoir
2) the best-ever brief anecdote about the death-by-disillusionment of a celebrity crush
3) a photograph of her or himself, preferably from the actual 1980s, that constitutes a homage to Rick Springfield
4) wild card: any other Rick Springfield-related awesomeness.
Beat you to this one, though. Same room: Springfield and Duchovny. BG’s head: explodes.
UPDATE: Reader Deb M., though too late for the contest, responded with an entire series of killer pics of her and Rick. Honorable mention!
January 13, 2010
“…Rescued My Sex Life.” Here we have an example of a title that will get BG reading. Add the byline Diane Farr — she of superawesome tough-and-sweetness on Rescue Me (also, Numb3rs) — and I’m not looking away.
Farr wrote a nice essay in this month’s Marie Claire (put it onLINE, you guys!) about how utterly harmless, goal-less, going-nowhere-but-still-fizzy flirtation on the set of Californication — including but not limited to getting paid to make out with David Duchovny over and over and over and over … I’m sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so she makes out with DD and exchanges sweet-nothing-at-alls with ScruffyCute Craft Services Kid, and all of a sudden she remembers that there IS sex life after three kids under the age of two.
“The days pressed on, and between makeouts, David and I said the same cute, cuddly lines to one another over and over for various camera angles, further reawakening the girly laughter that had often escaped me pre-babies. I’d go a round with David, then go chat up Work Crush [still wearing Hot Dress from Wardrobe], and after two minutes, I’d feel guilty, call my husband, and flirt with him, too. He didn’t know why I was so full of laughter, nor did he care. ‘You’re funny and sexy, and I really missed that,’ he said. And like that, I was his girl again.”
Nicely played, Ms. Farr. It’s so important — whether you’re taken or single — to live life on the Flirtation Continuum. Not to lead people on; not to go where you shouldn’t. But to allow yourself to connect with (most of) the full spectrum of feelings and connections between people, to remind yourself you still got it, to feel like the world is still full of buzz and sparkle and possibility, for all your relationships.
She should know, though, that Duchovny was, very likely, thinking of me.
, Diane Farr
, making out
, Marie Claire
, Rescue Me
, the Flirtation Continuum
, the spark
, TV crushes
August 14, 2009
Tongue-tied on February 23, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I am seeing this guy and I like him so much that I have a hard time talking to him. I get my words mixed up and if I say anything I feel so stupid. I can talk to him on the phone but something happens to me when I try to talk to him in person and I feel like its making him lose interest. HELP ME!!!!
Ooooh, is it David Duchovny? Because when Breakup Girl talks to David Duchovny — well, that one time when she talked to him (BG is not making this up) — the same thing happened! I like him so much that I said something really stupid! Which I really think is why he lost interest!
But in your case, no matter who the guy is, here’s what I’m worried about: excited-love-jitters are great — they’re fun, and they should never wear off completely. But they really shouldn’t get in the way every time. And problem is, now, you’re nervous about being nervous. So Sally, consider this: anyone you’re “seeing” should be someone you’re comfortable with. Someone with whom you feel smart, not stupid. Someone whom you feel you’ve got something to say to, and who likes what you have to say. If this particular match doesn’t fit that description, speak up and find one that does.
July 24, 2009
Love at first sight on February 16, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
This might sound weird, but I think I fallen in love with someone I saw on T.V. It has been almost 6 months and I still can’t get her off of my mind. I went onto the internet to find some information on her and that was a huge mistake because I found out that we have A LOT in common and I think we could be great together. It isn’t the fact that she is beautiful becuase I could name ten more beautiful women. I must sound like a crazy fan here but I feel like I’m linked to a person I don’t even know. If I didn’t believe in love at first sight then I do now. I could go on to say soul mate and true love but at this point that would be foolish, who knows maybe that will be thinking in three more months of going through this. Could you please help me? I have no clue what to do and it’s driving me crazy.
– Going Crazy
Oooh, ooh, was it me? Wait, that wouldn’t make sense (”ten more beautiful women,” yada yada yada). But listen, Crazy, I’m not about about to call you crazy, ’cause you know what? Breakup Girl’s crush on David Duchovny goes far, far beyond the “ohmigodhe’ssuchaHUNK” thing. I mean, I really, honestly think we’d be great together. And to tell you the truth, our relationship really hasn’t changed all that much since he got married. Anyway, point is, I kind of understand how you feel. But I also — well, let’s just say it’s not like I’m waiting for David. I mean, I think he and I could have something real, but I’m not treating it as such. And that’s the distinction you’re going to have to make. Gaze at her picture; heck, send her fan mail if you want … but only between dates with women you’ve actually met.
November 25, 2008
Ever since the Duchovny news broke, we here at breakupgirl.net have been addicted to sex addiction stories! Now, Lynn has written a review of two memoirs dealing with the subject — Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction by Susan Cheever and Love Junkie: A Memoir by Rachel Resnick — posted this morning at Barnes & Noble.
Last August, in a remarkable example of art imitating sex life, it was revealed that David Duchovny — who stars as a randy writer on Showtime’s Californication — had checked into rehab for sex addiction. The former Fox Mulder’s disclosure opened up a psychological X-file: is “sex addiction” modern pop-psych folklore, complete with a handy excuse for caddishness? Or is it for real?
Continue reading at the bn.com review page!
October 16, 2008
I am totally calling AppleCare. HOW did the BG supercomputer miss this yesterday? No, not this, THIS! On the one hand, it’s no surprise, given this. On the other … aw, I’m just sad. They honestly seemed like a good match! (Not even gonna go into this.)
And, frankly, yes: I’m feeling a little bereft about the fact that neither has called BG for super-support. Guess maybe they’re aware of le petit conflict of interest?
So okay, I’m just going to pop some popcorn, make some Sleepytime, and work my way back through The Red Shoe Diaries to see if I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong.
September 2, 2008
August 29, 2008
Next Page »
David “Californication” Duchovny reportedly in rehab for sex addiction.
I do not want to believe.
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