Here are all the things you can do today instead of having sex:

1. Take this Relationship Reality quiz to think ahead about what you’d do in the heat of the moment.

2. Set your TiVos. According to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 8 in 10 teens and adults believe the decade-plus decline in teen pregnancy is due in part to increased media attention to the issue. And  75% of teens say that when a character in a TV show experiences a teen pregnancy, it makes them think more about the consequences of sex. The N, for one, is airing pregnancy-related past eps of shows including “Degrassi” and “South of Nowhere,” plus — don’t fast-forward! — lots of cool anti-preg PSAs. Other goodies appear throughout May on CWTV.com, with stats and info appearing online alongside relevant eps of “Gossip Girl” and “90210.”

3. Read Seventeen. The June issue features an honest look at the real lives of pregnant teens.

4. Abstain from saying mean things about Bristol Palin. Poor kid.

An impressively dopey article on CNN.com alerts us to the news that Washington-based publisher Bluewater Productions has released a series of comic books featuring Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

“We really want to show strong, independent, female role models in comics,” said Darren Davis, Bluewater’s president, who didn’t explain how Palin got on that ticket, either. The first two issues in “Female Force,” already out, feature Clinton and Palin. Up next: Caroline Kennedy — huh? - and Michelle Obama. (Well, we know she’s got guns.)

“Comic fans approve of the idea,” note the not-so-ace reporters. To wit: “‘I think it just says, like, that women are important,’ one comic book fan told CNN.’” (Quoth our tipster, “Who’s doing this sourcing, Judy Miller?”)

And: “Another [!] added, ‘It shows that comics aren’t just about guys in tights beating each other up — it’s about information, it’s about understanding people a little better.” (“It’s about information”? This is a job for…The Quote Puncher-Upper!)

Plus: “We’re in a very politically-minded time right now,” said Richard Laermer, CEO of a public relations firm and author of several books on banalities marketing.

We “fans” well know that comics are by no means only about “guys in tights beating each other up” in the first place. But, dopey piece notwithstanding, Female Force’s fare could totally be good, you know, if it’s good. But honestly, I’m already impressed enough with [most of] these women in real life.

Now it can be told (and Star is wasting no time, or compassion):

Brevi (Levstol?) was probably done long before the GOP was done with them.

Man, I still feel for those kids.

Looking for some smart writing about sex? Check out Best Sex Writing 2009, edited by Friend Of BG and cupcake aficionado Rachel Kramer Bussel. This is not a collection of erotica (drat!) but a smart — and, okay, sometimes steamy — series of essays on everyone’s favorite subject. From Rachel’s introduction:

Sex is everywhere–in our bedrooms, classrooms, courtrooms, and offices, as well as on our TV and movie screens, streets, and newspapers. This was a big year for sex, from prostitution (Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré, Deborah Jeane Palfrey) to teen pregnancy (Jamie Lynn Spears, Bristol Palin) and beyond.

If you’ve gotten past the cupcake thing (Mmmmm. Cupcakes.) you are asking yourself, exactly how smart is this collection? Well, it’s so smart that they’ve included a piece by LYNN HARRIS, “Searching for Normal: Do Dating Websites for People with STIs Liberate or Quarantine?” Not tittilating enough? Try FoBG James Hannaham’s “Why Bathroom Sex Is Hot.”

Read more about it at Rachel’s Amazon blog!

Palin haiku? Done.

BG haiku? Once a year.

Breakup haiku: Now!

It’s not necessarily one of those days, like, say, International Women’s Day, that prompts us to suggest, “Shouldn’t every day be… ?” But today, according to CBS and 1-800-FLOWERS, is Ex Day. (Unlike, say, International Women’s Day, Ex Day does have corporate sponsors.)

Inspired by the new CBS series The Ex List (BG, distracted by Prison Break, Chuck, and Sarah Palin, has been utterly remiss in her field research! Any reviews?), the initiative is designed to “let love bloom again” and “bring new life to past relationships through a special ‘Ex Day’ bouquet.”

From the press release: “According to a recent study by Wakefield Research, 39% of people feel they let ‘the One’ get away, and more than 2 in 5 Americans still have romantic feelings for an ex. Tapping into an American impulse to reconnect with a past love [the French don't do that?], the Ex Bouquet™ sends a heartfelt and understated message and can be delivered same day at the click of a mouse, thereby eliminating the stress of an awkward ‘ex encounter.’ [Except for the part where your ex's new squeeze is sitting at the next desk.] Crafted from fresh carnations, Gerbera daisies, Asiatic lilies, daisy poms and button poms, the aromatic arrangement says, ‘How have you been? Now you are in the awkward position of having to call me to say thanks even though you’ve moved on, leaving me to pick apart your ‘mixed messages’ and in no better a place than where I started‘ in muted green and white hues.”

Kind of puts certain things in perspective, actually.

“I don’t know if you know about ‘The Valley,’ but a teenager getting knocked up is certainly not news for us,” said [Wasilla resident Caleb, 29]. “So I am not at all surprised. As for Levi Johnston, what is the big debate? Last I heard he was going to marry Bristol. Why wouldn’t he?”

The comedian Bill Maher has called Levi “America’s number-one political prisoner.” He’s begged the youth to remember he still has options. “This is the 21st century, at least in the blue states,” Mr. Maher said on TV the other night. “You don’t have to do this. You have options,” he said. “Just grab your skull bong, climb out the window and get on the highway.”

“What I’ve heard from family members is that it was a high-school sweetheart kind of a deal,” said [Josh Sieler, 26, born and raised in Wasilla] of Levi and Bristol. “In Alaska people tend to get together with somebody—and let me think of a way to say this—it doesn’t seem as frivolous as it does down in the states. There’s not as much of a guy-girl ratio; there’s not a whole lot of fish in the sea in Alaska. You know, I married my high-school sweetheart and we’ve been together 10 years.

“If anything, I think it’s going to make things easier,” he continued. “You know, having snow for nine months a year, winter nine months a year, I absolutely would go insane if I didn’t have a wife next to me, or a significant other. It’s nice to have a companion in Alaska. I wouldn’t say that he has to all of a sudden give up any aspirations or goals that he has in his life. As far as ‘getting out,’ you know, it’s hard to get out of Alaska. You figure we pay $500 to go to Seattle round trip.”

From this week’s New York Observer.

Let’s say I, all 34 unwed years of me, was Bristol Palin’s older sister. I wonder how our mom (first name: Hockey) would introduce us to constituents and rallygoers. Would she moon over Bristol’s courage and convictions for surrendering to a for-show, shotgun wedding to a gutter-mouthed hunk of man-child, then mention me with a half-joking, “And here’s our choosy one.” Or worse: “And she’s single, guys!”

Signs point to yes, if (if!) the McCain-Palin ticket falls into lockstep with the Bush adminstration’s marriage propaganda programs. And if this analysis of the pro-family photo ops that ran throughout both conventions holds water. Not only would I be shunted to the kids’ table come Thanksgiving (the sort of holiday embarrassment I’ve fretted about before), but I bet Bristol — half my age! — would be promoted to the adult table by virtue of her less-than-virtuous insemination.

If marriage must be mandatory for an invite to A White House Family Christmas, at least let it defy the Republican party’s seeming “do as I say, not as I do” pedagogy and stiff-limbed public appearances. Whether you’re single, married or somewhere in between, there’s little denying that the Barack-Michelle union’s got zum zizzle, baby — evidently enough to carry them through awkward spouse-gaffes with humor and aplomb. And that many think their mere presence together on a world stage could do more in defense of marriage than any “fatherhood grant.”

Again I say: Those poor kids.

From the Times of London, via TPM:

In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one — the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playing fiancé before the November 4 election.

Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby.

“It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”

 I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be going through a breakup than sitting in these poor kids’ seats:

Second, sitting three-quarters of the way up the bleacher was Bristol Palin and her eighteen-year-old impregnator, Levi Johnston. Once I noticed them, I kept my eye on Bristol and Levi. What I learned provoked an odd empathy for the awful pickle Wasilla High School’s hockey stick wielding homeboy now finds himself in.

Bristol and Levi sat shoulder-to-shoulder. But not once did they look at each other, speak to each other, or in any way acknowledge each other’s physical presence. Not once. For an entire hour. Instead, Bristol stared straight ahead and Levi had the glazed look of a trapped feral animal.

Then when Sarah wound up her autograph signing and the people sitting in front of him on the bleacher began climbing down, Levi stood up and, without looking at or speaking to his betrothed, turned in the opposite direction and walked away.

What I took away from that is that the People Magazine spin about how excited the happy couple is about their upcoming nuptials and Levi’s “Bristol” finger tattoo is the Karl Rovian nonsense that anyone who thinks about it for a scintilla of a second intuitively knows that it is. If McCain-Palin lose, my easy bet is that there will be no nuptials. But if they win, the hand Levi dealt himself by having had the poor luck to knock up the daughter of the Vice President of the United States (at the time who could have known?) will have to be played out.