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March 7, 2011

Revenge Strikes Back

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:18 am

Our recent series on revenge elicited quite a few insightful and supportive reader comments (see, when you shelve your plans for elaborate retaliation conspiracies, you have so much more time to share). A couple of highlights:

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is not so much a question as a response to your “perfect” revenge. Whenever I get mad at any guy in my life, I get all dolled up, go out with a group of friends, and flirt like hell any chance I get. Just getting all dressed up makes me feel a lot better about myself. It’s sort of like when you have a horrible fever and can’t leave your bed for days. When you finally do get to brush your teeth, shower, and wash your hair, you feel like a new person. The attention I get because I am being open and flirtatious (and dolled up) helps me get over the If-he-doesn’t-want-me-I-must-be-a-toad blues. And then I go home and sleep soundly. Alone. Keep giving us sensible advice that makes us see how silly we can all act.

— Yank in Brussels


January 31, 2011

Revenge backfire

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:04 am

Predicament of the Week from May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.

I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.


P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.


January 17, 2011

Is it revenge, or just the truth?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:11 am

Speaking truth to loser on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me, I want to get revenge at my ex-boyfriend, because he broke up with me and then he told everybody some stuff about me that’s totally untrue. Now I’m SO angry at him and want to do something that makes him feel really bad. Do you think I should ignore him (be cold) or should I tell him that I don’t accept that he’s running around telling lies? One thing he doesn’t know is that some of his friends are on my side. That feels really good, but it would’ve been better if he knew that, too. I don’t know how to get revenge so please help me!

— Matilda


January 14, 2011

Summer Revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:10 am

Double dealing on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is kinda a horror story/survivor story. Last summer I was crushing on a guy friend so I sucked up my gut and told him. He e-mailed (how tacky) me back and took several pages to get across the meaning that he wasn’t interested. I then invoked the curse of e-mail breakups and sent it to all my friends with the subject heading “And I thought I liked this jerk!” Everyone (including him and I) swore to secrecy as no one wanted it all over our junior high. Then last fall I’m walking down the hall when some guy asks if I asked (we’ll call him Bob) Bob out over the summer. I later asked Bob if he told anyone, he swore up and down that he didn’t, and even suggested that my friends knew as well. So I asked the guy who’d asked me about it at school who had told him. His reply: “Bob, but don’t tell him because he’ll be really mad at me.” I told Bob that he lied to me. He e-mailed me back (again!) to say “Call it what you like.” So I dropped him like a bad habit and moved my attentions to someone more mature (and more likely to say things in person). He’s more cute, too. I’m having a blast flirting and not having to worry about having a boyfriend. Hence proving again that the good guys always (well, usually) win.

— Free From Lame E-Mailers

Dear Free,

Hmmm. I really do like the ending, but I must say that Bob’s email did not necessarily warrant the Curse. I mean, it may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it wasn’t a breakup. Also, I’m not sure how your e-forwarding move is consistent with your professed dedication to “secrecy” — like, how you can bust Bob for blabbing when you totally did yourself. Call it what you like, but I’d say it’s a big NO on number 1, above. Sorry.

Breakup Girl

January 7, 2011

Revenge Lite

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:53 am

Seeking closure on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Any good revenge suggestions? I have been in and out of a not-so-emotionally-fulfilling but really-good-sex relationship for a few (four!?!?) years, and although I always knew it wouldn’t develop into anything good, I went ahead and fell for the whole spiel of how much he loved me … blah blah blah . Well, I’m happy to say that I finally came to my senses after a long crying jag and have vowed to move on to better, healthier relationships, but it’s hard since this has been going on for so long, and I admittedly harbor some bitter feelings and would love to pull off some great final revenge to solidify my intentions of never having him in my life or on my doorstep again … so I was wondering if you had any good suggestions? Nothing too mean, just sneaky enough to be satisfying — maybe this should be a theme for one month, how to get revenge without being too vengeful. Thanx.

— Nicole


December 20, 2010

Revenge Anonymous

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:16 am

Doing unto others on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with this guy for a few days, then all of a sudden, he breaks up with me for this slut who just dumped her boyfriend. These two aren’t even going out and the worst part is that he told my best friend that I hated her and she didn’t talk to me for three days. I want to know, how I can get revenge while remaining anonymous?

— Miss Pissed

Dear Miss Pissed,

When Careers Day rolls around, don’t bother visiting the CIA booth. Given that it would come right on the heels of the incident(s) you describe, there is no covert operation you could run that wouldn’t have your fingers all over it. Plus, Breakup Girl is not at all convinced that these folks are worth it. That was a lame-ass, pointless move on his part — and frankly, it was even lamer for your so-called best friend to believe him without checking with you first. Revenge — especially given the elaborate effort it would take you to avoid suspicion — is so not worth it here. Your mission, and you should choose to accept it: quit calling other girls “sluts.” That doesn’t help.

Breakup Girl

December 17, 2010

Revisiting revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 6:57 am

Still stewing on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Even though I’m wildly happy in my nine-month (and counting) relationship, I’d like to take revenge on the rat who preceeded the Man of My Dreams. We met on a work trip, did the Deed a couple of times, and he asked me not to tell our mutual friends. This was all fine ’til I had to listen to another of our mutual friends (10 years younger than me, blond, long legs, 20 years younger than him) tell me that she and he had been together since a few months ago and he’d asked her to keep quiet. Needless to say, I spilled the beans and we had a good girl-power afternoon comparing notes. Then he denied to her that he and I had ever been more than friends and they both froze me out. I’m probably better off without them but that kind of behavior cries out for teaching a lesson, don’t you think?
— Baffled

Dear Baffled,

With all due respect, I am going to say the same thing to you that Breakup Mom says to Breakup Dog when she (Dog) tries to eat a rotting squirrel:

“No. Drop it.”

Breakup Girl

December 10, 2010

Back Atcha: The Question of Revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:01 am

From Mesopotamia to Melrose, from Judah Maccabee to Judge Judy, the drive for revenge has been a primary force in human/Nielsen history. It is safe to say — though Breakup Girl’s college professors might have demanded some elaboration — that since the dawn of civilization, all wars (with the possible exception of the Cola Wars) have been fought on the basis of “No one does that to me and gets away with it!” or, put another way, “Nyah nyah!”

So, when you write to Breakup Girl and ask, “Hammurabi dumped me via tablet! How can I get revenge?” you are indeed participating in the grand course of earth-moving, life-changing, history-making human events.

Then again, you’ll notice that said course has not always been so grand. War is, like, bad. (When Breakup Girl wears her favorite Corcoran paratrooper boots, she is beingironic. Also see Double Standards.) And revenge is often, like, tacky. So BG is not going to Pentagon Paper any instructions for Oreo-ing cars or endorse any urban legends of vengeance like that one with the photos of the bride and the best man. This is not the Malcolm Ex (“by any means necessary”) school of revenge. If you want to do something truly dirty, hire Norm MacDonald, who, evidently, is not bitter. ) And that is why, when you ask the how-to-get Revenge question, my likely response is,”Well, actually, you can’t. Nyah nyah.”

Wait, come back. I’m going to explain. And I promise that the reward — if not the revenge — will be sweet.


September 1, 2009

(500) days of revenge

Filed under: Uncategorized — posted by Breakup Girl @ 12:18 pm

From Broadsheet:

Where would writers be without the people who’ve done them wrong? Without dysfunctional lovers, bad bosses and explosive partings of the ways, we wouldn’t have “You’re So Vain,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “I Married a Communist,” Dr. Evil or “The Starter Wife,” to name but a few of a million examples. Nothing quite takes the sting out of heartache and humiliation like turning your tormentor into a thinly veiled antagonist. So it wasn’t surprising when Scott Neustadter, co-writer of the twee anti-romance hit “(500) Days of Summer,” fessed up this weekend in the U.K.’s Daily Mail that the movie’s titular heartbreaker was based on a real woman. The movie does, after all, start with the warning that “any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch.” Not exactly the sort of thing people say when there are no hard feelings.


But Neustadter admits that when the real Summer read his script, she told him she related to the Tom character, making her either acutely unself-aware or supremely adept at pushing his buttons. And if it’s the latter, Neustadter may wish to further consider this. Six years ago Lauren Weisberger turned her stint as an assistant at Vogue into a bestselling roman à clef that became a hit movie, an act of payback right up there with Nora Ephron’s scathing divorce saga “Heartburn.”

This weekend, however, Weisberger’s Devil herself, Anna Wintour, emerged as the sharp, tough-as-nails, and eminently fascinating hero of a critically acclaimed movie of her own, “The September Issue.” It might not be revenge, but it’s got to feel a little like vindication. So while Neustadter may be enjoying the box office fruit of his disastrous love affair, somewhere, Jenny Beckman may be quietly banging away on a screenplay called “Some Like It Scott.”

June 23, 2009

Revenge of the nerds!

Filed under: News,Psychology — posted by Rose @ 8:14 am

OK, so maybe it’s not exactly revenge to read that muscular men have more sexual partners and tend to lose their virginity at an earlier age than untoned dudes. But payback time’s a comin’: turns out skinny guys actually live longer. Ain’t no party like a retirement-home party!

According to a recent evolutionary psychology study from the University of Pittsburgh, “The beefier the man… the more sexual partners he had. [But] compared to skinnies…muscular men also tended to producer fewer infection-fighting white blood cells and less of an important immune molecule.”  Point, emo dudes.

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Breakup Girl
is the superhero whose domain is LOVE or the lack thereof! Her blog combines new comics, observations and dating news with classic advice letters--now blogified for reader feedback!
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