Looking for help on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I LOVE your column and read it all the time. Your advice is really sensible and that’s why I’m writing — I’m hoping you might be able to help me with this. You see, I see the problem, but the solution is far from sight.

I’m 22, a virgin, had a total of 2 boyfriends (one Internet one I never met) and have a real problem getting boyfriends. OK — or anyone (I believe myself to be Bi — but since I’ve never been with anyone — I’m not sure if you can count that). I finished college, have my BA in English, am not completely unattractive, have terrible self-esteem and about 20 years of mental and emotional abuse from my father, whose house I am still living in until I save enough to get my own place. No — I have not gotten therapy for this yet — I can’t afford it and I OBVIOUSLY can’t get my father to pay for it. My mom won’t pay for it either — and she’s perfectly aware of why I need it too. (I do have a job that pays well, but I still can’t afford an apartment, much less anything big like therapy.)

I know I need to get out of my house and meet friends and people off the net, but the opportunities never seem to come up. It’s only recently that my brother taught me to recognize when other men are really flirting at me, and only recently that I realized that I am possibly attractive to other people. I used to believe that I just needed a boyfriend so bad just to have some love in my life. I still kind of half believe it. My sense tells me that I have to give that kind of love to myself before I can expect anyone else to give it. It’s harder than it sounds and I am trying to work on it. It’s hard when I’ve spent so many years hating myself for being lazy, slow, fat, unmotivated and all the other things my father spent years telling me that I am.

(more…)

Another good bi from March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ohmigod! This guy, my kinda friend, just told me he wants to ask me out. He’s really strange. He’s a bisexual, which is totally cool with me if we’re friends, but not as a boyfriend. He paints his nails and dyes his hair and carries around hair cream. The whole thing just kinda creeps me out. I’m really spazzing now because it is so odd to be around him. To tell you the truth I don’t even like him that much! I feel really bad but! Ahh help me please!!!!!!!!!

— SOOOOOOO Stressed

Dear SOOOOOOO Stressed,

Ohmigod! Relationships are, like, complicated enough, even when they start out on the right foot. But believe you me — and I think you’re catching on to this — “I don’t even like him that much” is soooooo the wrong foot to start out on, even if the toes thereupon are sporting some phat shade of Hard Candy. So if you do want to hang with him, say, “Hey, thanks a million, I’m not sure dating would work, but hanging out would be great,” and then walk the talk. If you don’t want to hang out with him, say, “Hey, thanks a million, I’m not sure dating would work.” And let me leave you with one question: is it odd to be around him because you’re profoundly concerned for his feelings, or because — much the same way Cordelia used to find it “odd” to be around Buffy, Willow, and Xander — the only vote he’ll get for Popularity King is from the hair cream lobby? Think about it.

Love,
Breakup Girl