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August 7

Can I let go of my dream man?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:51 am

fantasyReality rocks on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in an unsteady relationship for 7 years (my friends & family did not like him… but I was stubborn & refused to see the bad qualities in him). We did break up for 1 year during my senior year of college but after graduation we got together & he found a job near me & decided to move in together (to save $ on rent).

A year later, we got engaged & the big wedding plans began, plus we purchased a house. All of these pressures, plans, $, commitment sent him for a loop & he ended up having an affair with a divorced 28 year old F with a 5yr. old. (This affair took place 3 months before our wedding and during this affair he continued to be a part of the wedding plans as if nothing else was going on in his personal life.) I found out about the affair by accident; we did the counseling thing…but he told me that he loved me…but wasn’t in love with me as he now loved her. Make a 4 month issue short & to the point — he moved in with her & I now have the house. I lost 30 pounds during that time & I’m very thin to begin with. I realize that this is the best thing that could happen to me; & I picked up the pieces by telling myself that this is only a difficult time in a very small portion of my life…what I mean is…I still have my career & many good & supportive friends & family.

I moved on & two months later I was feeling great & dating. I met this guy Gravy (who happens to be my best friend’s husband’s best friend) so…the guard was down as he was highly recommended to date & we began talking on the phone…he called me first. We really hit if off & talked for 5 hours every night about everything! Keep in mind we live an hour & and 1/2 away. By the time we had our first date…you would have thought we knew each other for a lifetime. For the past 2 months we have talked on the phone during the week & emailed at night & we have seen each other every weekend.

I always told my ex-fiance what I was looking for in a man (ya know…romance, humor, likes to talk, likes to make me feel good besides just himself). My ex always said I was living in a dream world…but then I met Gravy & so I must be dreaming because he is wonderful & a POSITIVE in my life.

(more…)

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August 3

Not-ideal guy seeks idealized girl

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:59 am

fantasyMaking a move on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess this question isn’t too hard to answer. I’ve liked this girl, let’s call her Joan, and for four years now I’ve been crazy about her, but I never had the guts to really go for her. I’ve since supressed all my feelings for her because I don’t feel I’m good enough for her. So, NO ONE knew that I had these feelings for her. Joan’s the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most perfect girl in the world, but she’s just a regular friend to me and that fact is killing me.

I’m not the ideal guy for girls. I’m the quiet guy who no one really bothers to talk to (hardly popular), except to ask for help on a homework assignment. I guess you can call me a nerd, but I’m not that dorky. Her friends can stand me, but they don’t really enjoy my company if you know what I mean.

Well, I know for a fact that Joan doesn’t like me in that special kind of way, and I need to find someway to let her know how I feel without completely scaring her away. I don’t want to lose her friendship. I talk to her whenever possible about little things and I spend as much time as possible around her without seeming conspicuous. I call her from time to time just to talk. I make up some excuse and ask about what assignment we got from which class and then go onto other, more casual things.

(more…)

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August 2

Hopelessly devoted to Jeff

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:51 am

fantasyChasing perfection on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

HELP ME! I have been in love with…let’s call him “Jeff”…for ALL OF MY LIFE! Okay…just six years of my life. We attend the same church, but just this fall he moved to Indiana to go to college. He’s soooo fine…and sooo smart….and sooo dedicated to God (can’t find a guy like that just anywhere, can you?). Anyway, I’ve tried to keep my obsession secret, but the ENTIRE church KNOWS! Even his family! His mom and sister and grandmother all love me to death and even invite me to family functions…and to pick him up at the airport this weekend. *happy sigh* I didn’t go, though. *sad sigh* In the entire six years I’ve loved him, he has spoken to me…maybe 10 times. I know it sounds crazy…but I feel such a connection with him. Like we’re meant to be. Only he doesn’t know it…yet.

What should I do, Breakup Girl? No guy I know or could EVER know could be as wonderful, or kind, or compassionate, or PERFECT as Jeff. I compare everyone to him…and no one could ever take his place in my life. He is the MAIN object of my affection.

I know, I know…there is no hope whatsoever. The longest conversation I’ve ever had with him is when I asked him what he was bringing to a party. I also know he knows about my crush on him. It’s SO obvious. But today!!! GET THIS! HE WAVED AT ME! (Go me, go me…go Jeffy!)

Is this all so immature? I’m not some silly junior high girl. I’m a junior in high school for crying out loud! Do I just have some strange mental complex that makes my knees go weak just at the sight of Jeff?

(more…)

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August 1

Obsessed with a girl I hardly know

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:37 am

fantasyFeeling shy on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, I like this girl my friends introduced to me, and I am so obsessed with her, I almost ran away from home just to see her outside with my friends. I doubt she feels the same way too, and I’m always depressed when I can’t see her, and I don’t want to call her cause I think she might say I’m annoying, and I want to get over her, but I don’t think I ever can. I really want help. My school marks are falling and I can never concentrate because I really like her, the only way she said she would go out with me is to get to know me better, but I’m way too shy. If I can’t win her, I’ll need all the help in the world to get over her… I don’t think anything or anyone can get my mind off of thinking of her for at least 1 second — I really love her!!!!!!

— A Depressed Soul


Dear Soul,

Uh-oh, kiddo. Do you see the itty bitty problem you’ve set up for yourself here? This girl gave you your mission — to let her get to know you better — but if you say you’re too shy to try, then you’ve already chosen not to accept it. That’s the immediate problem. The other stuff to think about, according to Belleruth, is this (it’s heavy stuff, take it slow):

(more…)

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July 31

Filling time with fantasy men

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:56 am

fantasyTaking a break onĀ November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 31 year old woman/girl who has been happy to be single for about 1.2 years. For the first 1.0 years I was very happy to not be attached to someone. I have had some very unhealthy relationships in the past, (starting at age 17) and this present break from the pain and the passion and the excitement and the horror and the sex and the waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring syndrome has been the most productive and stress-free period in my life so far (not including before doing the rude thing with boys period)

I have sorted a lot of things out and feel very strong but I have found that during this period of single-hood, there has always been someone on my mind that I have fixated on, making me feel as though I do have a love life when actually I don’t, and…the thing is, now I wonder if I’ll ever be able to behave maturely in a relationship with anybody that I actually know, and indeed, if I’ll ever find anyone with whom to behave maturely with in a relationship. As you are not psychic, I suppose I need to ask a more specific question regarding my predicament/Lerve Question:

How can I stop myself from clinging to ridiculous fantasies about guys I hardly know and then feeling really stupid when I find out (after months of building up the fantasy) that they are Married, Gay or just in need of a babysitter. I seem to thrive (until they dissolve) on these psuedo-relationships in which I don’t actually know the guy but feel content and fulfilled just thinking about how gorgeous they are and how excited I am about seeing them next. Could it be that I have these fantasy relationships to protect myself from the cruel world of relationships that I have experienced in the past? Probably yes. And is it the case that I have a problem with getting to know and like men at the same time. It seems that the more I know a guy, the more I see their imperfections — things like the way they chew their food or hold their pen. Why am I so picky about minor details but have, in past relationships managed to forgive massive personality flaws? As you would say, Breakup Girl, one big fat Hmmm…

(more…)

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