Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:33 am
So you’ve got this great friend. You do everything together: shop, hang, talk, work out, talk about your lame love lives and NATO expansion. You know each other’s families; you take care of each other’s plants. You fend off friends’ suggestions that you should be a couple, saying, “No way, that would be too weird!”
But then, somehow, you realize, that what you really want to do … is the one thing you haven’t done together.
So you (a) freak out, and (b) make a list.
- friendship as sturdy foundation for Relationship
- friendship crumbles under weight of Relationship
- undeniable attraction, intense bond
- can’t kiss friend, cooties!
- close-knit group of friends think we should be together
- if something goes wrong, who gets the friends?
- It’s fate.
- I’m horny.
Valid points, all. And here are a few more, from Denver psychotherapist Carolyn Bushong: “Romances built on friendships can be deeper, stronger, and in some cases more ‘equal’ than others, especially when they start off mutually, with no one taking the role of pursuer or pursued. But, she says, love that didn’t start as lust also comes with a unique set of pitfalls and second thoughts. Couples may be troubled not only by the high stakes of gambling on a valuable friendship, but also by the feeling of having “settled,” she points out. “Especially when things aren’t going well, one person might wonder ‘What if I never was all that attracted to him? What if I was just comfortable…?’”
Ugh. So what are you going to do? Especially ’cause you can’t ask your, uh, friend for advice. That, of course, is where BG comes in:
What to ask yourself.
“What flavor of friends are we?”
Are you longtime pals from, like, before you were old enough to date? (Pro: The “Mr./Ms. Right There All Along” thing. Con: You’ve already bathed together.) Or are you more recent friends who, for whatever reason (say, other boy./ girlfriends) have never had the opportunity to upgrade? There’s no one right way to proceed in either case; I’m just trying to give you ways to calibrate your feelings. In the latter scenario, for example, it’s possible that you’ve become friends because you’re attracted to one another — but you’ve been treading water for so long that no one dares take the plunge.
“Is the crush enhancing the friendship — or interfering with it?”
Here’s the scenario. “Harry” and “Sally” are longtime friends in uncannily similar lines of work. Harry, who’s oozing unrequited smooches for Sally from every pore, finally busts a move just as Sally leaves for a job abroad for several months. She decides this is plausible, goes along, and they long distance it quite happily for awhile. Then they spend the summer working together, are actually in the same place, and Sally gets the wiggins. They travel through Europe together, on a Eurailpass to emotional hell, and eventually Sally pulls the plug. This being the real world, Harry’s seriously bruised–not the Billy Crystal kind of cutesy angst that ends in a charming speech that woos her back. Rather, they avoid each other for the better part of the year, then slowly start becoming friends again. But Harry, underneath the bruises, still oozes. (Vile, I know, but you know what I mean.) He’s a man of infinite braveness, so he starts blurring the ol’ friendship lines. Sally’s not sure what to do: she’s spooked about ending up alone, Harry is indisputably a great guy, and on paper it should be perfect. Yet: wiggins, which sometimes lift when she just enjoys hanging out with Harry, or sometimes return when she gets critical for him or starry-eyed for some perfect Mr. Right who’ll make her melt. Sally’s now out of town for the summer, there’s still no resolution, and Harry’s still twisting in the wind. AND…I’m the one whom Sally calls for a shoulder to be confused on. What do you think she should do, and how, as a friend, might I effectively help guide her in that direction?
About a year ago, an old male friend moved back to town. We quickly became best friends. Our feelings toward each other changed and we began dating, then he lost his job. The dating stopped. We remained close friends until we got in a fight about us dating, and haven’t spoken in four months. Now, his brother is calling me, wanting to know details about my personal life. I think my friend is up to it, but feel that he should be the one calling me. My best friend disagrees and says that I should tell his brother how I feel. What do you think?
Tell the brother nothing. Except maybe if you want to just happen to let it slip that you are currently succesful and satisfied in all areas of your life. And also that you got that way as a result of having unlocked the secret to the universe, which is: mind and conduct your own business.
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:42 am
MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.
This week Lynn advises a gal who has become close with the boyfriend of her friend who died of cancer. Now that its turning romantic, she worries what others will think:
we also have another friend who was best friends with the deceased and she seems upset by the fact that we like each other and are becoming romantic.
Obviously she should be sensitive to the friend’s feelings, but, as her signature puts it, “Do I Have To Lose Him, Too?” Read Lynn’s advice at Happen, then tell us in the comments how you would handle this less than ideal situation.
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 5:53 am
The first BG Maxim appeared on December 5, 1997…
Dear Breakup Girl,
What does it mean when a guy says “We’ve been friends for so long and I don’t want to not be your friend if we break up after we’ve been going out”? Is that just a decoy, or could it be the truth?
Sorry, pumpkin, it’s the truth. Sounds to me like he likes you, but he doesn’t LIIIIKE you.
AN IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: When someone says they don’t want to go out with you — for whatever “reason” — take their word for it.